Angel From Montgomery

((((((((Joan)))))))) - just coz i can ☺

Keep looking after yourself

S x

Hi Joan,

Just read your post to Dan, about struggling.

Is it the want to gamble, or the want to escape, or is it the addiction telling you to gamble, on all 3 my dear friend, you have this choice, we are not nutters lol, but we are selfish people if we keep gambling, yes it is so bloody hard Joan, but we can do this

(((( HUGS))) to you to stay strong,

Suzanne xxx

Hi Suzanne,

Yeah. I have come to realize that I am all about what feels good in the moment and not what's right for the long term. I have to find that balance between right actions and feeling good. I get hooked on all of the wrong things and wind up making myself even more miserable. Thanks for writing. Just realized I'm responding on my own diary. Anyway... You are right. It's a self indulgent act and my choice. And it sucks but I have to keep trying. -joan

Hey Joan,

You are not on your own, I have to keep trying too lol, as long as we do the best we can, we have nothing to lose, we just keep winning, even if it does not feel like it at the time.

One thing I do believe Joan is we are not nutters lol, we just got lost :))

We will find our own way hey we are finding our way, because we are abstaining and maintaining :))) be it one day at a time, but we are doing it, very proud of you,

Suzanne xxx

Hi Joan

​Sorry to hear you're struggling. I guess it's one thing knowing what needs to be done and another putting it into action. For me change was more frightening than lurching from one crisis to another. At least I knew where I was when living a life within addiction, it wasn't pleasant or enjoyable but I knew how to survive the feelings I would encounter there. But to take on something where I wasn't sure of the outcome.... Completely terrifying!! I have found acceptance of my weaknesses immensely liberating. Learning that I don't need a perfect life to be happy lifted a veil from my eyes. I hope you can find a solution to your pain Joan.

Dan x

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Thanks Dan. Change has been slow. I never really wanted to believe that gambling could beat me. I always thought I was smarter and stronger. I know now that It has beaten me. -joan

Hi Joan.... I never really wanted to believe that gambling could beat me either, but it did, again and again and again and it could again if I let it.

Life goes on regardless, we keep on living and as gamble free time passes we start to recover once more.

Thoughts are with you

S.A

Hey Joan,

My own arrogance & my ego that i should be smarter & stronger than my disease were without doubt the biggest hurdle i had to face in beginning to get well. Letting go of my need to control & living up to my perception of both societies & the people around me expectations came in pretty close behind. Theres no shame in accepting defeat & asking for help, in fact i would say the exact opposite is true.

Dan x

Thanks again Dan your support means a lot to me. Today, the weird thing is as defeated and deflated as I feel I also feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I would leave the casino not only broke but enraged. Not at myself but at the casino for not letting me win. I would tantrum like a 2 year old all the way home. Honestly, I cried because I wanted more and couldn't have any. That anger and resentment would stay with me oftentimes for weeks at a time. I could see everybody else's faults and ahortcomings but my own and that would fuel my anger even more. I'm not only broke when I gamble but I become deaf dumb and blind to my own b u l l sheeit. -joan

Gosh, thank you GT and SA I didn't see your posts until after I wrote. Thanks again!

I just now, realized something else. I never thought I needed any help. I can do it myself because my ideas are always better. Arrogance. That's a good word Dan. Owning up to my arrogance today. -joan

Much calmer today. Out for a drive taking in all of the fall colors. Lots to be grateful for.

Glad today was a better day Joan. Most people with addictions spend their time & energies seeking a solution that fits their ego. People who have a little success in managing their addiction accept any solution where their ego

​has no relevance. I identity greatly with your statement about your ideas always being better than everyone else's. I'm still guilty of that one! Their are solutions out there for you. Maybe it's time to look somewhere new. D

Thanks Dan your support means a lot and so do your words about your experience with addiction and recovery. I tried to take a short cut and that didn't work. I tried to take a softer approach and that really tanked. I thought I could play games on the iPad. These games require money for virtual coins. I told myself this wasn't real and more like methadone to a heroin addict. I needed and deserved something. I wound up spending 300-500 a month and when the thrill wore off I made a bee line back to the casino. I spent money I swore to myself that I would never touch. When it comes to gambling on slots I am completely powerless. They are my kryptonite. Worse than the spending is the zombie I become. Animated flesh dragging myself through the hours and the work week. Seething with anger because if I were rich if I had a better life if I didn't work for such P****s bla bla bla. I become a miserable arrogant selfish b***h when I gamble and broke is the least of it but not something to shrug off. The house falls apart. We drive broken down cars and let our hair go among other things. Gambling addiction is hell and I put myself in it. I have no one but myself to blame. There are n short cuts. Counting days and broken triangles work in the short run. As you say, to buy the addict some time in order to get started. It helps to get past the real itchy twitchy urges that come when my brain is fried on dopamine. I looked up at that mountain that folks in recovery must climb and thought I'm not having that. There's got to be an easier way. There isn't. There is only one way out of this and it starts with admitting defeat. - joan

More... Then after a little while it feels like a weight has been lifted. I thought I would go nuts letting go of the iPad but, I actually felt liberated. I could do other things with my time. I didn't have to be chained to that f*****g thing! We went out over the weekend. Enjoyed each others company. Smacked on Apple cider donuts and kettle corn. The beauty of the fall colors was overwhelming at times. Anyway, I have a very long hard climb ahead. I am at the very bottom of Mt. Fear and its twin peak Mt. Dread. I'm scared and tired but it is what it is. I don't want to be a slot J****E. A zombie dragging myself from hour to hour.