Angel From Montgomery

No, it did not. lol. Oh well. Onward I go..

Hey Joan..

I understand what you mean about sadness and I think it's letting it out bit by bit so it doesn't consume us and are over our lives...

Also understand the fantasy life...I dont know if this makes sense but I use fantasy to also distance myself from pain and sadness ..I sort of go into character ..

It's like when I was living in the piggery ..I sort of became old farmer Giles ...and when now I'm back home I've slipped into the madonnas again pretending I'm the country life set...if I lived I the city I'd be a bohemian....I know it sounds funny but I also go into a fantasy world to cope with what's going on around me....

Anyway...just to say him that I'm still reading even if I dont always post back ...may ask our resident rob for IT advice as he is the GC expert on computers ....or put a request on ASK xxx

Hugs

R and d xxx

Hi Joan,

If you just click on your first post and click on edit, at the top you will see the title of your diary, you can just delete the title there and type in the new one.

Hope that works

Take care

Blondie xx

Hey Joan,

Glad your doing good, maybe find a nice picture of that place you want to retire, with the stars out at nite, and cut it out and tape it on your mirror in your bedroom. That way when your feeling blue you can look at the picture and know what all your hard work is going toward. Congrats on your soberity. Your doing great.

Chicagoguy

Heeyy...you did it ! ...love the new title xx

Thanks Rach, Chicago and Blondie my friend, it worked! Thanks!!

So, Diary,

I loved Chicago's idea of pasting a picture of our dream RV and a southwestern sky at sunset on my mirror. Doing fine tonight. Sending positive vibes across the forum. -joanxxx

Hey Joan ....just like CG 's idea...my friend Pauline does those wish "montage" boards she gets a big pin board and cuts out I images or words from magazines that show where she wants to be or what she wants to look like or her dream house,partner etc ....

Start with your dream RV and P and the worlds your oyster...xxx

Rach and dots xxx

Hey Joan,

Love the new title, yyeeee haaaaa !

Blondie xx

Hi there waving back from a chilly, windy river today.

Thanks for your kind words as always and am sending a very silly song today in the hope that you are feeling ok. I first saw this film on my 11th birthday so it is an antique but does make me smile if I am in the right frame of mind.

Take care as I think you will just be with your Mum this week so if like me might need to be extra vigilant although from the sounds of it you have little time left after work.

I have made some major c**k ups in my life and often struggle nowadays but many of my dreams have come true and continue to do so, believe in yourself and who knows what can happen.

http://youtu.be/291ET6Py6H8

xxx

Hi

I'm guessing you are really busy as usual but just calling in to say hope you are ok.

xxx

Hey Joan,

Your going to be in that picture for real someday, glad you put it up on your mirror. Staying positive these days is much easier now that I'am not using. Glad your doing well also. We just had to make the choice to stop, and our new life will start rebuilding itself.

Chicagoguy

Yipee aye yay!!

Well howdy there partner ..not worried too much as I can see you are posting on others threads....

If you go missing for more than a week or so ..cyber "Wanted "posters will be going up and I may have to throw a lasso over the pond...

Hugs round the campfire xx

R and d xx

thanks Rach, but, the truth is...

Confessions of a morally bankrupt soul:

P and I got a check in the mail from our mortgage company in the amount of 780 dollars. Apparently we had over paid into our escrow account. We had a moment of weakness and decided to take 200 and gamble with it. We did not stop there. We gambled the entire check and 200 on top of that. I had a dream last night that I was lost in an empty city. I kept searching for P but I could not find her. I wound up in some kind of hotel where I began to frantically search from room to room I entered a room with wall to wall sleeping bags laid out on the floor and thought to myself this is our room but someone has stolen the mattresses. While I was standing there a very sinister character entered the room with his posse of thugs and proceeded to attack me. I got my hand around his throat and chanted some kind of mixed up prayer and he backed away. I woke up feeling despondent and empty. I cannot gamble because I cannot stop. Gambling will eventually take over my soul if I don't stop but I feel that I am failing. I had a heart to heart conversation with P and she said she is willing to do whatever it takes including making an appointment with a hypnotherapist. We have a friend who was able to stop smoking and gambling after being hypnotized. I figure at this point i am willing to try anything. Today it isnt really about the money. We can recover that amount. It's about the loss of self respect and not believing in myself anymore. I have challenges in my life right now but, so does everyone else on this site. I am back at day f***k ing one again. I stopped counting days but, think I must go back to doing that. I really hate myself today. I have nothing else to say really except that I think I faced the devil in my dream last night. I got away but, he is right there and I am in danger of losing my soul to this bas tar d and it is my choice. When I was a kid we would talk about heaven and hell in school. When the teacher told us that going to heaven or hell was a choice. I used to think to myself; well, that's stupid. Who would choose hell over heaven? I am definitely going to go to heaven. I have come a long way from 6 years old. I need to get back to that place.... when making that choice seemed so simple. joan

Hey Joan,

So sorry to hear about the little slip. I just want to thank you for all your support you have given to me. You've come so far and helped so many with your kind words and encouragement, you should be proud of yourself. I know that's easier said then what you may be feeling at the moment, but I really want to thank-you. You have Chicagoguy in your corner and I'll come out swinging for you anytime. Stay strong!

Chicagoguy

Thanks Chicago, you being in my corner right now, means alot to me!!

Hi Diary:

Day 1

I did not gamble today. The truth is; formal self exclusion does not work here in the northeastern States. I can/ could have walked right in. Nobody stops me but me. Blocks are up on -line but, I do not fool with on-line sites b/c for some reason the bull shi t is so much more transparent to me. I have access to funds. I do not have anyone to manage my money except me. The only form of gambling I ever did/do is/was slots. I could give two sh it s about dogs and horses and sports. I have absolutely no desire to place bets on that sh it. I did not go to the casino to play slots today. The entire content of my account is mine and still is mine. I won!

-joan