Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan

I also blame not only my mother but more so my father for dying and not being there to protect me from her hence my rage at " absent"men which addiction sadly brings up for me.

I don't feel guilty about that today as like you say it needs acknowledgement, it needs validation and for someone to say "yes that happened" ..you didn't make it up,exaggerate , or say these things for attention.

Due to a persons inability or lack another person is no longer here and that my lovely could have equally have been you or me. Sadly it was your brother who was the sacrifice and I can see that very clearly and how some days you must also feel a kind of survivors guilt.

When it comes to the perpetrator of hurt I can honestly say that it must be 100% worse for you Joan.For me those people are no longer alive and in a weird way that sort of evens it up a bit which I know people will also find unsettling if they read this...some justice was at least done to allow me to live.

If my folks were alive there would be a gaping unhealed open sore like an unquenched thirst inside me that is never healed. There are still scars but i have to be very careful with transference of those unhealed parts onto people who trigger and resemble.

I would also feel conflicted if I saw the nice side of the person and then have to trade that off against "why could you have not been this way before then non of this would have happened "

I can't take your pain away Joan but what I can say is that you have a 100% right to feel angry. Being stuck in that is our challenge . We have to somehow sort out what responsibility is ours and what is theirs because often we end up carrying and absorbing inside us all the emotions that others are splitting off from themselves because they cannot face what they have done or moreover..what they didn't do.

The pain is so great for them that they literally cauterise it to self preserve. To feeling people like us it comes across as cruel and I am someone that no matter how old a person is I still want some kind of resolution.

Age is no excuse in my mind which I know will also not be agreed with but like you I would also feel conflicted over that at close range as you are and would take any opportunity to snipe so don't beat yourself up about that one..if that's all you are doing then it's so minor that I would not even dwell on it.

"Just let them be and they only did what they could " is like a red rag to a bull to me as I would say "they didn't try hard enough" ..yep ..I know that one!

I think sometimes it's easier to forgive action that ended up being the wrong due to a mistaken intent than no action at all.

R and D xxx

(((((J ))))!

Diary: Sunday. I made it. I made it through the weekend so far without gambling on a slot machine. I could not have gotten this far without the support of OTHERS - thanks for being there. Nothing has really changed but, I feel like I can cope a little bit better today. Getting thru the minutes, the hours, some days in our own skins, without blaming, without comparing ourselves to others, allowing ourselves to learn from others even if their styles do not jibe with our own and daring ourselves to get up and get on with it; IS living in the real world. 😀 I get so much from reading on this forum! The good, the bad, and even the pessimistic. Real living requires balance. I saw that movie Eat, Pray, Love I think it was called... Although I could never afford to take a trip around the world like the Julia Roberts character, and it was corny at times; the point of the story was not wasted on me. For me, taking time to read, meditate, process, and maybe write on my diary is a form of prayer. Of course anything in excess is a problem. But, there needs to be a balance. Of course anything we do can become too much of a distraction. The biggest lesson I learned from the diversity of thought on this forum is; I learn the most when first I LISTEN. Next is; if you spot it you got it. Time to review and perhaps revise your own inventory miss joan. That's me so far today. Same old broad. Same old skin. Same old same old but, a slightly different outlook. The same old sun seems to be shining a little bit brighter today.. A miracle? Not really.. I will probably be back so, again, if my diary entries are not your cup of tea. Pass me by. -joanxxxx

That's my fighter brave heart!!!!

http://youtu.be/nMft5QDOHek

And a little extra to brighten your day...heh heh

http://youtu.be/VUfj9qom6_I

can't beat old good peter ;-D

Keep it up soldier

S x

Glad ya got through the weekend gamble free. You just keep doing what your doing cause it works. Hope your coming week flies by, and by all your terms of course. Lol

Thanks Sandra and Soul. Reposts to follow...

Diary: Monday. Day off today. Work week begins tomorrow. P will be home by this afternoon. I am obsessing over some lab results. Looks like I have an abdominal ultrasound in my immediate future. Liver enzymes are elevated too and although not really bad some of my blood values from CBC seem a little "off". I have a fatty liver but, hope it has not developed into something more concerning. The first thing to enter my mind is; well, if I am not long for this world we should hit the casino tonight. Just being honest. That was the first thing I thought of... Not very brave at all.... My instinct my habit is to run far far away. I told mom and of course she wanted to know the results of her tests right away. lol. It's never about me. It's about her. I told her not to worry; that she would outlive her children and that she has two left after me. It was a shi tty thing for me to say. I wish I hadn't. But, when she immediately goes to herself it reminds me once again who the most important person in her life is and always was: HER. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. She is NOT going to change. So, worrying is not going to solve a thing. I will wait for the doc to call and go from there. I am fat and slightly glucose intolerant. The elevated liver enzymes are probably fatty liver and the slightly off blood values could be anemia. Maybe I need a little iron.... Oh well. That's the rant for the day. Gambling is not going to solve a d**n thing. I know that. -joanxxxx

Well hope ya hear nothing But good news from the doctor and all is good. A good herb for your liver is milkthisle. I take it daily, well when I remember I should say. LOL mainly cause I like my beer and as we all know alcohol is hard on the liver. My brother in law has had hepatitis C and his doctor recommended it to him. Wanna say he's pretty much fully recovered from it and worth a try. Can pick it up at wal- mart for like $6 for 90 soft gels. Take like 2 a day myself and yeah may have a better brand at a regular health store that sells only vitamins but seems to do the trick for me, in that i did consume a lot a beer in my days and still do I guess and no liver related problems which really amazes me. LOL LOL LOL

"If you spot it you got it." I love that, Joan. It's so true. Sorry for your health concerns, not to mention the emotional ones. They're so related, though. I wish I could "make it all better" for you but of course, I can't. I'm fighting the desire to tell you what to do (little know it all I am) as you probably already know yourself but don't have the energy to do it all. Give yourself credit for doing something, though, as coming here regularly is a commitment to yourself. Keep fighting, Joan. You're worth it and it will eventually pay off.

