Angel From Montgomery

I think it was just a little earthquake 😉
We do get them even if ground is not rumbling ☺
Keep breathing girl, all will come bk to places soon ...

Deep breath in! (Please breathe out also! )

Noooo...Give it to Bertha! Hugs scare the bejesus outta me 😉

Anything that takes the wind out of our sails can be terrifying 🙁 Good skills coming on here but never forget what has happened every single time before...They have passed (eventually, I hope, I'm sure they did, they must have, yes, sticking with my 1st analysis)!

Keep fighting, keep breathing & remember...You are the most important person in the world (to yourself) so you can be whoever (probably whomever but hey, I'm from Lundin) YOU want to be! That's your perogative!

Ok, now I'm just blubbering all over the place. Smiling and blubbering. What a sight to behold. Thanks you guys..

Does that mean it's actually a Tsunami then 😉

That does it. I'm gonna go give Bertha a massive bear hug. Then lights out!

Top class fighting skills! You go girl!!!
Yeeehhhaaaahhhhhh...!!!

PROUD OF YA

I was working up to a meltdown all week and last night it finally happened. Thanks to a few great people on this forum I got through it without reaching for slow self destruction in the forms of gambling on slots, over eating, or over drinking alcohol. I guess it really is about just talking it out. Being as real as I can. Not having to worry about being judged. Turns out 4 straight days of dragging my b**t out of bed at 4:am to train folks who for one do not fully understand English lterally drained me. I need a refill and the first place I want to go is the fridge... My weight is up and every morning at about 3 am my eyes pop open and I start guilt tripping and fretting about everything from not fitting into my clothes to being scolded by my physician. I actually lose an hour or two of sleep every nite obsessing about s**t like that. That coupled with having to get up so early to get in on time to set up -- I just ran out of steam. Attempting to sit with myself I actually ended up in a state of panic. So I reached for the iPhone not for a game but for the diaries and there I found Paul, Sis, and ODAAT at the ready to tease me out of my panic state and into a place I could once again find some peace. All I can say is thank you guys for helping an old lady out in her hour of need! Today I have to force myself to think about why I care so much about what other people think of me and why I judge others and myself so harshly at times??? It comes down to acceptance again. Looking at myself and others and accepting myself and others warts and all. I wonder if years of growing up catholic has anything to do with it? A steady diet of guilt and shame topped off with when you grow up you must aspire to be just like ... Well, pick a martyr any martyr. Still so much to think about. Today won't wait. I slept in. So now it's time to get busy.. No gambling on slots today. Don't want it. Don't need it.

Still plugging along. I guess if this were a year or so ago P and I would just be crawling in from an all night stint at a casino. More than likely anywhere from 1500-2500 lighter. Still, there are days when I wonder about what the point is to all of this psychological archeology. I get really sick and tired of myself and my delayed reactions to events in the present because of my past. PTSD. .. Some days I think this my be as good as it gets. Still, today, "mine is the sunrise, mine is the morning". A new day... I'm not sick and in a hospital bed somewhere wishing I could be back in my home with nothing to do or worry about. It's all good, really. Bring on the day then.

Spent the entire day yesterday with the little neices at the Mystic Aquarium. We met in a small group with a guide and met up with an endangered African penquin named Purple Blue. The girls got to pet her, scratch her neck, and listen her heartbeat with a stethoscope. An exhausting day but filled with the joy, love and light that seems to surround children. My cup is full...

If your cup over fills can you pour some my way... My cup spilt some.

Did the penguin get lost? Did watch a program last week and there was 2 penguins who had been a couple for 20 years and when the alpha male of the 2 had to go and see Dr for a few days, his partner stood firm despite amorous intentions from loads of young and up and coming penguins... I think us gamblers can learn alot from our little penguin friends...

Another day and I am pushing through. Addiction and recovery is a personal journey. Blocks are an essential component but, if I don't take the steps to heal from the inside out I risk relapse ( which is just making the same mistakes over and over again). It takes time and patience, practice and effort. Some days seem harder than others. Serenity I am learning comes with acceptance. Acceptance for me is about trying not to judge or categorize another person's impression as good or bad. In the scheme of things this journey is mine. It's personal. I am the only judge.

More thoughts. When I was a much younger person alcohol was my addiction of the day. What I discovered was relationships with other people was where I played out my trauma/drama. When I met the love of my life addiction in the form of gambling on slots this time bubbled to the surface. I have spent a life time trying to forgive the perpetrator so that I can finally get on with it. It's been a very long personal process. I'm not special but i am separate. No matter how desperately we try to get into and under each other's skin it's just not possible. We can keep each other company but that's about it..

Another thought. There's nothing wrong with drifting. John Lennon watched the wheels go round. It can be entertaining sometimes watching the control freaks..

I'm in a strange mood. Will just sit with it. Safe and warm inside the house. Will lay low for now... Not bad, just strange.

Gotta stop over thinking all of this. I'm not gambling. That's enough for now..