Angel From Montgomery

Hey Joan

The positive news today my lovely is that I can take 2 of the 3 worries away...

When it comes to health of loved ones be it P or wuffs..I'm ya girl..

Pretty rubbish on boilers but as a team we can navigate that one....visually scrumping for firewood as my hunter gatherer instincts have now just kicked in to protect ya Xxx

Thanks gals! Am feeling better already just knowing that you all are out there and that I am not all alone in this beautiful mess. Thank you!! -joanxxxxxxx

Hey Joan,

I really hope you have navigated through your urges and put them to rest. This forum is all about honesty and real life. Black and white, nice or ugly...it is all out here. And i love to read your honesty in ur diary.

You will never be alone and i am very happy girls was here for you in this hard time getting over urges..

I'm a bit late lol....i know..12 hrs later 🙂 ...but just to let you know it's unconditional here and i will always be here for you as well as many fighting souls.

You can do it..and you WILL do it!! ( no pressure..lol..)

Boiler?....hmmmm...dificult one ( i prefer hot water bottles when times are hard or heating packs up in winter lol)

Hope all will work out well for you before winter sets the foot down in your garden.

Take care

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra.

Diary: Thursday. Had a cr** day at work. I'm anxious and I don't know why. I am literally jumping out of my skin. Thoughts about gambling all day. I know that I can't. I know that I won't stop once started. I know it would be a stinking waste. I know that I always feel worse after a stint. Always feel worse. Always. Even when I win because I cannot hold onto the money. P said that it could be the anniversary of Ed's death that has put me on edge. I suppose that could be it. Some days I still cannot believe he is really gone. I won't f***k in g gamble. It's just like a cowardly urge to come up on me when I am at my lowest. Cowardly, shi t bag of an urge. Go eff yourself!! I will feel better in the morning. I know that I will. I always do.

Joan...

f*****g crappy day with f*****s urges!!! Let me beat the s**t out of them for you darling!! I know you overseas..but i am ready to make it:-)

Indeed cowardly s**t bag of an urge!! f**k off from my dear friend Joan and leave her alone!!

Girl, you are never on your own, and i believe you are going through some tough time now...please keep up the fight. Tomorrow is another day...better day..has to be.

Be kind to urself

(((Joan )))

S x

Thanks so much Sandra!!

Diary: Another Friday. Woke up today. That is something. Some folks did not and maybe wished they had. Others maybe not so much. Me, I am grateful to be here to fight another day. I did not succumb to the slot machines last night and I am better for it. I don't feel worse, and I have all of my money. Took ma and me to the lab to have some blood drawn. Am nervously awaiting the result of my fasting blood glucose level. Oh well. P is away. I had a complete meltdown yesterday morning when I had not heard from her at the usual time. I had her unconscious, lying on the floor in a hotel bathroom in Florida. She was fine of course. Posing with Mini Mouse and a group from her office. lol. I really did not want her to travel with her blood pressure so high and not yet under control. I guess ignorance is bliss. Now that I know how critical she is I am worried sick. What I should be doing is managing my own inventory. Stop worrying so much about everybody else and start focusing on me. Not a happy clappy post from me today. Lately, it seems I don't have many of those. It helps me to get all of this negativity out of my head and down on cyber paper. It is never my intention to bring anyone down. So, reader beware because I am sure there will be more to follow. For now, I am not gambling. -joanxxxx

Hang in there, Joan. You're not headin' to the devil's den so that's fantastic. The thing I find that best helps me deal with anxiety/tension is when I throw my ipod on and do something physical. Maybe something like that would help?

Yo,

Lol stuck on 103 for days , keep on keeping on Hun your *** the candy in the end 🙂

I find it hard to be positive , and we put on masks for all around us . When I was in the throws of my addiction I became so good at deceiving people that I lost the person I really was.

On this site you can be you , if you feel you need to write something negative then go on, recovery is tough, it does no good I feel to put a false facade on it all.

Right with that said , keep me posted on the candy , you do know that you can instantly reinstate your lives by changing the clock on your devise. But it's a secret so don't tell any one . Ssssshhhhhhhhh

Shiny xxxxxx

Thanks for the message Joan and strange how the emotional thing can pounce out of the blue at times - my emotional big dipper seems to be getting higher and lower these days which I guess is true about the real ones in the theme parks as well.

Have been on couple of meds for blood pressure for a few years now so understand your concerns for P but sure they will stabilise things very soon for her. I have so many things wrong now I just have to switch off from them and accept each day is an extra one, should make me value life so much more and not waste it gambling but sometimes has the reverse effect and gives me a f*** it head.

Think the whole point of this site is to write about feelings and life can be such a b itch at times so often actually helps to see how others deal with the cr** in their lives as well as joining them in the good times.

Hope P is back home with you by now and you have a safe relaxing weekend together.

xxx

Thanks Carla, Shiny, and Dragonfly!

Diary: Saturday is here again. I just read Dragonfly's post and can relate to every single word. The healing power of a hug from the right person. Worries about maintaining the roof over my head. The regrets about money wasted that could have been spent on new boiler. And, the pain of the cravings that come without warning. Seducing me back into darkness only to lose more money, more of my self worth. Everyone on here knows the drill. It does help to read sobering posts. It does help to know that there are others out there experiencing the same struggles and the same urges to mess up. Today I won't gamble. I will take a double dose of FUKITOL a new drug on the market for anyone who has taken enough bu l l shi t for one day. I wish that I had come up with that but, I hijacked it from somewhere. LOL. Anyway, that's me today. Fighting the good fight as Sandra would say. Still in for the long haul but, will only commit to this day. Today, the only one that counts. Hang in there everybody. -joanxxxxxxx

Diary: It's gonna be a long Saturday. I feel like I am right back where I was last year. Ed was dying or for all we knew was already dead in his apartment. I blame my mother. I feel terrible about it. I am not proud that yes, I am 53 going to be 54 in less than 6 months and can still blame mommie. But, I do. I blame her and I have to at least say it. Put it down on cyber paper so that it gets out of my head. I don't care if I am right or wrong. I just need to purge these thoughts. When I try to stuff them I wind up raging at her. Then I stuff that too and it comes out in all kinds of ways. I would never hurt her. I snipe at her but, the hurt I will inflict upon myself for being such a bad bad daughter for blaming her. If this kind of post bugs you then don't read it. It is not for you. It is for me. This sh it inside of me is directly related to gambling, overeating and all of the other self destructive bull shi t that I engage in to just shut it the eff up. -mexxx

(((( Joan ))))

Put it all down on cyber paper..all day long if u have to. It is for you and only you, as long as it takes that tiny little bit of pain away

Keep fighting the good fight. No more words for you darling...just another ((( J )))

S x

Thank you Sandra. ((((S))))

Diary: Saturday at sunset: I think I did my best today. I did not gamble. I tried to stay positive. In a few I will be heating up supper for mom and me. It is what it is. Not a perfect little life but then, what is the perfect life? What was the best part of my day today? Listening to music. Taking a much needed nap and feeling relatively safe and rested. What can I do better? Practice more patience when it comes to my mother. Or, try to have more patience with myself for not always being able to find the patience with her. Lol. Well, that's it I guess. -joanxxxxx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?…;feature=youtube_gdata_player

Death leaves a heartache that no one can heal,

Love leaves a memory that no one can steal.

(Supposedly written on an Irish tombstone somewhere)

(((J)))