Understand your health concerns more than you can know but please try not to worry as the fear is always worse than the reality whatever comes your way and you and P can kick it all into touch, just keep taking those Fuckola tabs.

xxx

Thanks everybody. Hope to do more reading and posting later. And, Dragonfly, I am taking my daily Fukitol tablets. lol

Diary: Tuesday. Got through a tough day with the help of a lot of cyber friends. P is finally home safe and sound only to be back in New York this coming Friday. My work week begins today and I have to say I am happy to be going in. Sitting around at home ruminating over mine and P's health and safety is driving me insane. I have got to figure out how to cut down on the worrying. It is such a waste of time and energy. I am one of those who stuffs inward instead of reaching or pushing outward. I actually felt like destroying property yesterday. I would love to go out running or kickboxing lol but, that is not in the cards currently. I have to start out slowly like just getting out for regular walks maybe. Have doctor's appointments coming up and will be hearing all about making major lifestyle changes... starting with tossing out all of my wonderful Halloween candy. ha ha ha... Oh well if that is the worst of it for this week then I should say I have it pretty d**n good. Am thinking about all of those souls caught up in that Typhoon. God, the shi t that people have to bear in this life. Gotta go and get ready. Taking all of you with me today. Strength and determination. -joanxxxxx

Thanks for the support on my diary. Truly appreciated. Just one of those days. Like you, I am in a constant struggle for balance. Wish I could take that Halloween candy off your hands. I devoured the last of mine a few days ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBb5v1sJhuU

Jey Joan,

Can i have some of those f... tablets? Seems like you had a nice time lol...thinking of trashing ur house 😉

It was always said...better out than in...so just get it all out girl. If it helps..that's it - sorted 🙂

Halloween candy..never seen one in real life...I will try to race Carla to get it of ur hands lol

Keep calm darling..you are doing brill!!!

Take care

Sandra x

Hey Joan ..

I started posting to you last night and then the whole blummin lot went into cyberspace , I left posting you til the last as guess what? I was on the internet and searching through my medical books reading about elevated enzymes to see if I could help you or reassure you in some way ...

You know what I'm like ..always trying to find an answer to alleviate any fear and worry ..

Anyway , with your background in you work I'm sure that you have all the info you need at your disposal my friend...

They say "in worry life leaks away" ..so that will account for about 40 or so years of my life so far, even in sleep!!!

Joking aside ..It's a horrible feeling to be in limbo but I know no matter what happens you and P are strong together and will face anything life has to offer or throw at you and come out on top.

P.s ...Throw that candy my way! ..I'm starving today . The weather here now dropped very cold so it's homity food time..

keep posting and expressing those thoughts , the good , the bad and the ugly xxx

R and D xx

Hey Joan,

....i know what u playing at...having that candy all for yourself!! Lol....unless Rach got into gear with no brakes attached and helping you feast on it ha ha 🙂

Oh..sorry, i can go ott with my jokes sometimes...just checking in darling..and of course bumping your tread to page 1 where it belongs 🙂

Like to read your honesty and really hope you keeping well and looking after yourself.

Take care

((((( J )))))

S x

I thought about asking GC to remove my diary or erase my name or whatever.. But, that's not what I really want to do. There have been times over the last year and four months that I wanted to dump this diary only to find my way back to it. Maybe that will happen again. I don't know. I keep making mistakes. I keep falling down and getting back up. I thought that was what this whole thing was supposed to be about. I am compulsive. I am lost most days. I try hard. I have not lost everything. I have not lost my family. When I play slots I always go too far and wind up spending all of my cash on hand. I have tried to be honest about what my problem with gambling was. I don't gamble on sports. I don't give a sh it about sports at all. I don't gamble online. I think it's a crock. I still enjoy going to the casino -- and, that is the problem! Captain, said something about learning how to live without something. I have been struggling with just that. When I quit smoking it took several attempts. When I quit drinking it was the same. There is beer in my refrigerator that we keep there for friends. I don't touch the stuff. In fact I wonder what I ever saw in it in the first place. I over eat and have a fatty liver as the result. I will need to learn to live without refined sugars and other tasty carbs. I am not perfect. I figured that I could work with gambling the same way. Make an attempt. Be as honest as possible. This site has been helpful. I guess I don't worry about all of the failure because I always thought that was how we learned. Science is riddled with failures. On here it manages to become a topic in diaries. Does he or she have an agenda. ffs. I'm tired. I will never stop trying. I will fall down and get up. I will take a beating like Rocky. because, I love this life. So, that's it for me. And, all the best to you. -joan