Angel From Montgomery

Hey Joan,

Great to read you getting back on the right track:-) keep posting and of course keep the battle going...it's worth the fight:-)

Proud of you! We will do it...we are stronger than before.

Take care

Sandra x

Thanks for the posts guys. I will attempt to repost soon. Still having computer blues...

Diary: This weekend I beat the casino at their own game. It was easy. I chose not to play. Today, I have all of my money. They don't. Time to get busy living. joanxxxxxx

Always reading and here Joan xxx for better or for worse ..

R and D xxx

Busy living girl! I love this saying:)

Joan - 1, gambling - 0

You are the winner - Fantastic!

Take care and keep posting....even on your new gadget lol 😉

Sandra x

Good Morning Diary: I guess I have inventory on my mind today so, let's do it: I let the slot machine into my life back in the very late 90s and pretty much never looked back. The darkest times were about 2 or 3 years ago when P and I ran up a 33,000. unsecured cash advance credit debt. At that time we were running to the casino every chance we got. Since that time, we consolidated our debt and have been making monthly payments toward it and I am proud to say that our debt is down to half of what it was. We no longer run to the casino every chance we get. I have completely stopped on-line slots. For awhile there I would use online casinos as a form of gambling methadone only to find that it would eventually lead to brick and mortar so... I let it go and for some reason, I have no urges and no desire.... Which is a good thing.... So, where are we today? Regularly scheduled predictable urges that will begin Thursday evening about 5pm. Why? P and I are off for the weekend starting at that time. Over time we have managed to become weekend slot w****s. A lot of damage can be done over a weekend. We have money coming in and money in the bank. I am not going to lie. Access to that money can be a problem but, I am not ready to hand my finances over to a brother that I cannot fully trust or rely on. So, I have to develop a strategy for the weekends. Interestingly my father was a weekend alcoholic. So, I guess my behavior comes as no surprise. Getting off track. Back to the strategy: Not as easy as it sounds. I have tried to make plans but, I wind up dragging myself mindlessly through them. My mind is on gambling. Obsessive thoughts about glory days of winning. I enter the fantasy zone. It's not hard to cra ck P. Once I make the decision to go we are off and there is no stopping until the losses start to really hurt. Up to this point we have not lost the farm but, I am no fool. I know that it is entirely possible and only a matter of time. So, that's me today. Trying to come up with a way to get through the weekends now. I think the folks that are concentrating on mindfulness through meditation are onto something but, I'm lazy. What's worked for us up to this point I think has been a desire to want to stop and this diary. We are making progress and I don't want to lose sight of that. -joanxxxxx

Yo,

You know Hun, you are so right.

We berate ourselves again and again.

Forgetting to take stock as to how far we have already traveled .

Along the mine field that is our addiction.

Will we ever get to our finial destination , maybe not but slowly moving forward , I recon is enough.

It's good that you do not loose sight of that but every now and again raise that cupper in celebration of how far you've come .

Hugs Hun

Shiny xxxxxx

" Mindfulness through meditation "..

I also think there is something in that Joan...but it doesn't have to be sitting cross legged ...we can still incorporate that in our workaday lives right? ..3 hours ironing ? ..lol

To be honest I work with a couple of folks who do the whole kit and kaboodle meditation thing and in my opinion they use it as an escape...but we know on here that its all about finding using the right tools and moderation....cos we are amazing !!!! ..

Also the weekend thing..I guess it's about breaking habits isn't it..? For me Friday nights are a vulnerable time as its easy to start uncorking the red as a reward for the week and no driving the next day ..but this little side job has helped as I come home and go straight to bed...

My pal who also has struggled this year to break habits has started making cards and doing crafty stuff and has even stared taking orders for her cards for Xmas! ..it's glitter- tastic!

Elf production line I think.."Little Elves" now there's a good name for a company...

R and D xx

Hey Joan,

Shiny is right never lose sight of how far you have come. Breaking the cycle is the hardest part for any addiction, for you thursday evening is a trigger day and you have identified that, keep thinking through your strategy and one day you will get it right.

Start to do something really positive on a thursday evening, something P and you enjoy (it doesnt have to cost anything), start working on that dream board with those places you want to visit, Go fishing ? Cook food ? visit friends ?

