Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan,

Ya know gal..despite everything you still manage to write with humour........what an amazing lassie you are!

Sending copious amounts of positive thinking to make your car start tomorrow

Thanks Rach and Sue.. chuckling about the silent retreat again. I can't help it..

Anyway Diary,

I'm exhausted. Long class today. Got through it though. I do think that panic attacks have set back in. They do not grip me the way they did in the past because I am not affraid the way I used to be. Do not know if that makes any sense. They just do not have the same effect so, do not really last all that long. Just momentary feelings as if the floor has buckled beneath my feet -- a feeling like free falling. I hate loss. I fear it and when I experience it I wait for the next shoe to fall. Poor P. I keep sending her texts reminding her to drive safe -- be careful.. I hate feeling this way. I left work feeling paranoid about my job wondering if my boss is mad at me. This is soooo not me and I hate it. Oh well. That was my rant for the day. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without you my gc cyber pals. Not much for reading and writing tonight but, have the day tomorrow so, will get back on and hopefully will be rid of this whatever the hell panicky horse S***e mood I am in... Thanks for listening! -joanxxxx

Thinking of ya tonight Joan..

Can feel your anxiety and just wanted to say....try handing over if you can....

Friend of mine in Al-Anon used to say that when she was anxious she would imagine wrapping up her loved ones up in a blanket in the palm of her hand and handing them up to their own HP's for safekeeping...

She said it at every meeting and it sort of stuck as i guess all of our loved ones also have a HP too.....kind of took the responsibility a bit from my shoulders when she said that.

Just for today your thoughts and worries have been handed over to the GC forum Joan...and i guess what im saying is we have them and you in safekeeping..so you can rest.

hugs

R and D xx

Hi Diary,

got through the day. Gambling is not really an issue at the moment. I wasnt in the best of moods and pretty much wore myself out cleaning. I'm being very controlling and grouching about pretty much everything. My little niece is here for a sleep over and I can already feel the ice around my heart beginning to melt. She is an amazing little soul and and her just being here painting and drawing little pictures reminds me how grateful I should be for all that I have. I can be a real ungrateful s**t sometimes. That's the addict in me. I read Rachel's post and that reminded me that we can be angels sometimes too. Life is good. I need to be positive. I need to be patient. I need to be grateful. Hugs to all of my friends here at GC. Hope everyone has a great weekend. Take it easy -- gambling is not the answer. I'm gonna paint and draw with my niece now. Thanks for listening. -joan

Joan

sometimes it is there staring us in the face.

Abstinence clears the fog and clouds to enable us to see it.

Enjoy your painting, i would.

Just for today be kind to yourself.

You truly earnt it.

Duncs stepping forward never back..

Thanks Duncs I appreciate the drop in and all of your continued support.

Well Diary,

I was thinking about dumping you altogether but, the truth is, I have been so much better off with you in my life than without you. I will trudge on but, I must say that I struggle with keeping up with all of the diaries. In as Rach would say, my third life? I am a very shy person. I don't typically reach out to folks. It takes me awhile to warm up and with all of the comings and goings I get distracted. I guess it really doesnt matter though, b/c at the end of the day, this is my diary and my journey. For as many people on this forum there are that many ideas about how to use this medium. Sometimes I feel guilty for not posting on others diaries b/c I have read that that is the best way to show support. I always felt that just writing on mine and opening up was enough. Every now and then a post moves me and I feel compelled to write but, then if that person chooses not not write back I think -- huh, maybe they don't like me?? Or, maybe I said something I shouldnt have. Ridiculous for a woman my age to give a flyer about that sort of thing.. but, I do, especially when I am in the goofy mood I am in lately. I'm doing this the best way that I know how. No booze, not too too much food and no gambling. I feel like I am free falling and I cannot concentrate enough to read and am affraid that my writing may even start sounding self indulgent and incoherent. I have to say that I dont give a f***. Once I made the decision to keep writing I also decided to stop giving a d**n about what other people think. It really doesnt matter. Today, I am as sober as a judge and not gambling. I am in the pits of grief and somewhat out of sorts. The love of my wonderful partner, my mom, and my little niece keeps me grounded and grateful. So, moving forward and gamble free that's me. And once again, borrowing a page from Rachel's diary, "take what you want and leave the rest" Take Care, -joanxx

hey Joan...

I know from diaries past that sometimes we feel like dumping them when we need them the most....don't fell guilty about not posting...

looking at the rectangles we have to type in sometimes i imagine them to be soundprooof rooms to let off steam..

No one should be having any expections hun as they should be keeping the focus on there own recovery...so don't worry about that...

I also used to worry about people not writing back and then editing my thoughts to make them more universally and cyber people pleasing and in the end I got so mad at myself because i thought...this is what i do in 3d life!!!

