Angel From Montgomery

Thanks so much Paulds and Charlotte! I really appreciate the support!!

Hi Diary,

I got thru Thursday nite and Friday nite so far so good. Some nagging urges that probably had to do with "down time" during the evening hours. The little bull sh itter within trying to tell me that it would be okay b/c "lots of people go to casinos for fun." LOL! I am not one of them!! I think the last time I actually had fun at a casino was 10+ years ago. Of course I am still trying to process all of my feelings about Ed. His passing has brought up sooo much cr ap from the past. Things I thought that I had successfully stored away back out and strewn across the hardwood floor. I am up at all hours of the nite tripping all over it woken up out of a sound sleep by the Country music that Ed used to listen to playing over and over in my head. "nobody wants to get drunk and get loud -- and all my rowdy friends have settled down." over and over.... I know that self destructive behaviours like drinking, gambling and overeating are not going to help me. Those things will only make things worse. It's just the old storyline and the bait. Will I take it? Will I walk away? I am really looking forward to getting back to work next week. I might even take on a few more hours. I have made tremendous progress in my recovery but, I have a long way to go. My pattern is to go maybe 30 to 50 consecutive days without a slip. I really don't like that some of us associate a single slip with a complete relapse. If I fall down and I learn something new about myself and why I turn to self destructive behaviours in the first place then I have taken steps in the right direction. I have made progress. As much as we want to share this lonely road with others it really is a solitary journey. When we are born there are all kinds of people around but, we are alone. When we die there might be all kinds of people around but, we will cross over alone. This journey is mine and mine alone. I appreciate all of the support along the way. I hope nobody takes this the wrong way. I am just now realizing that in that moment it is a "to be or not to be" kind of situation and I am always on my own with the decision. Anyway -- thanks for listening. -joanxxx

hey Joan...

You're doing the internal processing my friend and entirely natural..feeling privaledged that you are sharing it with us on here..xxx

Also have the same thought as you on single slips= complete relapse as i think it fuels "not good enough unless im perfect "thoughts and keeping stuck in the cycle....

Never wanted to say that on here as felt being on supporters it wasnt my place to..but like you say you learn more about yourself each time while still going in the right progress direction...

Im still making a lot of unhealthy codep choices but the turnaround time to awareness is getting shorter and I can't kid myself.

Also agree we are all alone in this life..no one can really know what its like to be someone else or live through the eyes of someone else...and we can only walk side by side.

Past, present and future all operating at once..and we are left as humans trying to juggle the feelings day at a time.

Unconditional...(((((J))))))

R and D xx

ps ...just seen your post on mine...lol...having flashbacks of school assembly...saying prayers ..and everyone quiet..eyes closed.

Me eyes wide open...always had the desire to scream loudly due to enforced silence...lol lol...

Had same feelings in libraries and also theatres...used to cover my mouth up as thought I was going to turn into Jim Carey or start speaking in tongues..

Wherever I live is a Stepford Free Zone..hee hee hee

R and D xx

Lol.. thanks Rach, I needed that.. so true so true.. that would be me as well.. lol... -

Hi Joan.

Just wanted to say thanks for offering support on my diary. Good to see the positive strides you have taken over the last few months.

Keep resisting those urges. No shame in them coming, that's natural after so much historical gambling. There is great strength to be gained from not giving in.

Stay strong.

Hi Joan

Takin so much from how strong ur been right now it really does rub off , I feel what u write and can relate to so much of what u say again its a pleasure and an inspiration to read ur diary

Thoughts are with u

Castle2

Joan.

We do all have our cross to bare. To find time to support others is something we can take great pleasure from.

To receive such great support humbles me immensely.

For your support i thankyou from the bottom of my heart, i wish only this.

To do likewise, to stand proud amongst all and be strong enough to bare my cross and find our misgivings and harness them for our common goal.

To abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Joan,

Just wanted 2 say another huge thank u 4 all ur support on my diary recently, without ppl like u I think I would have gave up so thank u xx

Take care xx

"So much strength to be gained by not giving in" Thanks Curly, and all of you for posting! And, to top it all off Duncan is back!

Hi Diary,

I'm not gonna lie. Still having strong urges from time to time. I got through last night and I feel pretty confident that I will get through today. Stay very strong everybody -- I definitely will too. -joanxxx

Hi Diary,

Well, just brought my car in for inspection and it failed. Looks like maybe 500 bucks in repairs needed before I can drive it to work this coming Friday. Well, that pretty much quelled any urges for now. LOL. I'm broke again. LOL!! Seriously, I was really struggling. Mysterious ways indeed. LOL!

-joanxx

Cheers for writing on me diary joan really apreciate it

Good Morning Diary,

Thanks to my car sh itt ing the bed, and having no extra cash to obsess about. I was able to get past a payday weekend unscathed. I slept through the night and I feel pretty good today. So far so good then. Hope everybody has a good day today. Stay very strong. I know that I will too as things feeling a little more settled today. joanxxx

Hi Joan,

Good to hear you are hanging on in there. Sorry to hear about the car. It is funny isn't sometimes when we have large bills to pay we actually feel a relief that we don't have to worry about what we are going to do with any spare cash.

Recovering gamblers are some of the very few people in the world who enjoy paying bills! Well not exactly enjoy! But when I pay my bank loan and electricity and gas bills etc I think phew thank god that hasn't gone to the bookies.

Stay safe and strong

Paulds

Hi Joan

Big test with the car mine failed and I had massive urges to win the money to pay for it even when I could afford it think it just pained me to part with money that I had left which was always a big zero when gambling

Sometimes things like this can go one way or the other and u chose the right way and u will be stronger for it

Take care

Castle2

Thanks for your posts Paulds and Castle.

Hi Diary,

Two posts from me today. I had the chance to speak with a friend of Ed's someone he knew at the end of his life. I feel less conflicted about his actual death but, the real deep sadness has set back in. I find myself staring at recent photographs of him playing his guitar and just wishing to return to happier times. Were they happier times? I think so.. Anyway, no thoughts about gambling. Will be popping dinner in for mom and me in about half an hour. Then will probably settle in front of the tv or start a book.. I'm thinking -- I might be having a little survivor's guilt. I wish I knew how sad he had gotten. Stage 4 alcoholism.. went on a bender and never came back. nothing I could have done to stop it. I know that.. I just thought that he might pull it out of the clutch like he had done so many many times before. His friend said, he was tired. He had fought his demons for a long long time and was just tired.. thanks for listening.

-joanxx