Hi all,
Im pretty new here but first of all i want to say a big thank you for being able to read through so many heart wrenching stories and successes, i found a lot of strength knowing im not alone and i truelly empathise with anyone going through this aweful illness, I shed many tears reading through the posts, because each one i read touched my heart because i know that feeling that others are feeling
About me, Ive always been poor, my family has too but we have each other, well my addiction was to that infernal game, roulette, it started off innocently enough, as many stories do, with the odd flutter here and there, but i realised i was making a nice amount of money doing this. To cut to the chase I became addicted very quickly i was spending so many hours spinning the wheel. At one point i was up several thousand, but as you can guess you know what happened next. I ended up blowing through over 20k over the course of a year. I feel like such a selfish scumbag i have a small family and we have a 3 year old boy who suffers from autism. He pretty much saved me from spending everything, I cant explain it any better, i had no control over what i was doing, until that morning he put his little hand on top mine and looked up at me, and i fell to pieces.
I have fought many demons in my life, drug addiction, suicide attempts in my family, lying, cheating, stealing, being in jail. But this particular evil is insidious it is always inside me thinking about just one more spin of the wheel, who cares about anything else, except that rush that feeling when you win and when you lose, yes im ashamed to say it gambling made me feel alive, but my son saved me from death.
I am now on day 2, of not gambling a penny, gamstop put into place for 5 years so i cant gamble online, but to be fair, i dont think i need it, the feeling of utter dispair, the dark dreaded cold feeling inside when you lose it all and wanting to end it all, theres nothing i think that could make me return to what i was doing. I AM going to beat this, I owe it to my family and myself. I have drawn a line in the sand i will never cross again, if i can stop heroin i can stop this
Hi tapu,
Thanks for sharing your story and well done on making it through day 2.
You can beat this and your positive approach will help you. Look at how others deal with the challenges your mind will give you especially on the rough days but you can beat this. You are not alone.
CJ.
Thank you CJ for your kind words 🙂
Day3
Had those voices in my head again today about driving to a casino and doubling up what cash i have left, starting to feel a bit schitzophrenic, like two voices in my head are battling against each other, think i'll go scrub my floors, must keep occupied, the more free time i have the more i'm tempted, hope time makes things easier.
Hi tapu. Your story is very poignant. The history of heartbreak, addiction, loss of control and a loving little child.
You will find a wealth of information on the forum with real life situations to reflect upon. I wish you well and hope that you can find the strength within yourself to fight 'tooth and nail' against this terrible addiction.
Hi.
Keep going. Well done so far.
Our stories are familiar (all too familiar actually) - so many things I want to say to you but I'll say this...
Draw a circle on a piece of paper. Keep drawing round and round the circle without taking your pen off the paper. Eventually the act will become exceptionally boring and predictable, hell you could do it with your eyes closed if you wanted. It won't get you anywhere and it you won't achieve anything from it.
That's gambling. Why bother going back there. You know what to expect... Nothing. Just a waste of life.
Now start in the middle of a new page and draw a line going up... Keep going until your run out of paper... That line you've just drawn is not gambling. It requires effort, discipline and exertion on your part to first create the line but quickly you hit the edge of the page you are not able to draw anymore...
Running out of paper the line steps into the unknown, it becomes formless... It becomes beyond our understanding and consciousness... What I have just described is our potential future after gambling.
Decide who you are and go with that. Are you a circle drawer, are you a line drawer, or are you a circle drawer who is kidding themselves saying they are tired of circles but really they just have wristache and need a break before they get back on it.
Read as many diaries as you can when you get time... You'll quickly realise which one you are... The answer will become clearer with each diary that you read.
The best of luck to you. Take care.
Thankyou signalman and changemylife for the kind words, it does mean a lot to know im not alone going through this.
That drawing exercise is quite brilliant, it does make you see things in a different light, thankyou for sharing that with me, i think i am a circle guy if im honest with myself, though i think i've had a massive wake up call to reality this month.
On day 5 of being gamble free, though this morning when i checked my phone i had a bunch of texts from casinos, i thought gamstop stops all this. I guess its got under my skin a bit, they KNOW im a problem gambler, yet they continue with the texts, how is this right? its like giving crack C*****e to a recovering addict. Going to hit the gym to try to use my anger in a positive way, Im so angry at bookies and casinos, wish this country would get rid, i know will never happen because of revenue creation for the gubbermint, i know how the bigger world works, money talks that all that matters, but when is enough enough? will we ever reach a tipping point where as a nation we recognise collectively how truelly evil and a drain on society these dens of inequity really are, sorry for my vent, just P****d...i know one can only dream
Well done tapu for venturing out to the gym to vent your anger - it's the best way. Although it's also really important to accept that some things we cannot necessary change or influence ourselves. The Government, the gambling sites, advertisements etc. But still we have the power to decide. We can choose not to listen because we know how they work - we understand the cruel inticement. The clever mind games. We will show no weakness, because we are worth more than that!
Signalman. I like the analogy of the pen and paper exercise. I agree that continuing gambling is like going around in circles. Making no progress. A repeated sinerio.
All the best guys. Keep up with the recovery, one day at a time.
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