Angel From Montgomery

thanks Sis and DF. I'm too f ing angry to write. All of my words are stuck in my throat.

(((((((Ssssiiiiissssttteeeerrrrrr!!!!!)))))))

https://youtu.be/e-fnvfs0h0A

Fookity f**k! Get the poison out Hun !

X

Thanks so much Sis and DF for holding onto the other end of my rope. Still feeling fragile and raw. Don't feel like writing a lot. Just that I had access to 700.00 and payed a bill as planned. Walking the line for the love of P and a little girl who said to me last night, "please auntie don't ever grow up". I love that child beyond words.

Pleased to see you are ok Joan, and what a lovely gift that was from your niece,

Keep believing in you, because not only are you worth it, it works.

Suzanne xxx

Waving over that lil pond and sending you strength Sis..
Little things matters the most...when are we gonna finally get it? Maybe today is a good call ☺

Hugs and stay safe

Hi

​Joan,

Just wanted to thankyou for your post to me. It helped a lot x

​

​

Hey Joan, just flying by like Peter Pan to make sure you're still on this journey to the Never Never Land of eternal youth? Not that I want to go back but it would be nice not to get puffed out going up the stairs...That little girl has a very good outlook 🙂 & go her for bringing a smile you your face!

Thanks Suzanne, Sis, Dan, and ODAAT. Not been writing much these days. Staying out of the casinos. Trying to eat healthy food but not always hitting the mark on that one. Still struggling with work related stressors. Seems like I have little or no patience these days. I have tons to be grateful for. Looking forward to St. Valentine's Day. Will be spending it with the kids. That's about it for me. Except for the enormous polka dotted elephant in the room. I got involved with "play for fun" slots on Facebook and it turned into an obsession. I was starting to spend hundreds... I feel like a fool. Of course put blocks up. I can't believe I fell for it but I did.. Soooo, there it is.. Sigh..

Hi Joan... Nice to see a post from you. I hope those things that are stressing you out go away soon. I hope those kids bring you joy and happiness.

Take care... S.A 🙂

Thanks S.A.

I'm awake and it's the middle of the night. Just can't find sleep. My mind wanders. No particular place. Night vision is strangely fascinating. I find this oddly comforting. A little lol under my breath as daytime for me is really scary.

Managed to get a few hours of shut eye. Just finished shoveling out the lot and watched P pull safely out of the driveway. Laying low today with a collection of short stories by Stephen King. Life goes on after slips and blips. I no longer suffer days of drama over mistakes. Life is about mistakes and failure as long as one keeps learning. I am always learning. Lots of ideas floating around the forum regarding what recovery is and is not. Meh? Not something I really need a definitive answer for. My experience has been that most adults have learned how to rationalize around their sheeit. I had a boss who used to say learn, grow, or go. Some found her to be a bit brusk. I found her philosophy to be to the point and spot on. How we learn can be a very individual thing. Lots of folks like to share ideas about the "best practice" for recovery. Again. Meh? I'm gonna be 56 in April. I have survived a lot of seasons. So far I have met a lot of experts and a lot of a sh wholes. I have learned from them all. Anyway. I'm gonna get on with the day. I'm not gonna gamble because I don't want to.

More thinks ( as my old friend Rach used to say)

What have I learned about myself along the way; or if it's easier to point out the flaws in somebody else's thinking its time to examine my own:

I'm not 100% every day. If I start off at 60% I am starting out in a vulnerable place. I have to do for myself whatever I need to do in order to get myself up to 70% or better. Maybe it's as simple as getting more rest. Maybe it's not. Maybe I need to ask for help. Asking for help can be reaching out to a forum, a friend or partner joining a 12 step group or seeing a doctor. Maybe I need time alone to think or pray. On days when I'm not on the top of my game I need to pause before reacting. My default setting is stuff it down with food or sit in front of a game and zone out. I have had to learn how to be brave. Like a fireman who runs into the fire and not away from it. Feelings won't kill me. Stuffing them will. Maybe not directly but the consequence of over stuffing can lead to In my case relapse into addiction. Today, I am tired. The snow shoveling has been back breaking. The forum has in my opinion been "meh".... I can feel myself slipping into default mode. I don't have to. I can press pause. I can reset. I can let myself be tired. I can give myself needed rest. If I gamble today it is because I want to. I need to get myself into a place where I can see I have more options. When there's a lot of negativity about I can be drawn to it like a magnet. Today I tell myself: Get some rest. Be brave. Be positive.

And.. Just stay focused. 🙂

Hi Sis,

Good to see you around...i like your thoughts - good bad and the ugly!
Your soul is shining bright...i am blessed to have this opportunity to witness you fighting and accepting life and it's struggles...and of course dealing with them head on.

Look after yourself

Thank you Sis! I appreciate your thoughts as well.

Enjoying my book of short stories. Trying not to obsess about work but, still stuck. I'm thinking that I'm getting burnt out. I have been at this training thing for 5 years now and it's getting old. If I claimed that my current upset state of mind is all due to a loud mouthed still wet behind the ears millennial I wouldn't be altogether truthful. "This above all, to thine own self be true." I'm getting bored with the same old same old and am letting petty bull sheeeeit bother me. I've got to maintain that slow deliberate steady pace. Eyes opened. Aware. Not led by the nose about what I think I'm "spozed" to think say or do. Like taking a walk at dawn just after a freshly fallen blanket of snow. Silence. I take in nothing but the clean crisp air. All I can hear is the sound of my own breathing.