I think no matter what..everyone on here knows that a persons intent is good even if they get the wrong end of the stick sometimes...

On supporters last week someone came on and at the end asked for responses to "be honest" ...so i gave it and next day they deleted their post.

All I can do is share my exprience ,strength and hope.

.

Sometimes I think maybe i should start posting to all supporters to hang in there and it will all turn out ok...especially when i see people like Duncs and Sarah but that was not my story...

So the long winded message im trying to get over is...you are rigt Joan....Your diary is your own journey and unique to you.

And its that old saying....you can please some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time..

Trust me on this joan...there will be no one on this forum who would ever say anyting about what or how you post ..and you are gonna have to trust me on that one xxx

Know how I know this????....cos the one person people will have major issues with..is me...lol

Truthfully i kinda like that as for me this forum is also my alter ego...In 3d life people say "isnt she lovely"."."and would think butter wouldnt melt as im such a people pleaser...lol..but on here I am 100% selfish in my recovery and will go to any lengths to protect it.

In 12 step they used to say "how far would you go to get a drink...a bet...drugs..whatever"because you have to apply the same drive and go to the same equal lengths to get and keep recovery....

I used to post all night!!!

hugs and more hugs

R and D xx

Hi Judy... if your diary works for you then thats all that matters. Ultimately we are all here for ourselves and ourselves alone. I do at times feel as you have described but after having been here for several years now, ive learn't to be a bit more detached about it all and i certainly no longer get involved in the spats that break out from time to time.

In practice I tend just to write to the people that write to me but i haven't always been that way. I write as my mood and my recovery suits. I use to be a prolific writer to others and maybe I will be again at some point. Mostly I don't have any expectations about folk writing back to me but again in practice people do tend to write back. The more open one is the more likely one is to get replies I think.

Anyway thats me. By the way, you must write back within the hour or I will be very upset !!!!

I am joking of course. No pressure. Reply or don't reply. Its cool. you have already helped me by saying what you have said. warm regards... S.A 🙂

Hi Joan,

I have to agree with rach and S.A, stop worrying about what other people might or might not think about you because ultimatly its about what you think of yourself.

ITo pinch duncs phrase, its bespoke, your story and subsequently your recovery is unique to you, if this forum has taught me one thing its to not judge people as there by the grace of god go I.

I always read your diary, I dont always post and if i do I dont track if you post back to me, i have related to lots of things you have said and your posts have helped me.

Your diary has served you well so dont give up on it now.

Take care of yourself

Blondie xxx

Thanks Rach, S.A. and Blondie - of course you are all right.

Morning Diary,

Reading Blondie's post from yesterday made me cry. Not a bad thing. For me, these days I need to take a moment every day to really feel the sadness. I think I try to stuff it down with food and t.v. and cleaning. The cleaning has become ridiculousness. My shoulders are aching from it! lol. The good news is that I am not drinking or gambling about it. Those two would mean the death of me for sure.. I have work tomorrow which is good. Like S.A. I am kind of dragging myself through the hours. I really think part of it is winter. They whoever they are call it the dead of winter for a reason. If I look hard enough I can still see the beauty in the gray and silent morning. It matches the color of my heart right now. I think I could manage to freeze in the sunshine today anyway so it might as well be gray - a blend of both black and white. I guess in a way I am as Shiny would say, "middling". Take care everybody and thanks for listening. -joanxxx

Hi Joan,

Just wanted 2 say thank u 4 ur support on my diary, it means a lot rite now 🙂

Have a gr8 nite xx

Hi Joan

Not long till Jan is out of the way now , read so many diaries with people struggling , even in the outside world away from this forum Jan is notoriously a tough month

All we can do is ride it out keep fighting and thats something u av plenty of

Take care

Castle2

Hi Joan,

How r u ?

I hope u r ok and staying strong 🙂

I am thinking of u 🙂

Take care xx

Hi Joan,

I think your right sometimes we just have to feel the sadness and let it go, My sadness comes and go's in waves , sometimes i have my surfboard and i can ride them out, other days i feel like a kid on her first swimming lesson.

Keep riding it out joan and go with it, your doing so so well . Be proud joan.

I listened to your song. Thank you, it was really beautiful.

Take care

Blondie xxx

Thanks Charlotte and Blondie!

Diary:

Late post today just got home from work. Am grateful to be working and earning a living in a time where soooo many people are out of work and struggling to just make ends meet. I'm really exhausted and just want to sit down for supper with my mom and P. No gambling. No time. Always vigillant. I am one button away from financial and spiritual ruin. Oh well on that uplifting note... lol.. I am actually in pretty good spirits.. just a little tired. Will try to get back to diaries tomorrow or Friday. Take care all and thanks for listening. -joanxxx