Find your safe place on a thursday ?

Baby steps Joan you are making great progress.

takecare

blondie xxx

Joan.

Keep shovelling that trash into the yard, then burn the bas##tard!!!!!

You are making progress my friend, for it you and P should be very proud.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks for message and know what you mean about phone as I tried when on holiday and gave up in the end.

Interesting stuff about the weekend 'treat' as this was my tipple but having dealt with that my demons have transferred to my weekday evenings when I have a mega long drive home and have to stop at the services to wee. I would never have dreamed of this a few years back but how devious these little b*****d demons are, so yet another fight begins. Just hoping no one spots me squatting in a field in the next few weeks.

Grizzly horrid wet weather here today and have seen the US floods on the news so winter on its way but sending hugs to keep you and P warm and safe.

xxx

Hey Joan,

Thinking of you and hope you have a nice and relaxing weekend:-)

Take care and keep going strong

((((((Joan)))))

S x

Hey Joan...just thinking of ya today xxx

Thanks so much for the posts gang!

Diary: Sunday. I have been in a weird mood all weekend. OCD on *****. Getting into all kinds of trouble. I disassociate to the degree that I wind up causing more chaos around here than it's worth. For example: I put my iphone on top of the car while opening up the back hatch. It must have slipped somehow and got caught in the hinge. When I went to close the hatch I heard a horrible crunching sound. It was my iphone! I was able to slide it out with a long flathead screw driver. Amazingly the screen was perfectly in tact. Not a scratch on it. The back of the phone not so much. It was shattered but still in tact so I wrapped it in duck tape and it appears to be salvageable for now. The point is this is the kind of sh it that happens when I get distracted by anxiety levels that have reached and maybe even gone beyond the limit. I know that I am in a state because normally the tears would fall like rain. Out of shear frustration I usually cry because that usually staves off rage. I realize that there is more going on in the world to cry about but, am just saying that I have been able to cry easily and these days I am numb inside -- that is NOT a good sign for me. If I don't find a way to decompress I will implode. I am at wits end. I don't know what to do. We have managed to isolate the gambling urges to the weekend and have managed to stay away some but, at what cost????? I know this post sounds whiny and self indulgent this morning -- I am just trying to get it all out thinking maybe I might feel something. Anything. I'm afraid that I might snap and run away with what's left of our ever shrinking stash. Bottom out and get it effing over with already. I am doing whatever I can to stay in control. I do not feel urges. That's just it. I don't feel anything. Nothing but, worry and fear of something bad happening while awake and nightmares when asleep. I feel like there is no escape. I try to clean and organize everything in sight and wind up causing more of a mess. I cleaned the toilet and wound up flushing the disposable cleaning head right down the tubes. It's not supposed to be flushed. Luckily no real damage was done to the plumbing. I believe Ed might be around saving my dying as s each time. Lol. I can still laugh. I hate that I cannot just be happy and calm. I have a class on Tuesday and I am filled with dread. It is obvious to me now why I get into trouble with addictions. It starts with my obsessive compulsive brain chemistry. Add to that some PTSD and a family history of alcoholism and gambling ..... ha ha ha. No, I am not making excuses. For me I guess the point of this journey is at least in part trying to figure this stuff out. So far I think I have isolated cause and effect. I have identified the problem. I believe I have the desire to fix it. God, I just don't know how. Without this outlet subconsciously I am finding other ways to hurt myself...... -joanxxxx

Dear Joan,

First - (((((( Joan ))))))

Darling, very honest post up here, and i love reading your posts...it don't take a lot, dump everything, get it out and feel the stone coming of ur chest. You are doing rather well my dear, get that control back,stick ur fingers at everyone who is in ur way and annoys u.

I'm sorry, but have a little chuckle at ur toilet incident..i'm glad all good and drains are still in place:)

Keep posting Hon, and thank you very much for your continued support. We will do it! Believe in yourself and keep ur chin up!

Sandra x

Hi Joan,

Keep strong girl. Can relate to a lot of your feelings of anxiety and the tears falling, etc.

Emotions are a B*****r at times. At least you have got it all down in words, and it doesn't sound whiny at all.

Hang in there!!

Take care

Ade xx