Angel From Montgomery

Hey sis,

Low, agitated, upset, angry...feelings we get we like it or not.
Ya never know if tommorow you will feel complete opposite - happy, calm, hopeful.
It's just another day in this universe...ride the s****ones out, and grab (with both hands) the good ones!

Holding that rope tight...let me just check...<<<<<>>>>>>..yup, it's secure!

Hugs Hun

S x

I'm always in awe of the roller coaster of emotion this addiction can have us feeling. I've had a day of utter lows due to a slip in my recovery - and I'm shocked I somehow forgot how crappy gambling makes me feel! But I'm also reminded of how good not gambling can feel. I'll be much more appreciative of the little things in life again 🙂 I somehow lost my way and stumbled back on that rickety path last night. Time to climb the mountain at the end of the rickety road. I hear it's real sunny over there 😉

One day at a time. And it's okay to be nice to yourself. If you're feeling a bit sorry for yourself, grab a bubbly bath, eat a piece of chocolate or put your feet up with a cuppa. Pamper yourself just a little. Because you DO deserve it x

I usually watch Jeremy Kyle, then me and my life seem amazing 😀 😀

Thanks for dropping in Sis, and Pinky.

I survived a rough week. Medical tests and all of the anxiety that goes with. I wanted to run away to the casino more times than I can count. Anyway, tonight as I write I remind myself that I have everything I need in this world. I'm learning how to appreciate what I have these days instead of wanting what I don't have. Time for a nice hot cup of tea and some tv before bed. G'night everybody. -joan

Busy day. Got the chores out of the way early. Spent part of the day with my little nieces. They don't cling to the past and they have no concept of the future. They live entirely in the moment and I just love sharing in their joy. That's about it for today. Christmas is coming. The roast is bought. Gramma's new chair was bought. We're not sweating cold because of gambling losses this year. I've got 3 weeks off! Life is good baby. Life is very gooood. -joan

Lovely post Joan, full of optimism, and why not, we can be optimistic and positive about anything, when we are gamble free:))

In case I don't catch you again, I am wishing you and your family a very Happy Christmas and an even better New Year:))

Suzanne xxx

Thank You Suzanne and GT. A very Merry Christmas to you and yours as well!

I am remembering Christmases past where scarcity was king. All because of frittering away hard earned cash on the slots. Sometimes hoping to get rich. Other times seeking escape from the past or just momentary boredom. I now know why I did it and how I got hooked. I learned that putting certain blocks up did help during times of slippage and eventual relapse. I know today that I am not perfect and neither is life. I've been sorting thru the piles of S***e that I have accumulated over the years. Mostly old petrified skeletal remains of past resentments that I held onto for no particular reason. I will be a recovering addict of one kind or another for the rest of my days but, today I am ok with that. I've traded in my rage and frustration and have made room for calm and wonder. Instead of approaching challenges with the familiar oh f**k!! It's, aha. Now, here's something. It's always gonna be something as the late Gilda Radner once said. It's how well we live with that something that counts. I don't fight addiction anymore. I accepted it as being part of who I am.The biggest lesson addiction has taught me thus far is that no matter how much I wish to drag a brother or sister along or how long we are willing to wait for them to catch up we can't save them. Recovery is the most personal of all journeys. I have traded in my frustration and made room for compassion. My own dear brother died in end stages of alcohol addiction. Alone on the floor of his apartment like a dog. I loved him. I will always love him. He deserved more than he gave himself. If I could have saved him I would have. I want more for myself. I deserve better than addiction. Recovery is my gift to myself. My words on this diary are my gift to others. Use them however you want to. -joanxxx

I can't decide if my tears are for the sister I lost (RIP Stace), the brother you did (RIP Ed) or just sheer relief that you are finding your way!

Your words have been gifting me for several months now but the ones today more so than ever!

I wish we could drag others with us...Push them ahead even but all we can do is look after ourselves so that we can be there with hand outstretched ready for them to reach out for it! Thank you Joan for being one of the people to have taken my cyber hand!

MERRY CHRISTMAS to you & yours!

Keep fighting, keep writing - ODAAT

Hi Sis,

I like your thoughts...i like reading them cause they always has a meaning.
From personal point of view as a gambling addict in recovery and depressive alcoholic...i drink a lot . To escape, to forget, to calm down. I was only thinking if dear lovely angel Ed is at peace now? No pain and no need to pass days by with a bottle. Nobody wants to loose a loved one...no..that's a nightmare! ..my Mum wrote me a letter i received today. She apologised for her past mistakes and wished me all the best going forward in life cause she thinks she will not last till New year. She has depression, she is poorly physically and mentally...life is life, we suffer for one reason or the other. I wish i could set myself free...peace is all i need, i passed stages of happiness or love.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say...maybe...put yourself first. Don't live in the past. Minutes ticks by, make the most of them. Make them count. Aknowledge them and share your light with the ones who matter!

You're never alone...i watch stars with wonder most of the times...they seem to twinkle as trying to wink to the mother Earth...maybe just maybe there are all our loved ones reminding us that we're being looked over from bad things...that's what my Dear dad always said anyway...never underestimate the power of stars ☺

Wish you and yours a Merry Xmas...much love and calm your way.

S x

Merry Christmas dear sis and ODAAT.

Felt like I was dog paddling this morning. Doing my damnedest to keep my head above the water. Hoping to find Serenity Island. Living in close quarters with the matriarch of a family used to dysfunction at Christmastime is a challenge. I am reminded that I can only do so much. I can make her a nice lunch. I can provide her with a safe warm place to be but, she is responsible for her own happiness. I am responsible for mine. I just realized that Serenity Island is not an actual destination. It is state of mind. -joan

I read something on Facebook of all places. I'm not a fan of Facebook... But, wanted to jot it down. Something I want to reflect on. People need three things: someone to love. Something to do. Something to hope for. That really resonates with me. -joan

I need reminding ALOT. I tend to get bogged down with a lot of meaningless minutia. Old dusty artifacts from past disappointments. Dried up carcasses of unkept promises and other assorted lies. Stacks and stacks of faded magazines filled with the shining smiling faces of men and women I never knew, and never will know but, people I envied because I believed they were somehow better off than me. I don't focus on what's important because it's buried neath piles of useless sheeeeit. P, my family, friends, my trainees. My hope. My hope which is set upon a pimped out RV that we plan on living out the rest of our days in. We will travel the southwest, and Alaska. Probably settle in a desert somewhere. I will wear long grey braids and my face will be as tanned and weathered as the badlands themselves. No more house. No more zip code. Just me and P and the open road.

Happy new year Joan x

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HAPPY NEW YEAR Joan 🙂

A new year of opportunity & hope! Time to start shovelling that sheeeit away my friend, you have no need for it...Keep reaching out for what is important, it is all there in front of you somewhere 🙂

Hi Sis,

How are things over the pond? Haven't heard from you for a while so just ya know - you're in my thoughts!

S x

I don't focus on what's important because it's buried neath piles of useless sheeeeit. P, my family, friends, my trainees. My hope. My hope which is set upon a pimped out RV that we plan on living out the rest of our days in. We will travel the southwest, and Alaska. Probably settle in a desert somewhere. I will wear long grey braids and my face will be as tanned and weathered as the badlands themselves. No more house. No more zip code. Just me and P and the open road.

It's there for the taking on the horizon Joan.

xxx