This is day #1 of me being free and I'll never play a slot machine again, nor watch someone play them again...
Hello there,
My name is Paul and I've realised that I've a bit of a problem. Ive been a user of online casinos for a while, I was going to say I was a fan of them but that just disgusts me considering what I did today. I was involved with streaming myself playing casino games or just posting videos on youtube, of me playing slots. Today I had a big hit on a casino slot (fruit warp) and won £800 quid but I then proceeded to lose that £800, plus another £900 trying to chase the winnings back again. I've been so stupid, I only got paid today.
Today I have to go home to my wife and tell her I've no money for the rent even though I just got paid today. I don't know how she will react as I had a dapple in poker years ago, got into debt and she got an extension to our loan to pay that debt off back then. I'm just hoping she doesn't throw me out of the house now.
I need to realise that I can't win at slots and the online streaming community that I was in, is not a place I really should be engaging with. These people are making a lot of money but it's from affiliate links to casinos and I thought I could do the same as I'm fairly tech savvy and I knew the ins and outs of it all. How to set up stream and websites etc. How wrong I was.
I'm sitting in work now with 1 hour to go until hometime and I feel sick as I have to then tell her when she returns home. I can't believe I've been so stupid but perhaps it has taken this situation to give me the kick up the a**e I needed to sort myself out.
I've deleted my youtube channel with the videos I had, I've unsubscribed from the different accounts on youtube that were involved with the casino streaming. I need to go put anti gambling software on my home PC now and I hope to just take it 1 day at a time. I also hope that my wife doesn't leave me or throws me out. I'm married, we have twin baby boys who I adore (as well as a 14 year old daughter from a previous marriage) and it's the shame of letting the 3 kids and my amazing wife down, that is going to help me kick this ridiculous habit.
There are no easy ways to making money, it's a mugs game. I need to type that up and to re-read it to myself each day. I'm going to use this thread to explore my thoughts on why I did what I did. I still can't fathom what I did as I seemed to be in a daze and it didn't really register what I was doing until it was too late.
Hi Paul and welcome!
Its not very nice the telling of partners, i was very nearly sick when i knew it was over and i had to tell her i had lost thousands secretly and it was pyaday and lost my full wage of £1600. Unofrtunately, its often when it gets this far that we realise that we have a problem and that it needs to be addressed. My partner and I have had a turbulent relationship since, which has really calmed down over the last 6 months to the happy relationship it once was.
The most important step for you is coming on here and holding your hands up to start on a road to recovery to beat this horrible addiction. You will meet lots of goof people on here with great advice, and there is chatrooms sessions available regularly which i would highly recommend (8pm tonight).
Make sure you restrict access to cash and get blocks in place to try to prevent any slip ups.
Best of luck.
Athena
This is day #2 of me being free and I'll never play a slot machine again, nor watch someone play them again...
Well I got home and told my wife. It wasn't good. She knew something wasn't right as she said I was too quiet for just coming in the door, normally I'm bubbly and bouncing with the twins. She actually got home early as she had went to work early. I've never felt so ashamed telling her. I was so angry with myself and with what I was putting her through. Thankfully she is on a good salary and has said she would bail me out. I am eternally gratefull for her support. I've installed K9 software on my pc to block all sites that could tempt me. I got her to put the admin password on it for me so I've not temptation to get around the blocking software. It's an unfortunate coincidence that I've got flu like sickness today but even with that physical sickness, I feel better for it being in the open. She told me this is the last chance and I'm not going to risk my marriage again by doing slots.
There are no easy ways to making money, it's a mugs game. I need to type that up and to re-read it to myself each day.
Hi mccawpa
Welcome to the forum and admitting you have an addiction to gambling like the rest of us. I must say that I'm very envious of you as I didn't have the guts to tell my wife everything and she found it all out and kicked me out some 8 weeks ago. The one bit you won't be able to relate to as your wife has decided to help you and sort things out ( I'm very pleased for you ) is not seeing your wife and kids on a daily basis like is happening to me and I can tell you there is not a worse feeling in the world ! If I was in your shoes I would be grasping this second chance and doing everything I can to try and make sure I never gambled again and watch my family grow up !! Well done on 2 days GF by the way it's not easy in the early days thats for sure, I would be trying to get as much help for yourself and wife as possible so you can try and lead as normal a life as possible during your recovery. I wish you and your family all the best and as I said at the start I'm very envious of your situation !
"It's good to talk and take it one day at a time"
All the Best
Darren
This is day #4 of me being free and I'll never play a slot machine again, nor watch someone play them again...
