Angel From Montgomery

Good Morning Diary,

Another gamble free day down and looking forward to today. I'm practicing keeping still. I'm trying to understand why I need to be so distracted so, in control of my immediate environment. Soo much old stuff bubbling back up to the surface with Ed's passing. It's a good thing really. An opportunity to explore what's at the bottom of all of this need to self destruct. That's pretty much me today.. I figure if I can heal on the inside these surface behaviours might be easier to control and eventually end altogether. I know that at times I reach out to gambling as if it were some sort of security blanket or something. It's like jumping into a pit of poisonous snakes. How do I confuse a security blanket with a snake pit.. I bet a shrink would have a field day with that one. lol. -joanxx

Hi Joan,

So sorry hun that you are having to deal with so much at the mo.

As you know I have started to look into the "spiritual side" Must say when someone passes over to the other side it makes things so much less sad...actually makes you understand things from a different angle. Hope you find something inside you to help with your emotions.

Sending you lots of love!

Sue xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Joan,

I am sorry 2 read that u r going thru a tough time... I hope things get a little better 4 u really soon 🙂

U r such a gr8 lady, u deserve nothing but happiness 🙂

I am thinking of u!

Stay strong xxxx

Thanks for the posts Charlotte and Sue.

Hi Diary,

No gambling yesterday no gambling so far today. Will see surgeon tomorrow and back to work on Friday. -joanxx

Hi Joan,

Just popping in2 say that u r doing brilliant 🙂

I hope it all goes well 2moro with the surgeon!

U r a gr8 lady Joan, stay strong xxxx

hey Joan..

I understand what you mean about survivors guilt..talked about it a lot when i first came on..what your feeling is natural and the sadness and frustratioin has to come out so you can come back strong and have a chance of kicking those urges if they come along....

Your new diary title says it all because you are doing this for you and also for your brother and his memory.....he lives on in you ..

Take time to grieve Joan and keep talking about your feelings and your brother....as long as it takes..no meter ticking here...things will become clearer over time.

R and D xx

Thanks so much Charlotte and Rach. You gals have been soo supportive to me over the past several months and I really appreciate your posts. I may not be posting as much on other diaries as much over the next few weeks but will be writing some, and reading for sure!

Good Morning Diary,

Sadly, I erased a large portion of what I intended to write for fear that someone might jump all over me. I guess that's the point. I am beginning to feel a little intimidated and believe me it takes alot to do that but, that is how I feel. I am doing okay today. I was up all night again which is not good. Will be heading into Boston for an appointment soon. After that will probably just chill. I am very anxious about returning to work tomorrow too. No thoughts about gambling. I am pretty broke b/c of the car repairs so, that's good. I guess over all feeling a bit dull so, won't continue as I am beginning to bore myself. lol -joan

Joan.

your diary is for you my dear friend, nobody else, so please continue to use it as a tool which best suits your recovery.

I take greatr heart in the strength you have shown in your diary.

For it my dear friend you should be proud.

Me I am deeply honoured to be fortunate enough to be able to read and learn from it.

For that my thanks.

hope work treated you kindly.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Joan,

As Duncs said really your diary is for you and for you to write exactly what you want and how you feel.

It's lovely to read you are not having any thoughts or urges to gamble right now. Long may this continue!

Flagg

Hun..number 1...you write what the heck you like on your diary and if anyone jumps all over you I shall wade right in with my big size 39's..as now not only Blondies self appointed wedding planner but also Joans cyber doorman....Codeps eh? tsk...

Just as back up you can write anything you like on my diary if you want..my walls are like Fort Knox .lol

I know you won't need that but you write whatever you like hun...if i dont post back straight away don't think its cos im not reading...i am ...as others are and we are all witnesses to your life..the real you.

R and D xx

HI ,

Just a drive buy to offer some support should it be needed. This is your diary to write what ever you want people will choose to read it or not and comment or not, Please dont think that the genuine people on this site will ever judge you because we wont.

Use your diary joan thats what its there for warts an all..

Take care

Blondie xxx

P.S I love the diary title , im sure he would be very proud of you x

Hi Joan,

Just popping in 2 say I hope everything went ok 4 u 2day 🙂

I am thinking of u 🙂

Stay strong xxxx

Thanks so much everyone. I was feeling really vulnerable the last couple of days. And your support means the world to me! The truth is, I need this site to keep me clean and focused. Thanks Charlotte, I did go to the surgeon and all checked out well. I was sent back to work with a clean bill of health. My first day back to work yesterday went quite smoothly -- just goes to show even after a month, I still got it... cha cha cha!!! Trying to stay upbeat today. The grief now, coming in waves as the reality of it all has finally sunk in. So, that's me today. No thoughts or urges to gamble but, will remain vigilant. Take care everybody!!! -joanxxx

brilliant....really made up for you Joan..

still got it...cha cha cha or as they say over here now due to a recent advert on tv..va va voooom xx

grief is something we westerners are uncomfortable with ...i think we have a lot to learn from the east on this subject...even in the mediterranean people wear black and mourn for years...with us we have two days off..go on antideprssants and go back to work.!!.

im grieve more now 30 odd years on...

Give yourself permission to grieve...

((((J))))

R and D xx

Hi Joan,

Just really want to echo what everyone else has said "your diary"...rant away.

Glad you got clean bill of health.

As for Ed....I know it must be really hard for you hun...at least he has no-more pain...he is as free as a bird...Love that song by the way "free bird" lynard skynard (grrrrr sp?)

Rach...cooey...where is she

Free bird youtube...............pleeeeeeeeeeeease!

Sue xxxxxxxxxx