Not played the slots but I found that before, I must have been watching people on youtube streaming slot playing, a lot....as I find myself inadvertently reaching for youtube to watch someones uploaded stream of them playing. Only to find myself saying w*f are you doing, get that off. As I said before I was a streamer of slot playing and I had my dedicated youtube channel and followers too. I guess this might be a new twist to the single loner slot player stereotype that people who see gamblers, think they are. I used to stream myself playing and have a chat room for people to chat about and comment on what I'm playing at the time, do game requests etc. All good fun, until you start spending money you don't have on chasing that win that never happens. This is what happened to me. So yeah I might be slightly different to the normal slot player story but I still ended up the same mess. My name is Paul and I've not played slots for 4 days.
There are no easy ways to making money, it's a mugs game. I need to type that up and to re-read it to myself each day.
Hey mccawpa,
Firstly well done on telling your wife, that amount of strength is unimaginable for some. I really think it'll help your recovery in the future as there is no secret.
Those online YouTube videos are KILLERS. I know exactly what you mean. I once stumbled upon a "Jackpot Win" video of a slot I used to enjoy and it led to a £1000 binge - not good. It's horrible that this can take hold in such a way that only a tiny nudge can cause a binge. For me as an example, there was a particular symbol which indicated free spins on a slot. I once saw this symbol on some packaging at work and it led to a binge - how stupid is that? The best advice is to not leave any stone unturned and try doing everything possible (and then some) to block any chance of an urge.
Congratulations on 4 days GF, keep updating every day and before you know it, you'll hit the double digit club.
This is day #5 of me being free and I'll never play a slot machine again, nor watch someone play them again...
Just posting to say that I'm finding reading other diaries in the mornings, sets me up with steel to make it through the day. Lots of good motivation and lots of vibes to help me get through another day. That's what it's all about at the end of the day...making it through just 1 day at a time. Have a good day folks and stay GF!!
There are no easy ways to making money, it's a mugs game. I need to type that up and to re-read it to myself each day.
Welcome mate. Stay strong with me!
3rd day after my lapse still very low but still no gambling
This is day #6 of me being free and I'll never play a slot machine again, nor watch someone play them again...
Well I watched someone play online today on youtube and boy was I sad for him. I pity him. I had zero inclination of gambling myself which was good. I wish that guy I watched would get some help though. He has totally lost the value of money as it's just clicking on a screen for him. Betting £3k+ on 1 spin of roulette. I actually felt sick for him even though he won. The thought of never doing similar again myself, is great. I'm enjoying things again. I went to a friends house today and had good fun. No thoughts of gambling and just a good catch up to make me feel happier. Wife is having a few stress issues with work and with us having twin babies, it's a hard night when you are up and down and not getting proper sleep. I don't care though, I don't gamble any more and I feel great 🙂 I pity those who do gamble and hope that they get the inner steel I feel I have just now, to stop spending money they don't have, on something they don't like doing. Here's to nearly 1 week GF 🙂
There are no easy ways to making money, it's a mugs game. I need to type that up and to re-read it to myself each day.
This is day #7 of me being free and I'll never play a slot machine again, nor watch someone play them again...
Having had time to reflect from last night post above day #6. I realise that I actually watched someone gamble, even though I said above I'd not watch someone do it. My reasons for doing it was to possibly try to reach out to him to see if he wanted any help. I'm not sure he is ready to be helped though and that means I just need to consider myself now. If he needs help he can get it some time he is ready to accept help. I don't know if watching him negates my diary but as I've not gambled myself, I'll see it as still not having gambled myself.
There are no easy ways to making money, it's a mugs game. I need to type that up and to re-read it to myself each day.
There aren't any good reasons for watching those videos and watching them can only fuel the addiction. You're the only one you can help. My advice would be to put yourself and your recovery first and step away from them.
You still ok pal?
This is day #9 of me being free and I'll never play a slot machine again, nor watch someone play them again...
Yes thanks for asking squire. I'm good. Not gambled and feeling great. Finally a light at the end of the tunnel. Just sitting watching my baby twin boys playing is great therapy. They are so innocent and full of baby fun and exploration. It's magic. Before I'd have just been playing slots and missing this playtime. Now I turn off the TV and just enjoy life's little pleasures 😀
There are no easy ways to making money, it's a mugs game. I need to type that up and to re-read it to myself each day.
I agree with that statement in bold. Couldn't be more true. Everyday we stay gamble free we edge closer to being more financially stable.
Glad to hear things are starting to pick up for you, bring on this next week!
This is day #11 of me being free and I'll never play a slot machine again, nor watch someone play them again...
Still haven't gambled. Getting back into my pc gaming - Football Manager16 and Battlefield 1 are the latest distractions...it's good to be distracted at times 😉 Hope you'er all having a GF Monday!!!
There are no easy ways to making money, it's a mugs game. I need to type that up and to re-read it to myself each day.
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