Back from the Brink

Day 36

First post in 4 months. Have had a tumultuous period, but feel I’ve finally turned a corner. Blocks in place, and literally no temptation in over a month. Debts are very high, but easily reduced by £1200 this month just by being a little careful, which for the first time in 12 months is a step in the right direction.

Family events particularly in the last 2 months have put my predicament right into perspective - in time I will sort this mess, and I have more than enough time to do so - and this is something I’m now very aware of and thankful for. The mental scars will gradually heal, the financial worries will gradually dissipate. Life is for living, no more wasted time, no more stressing or worrying.

Day 41

Motoring along nicely with this now. Hardly given gambling a second thought in the last few weeks. I’d love to be able to figure out how my mind works, and how the gambling urges have dissipated so quickly. It seems to have been worryingly easy - but I’m not knocking it.

Day 43

Heading towards 50days - no urges. Again, money will be tight this month, not helped by a £300 bill from the Inland Revenue - apparently there was a “mistake” in my tax return - I only got the letter yesterday and they’ve already started charging me interest on it !!! I’m only doing these from when I did Mystery Shopping, which I made next to no money that year anyway. There was a time in the not too distant past when £300 could have been squandered in a few turns of a card, but now back in the real world, it’s a big deal, and in a way, I’m pleased it is.

Day 1 - Was doing so well, but had a slip-up last night. Not sure where it came from, but with so many restrictions in place it did not get out of hand. So I dust myself down and reset the clock. 2018 has been a mixed year, and I have fallen off the wagon more than once but I've come to my senses quickly on every occasion and got the blocks in place pretty sharpish. At home everything is OK - financially, things remain very tight, but at least I'm in better financial shape than I was 12 months ago when I first posted on this thread.

September 18th this year marked the 10th Anniversary of my first faithful £10 on-line bet. The only time I wished I'd never won a hand of Blackjack. I'm convinced that if that hand went against me, then I would have shutdown my laptop shrugged my shoulders and thought nothing else of it. But unfortunately I won, then won again, then won again and again etc, then lost the lot, then some more - then tried to win it back and so on and so forth and that set the pattern for most of the following 10yrs.

The money lost to gambling in the past 10yrs is huge - 10's of thousands, however about 2/3rds of it has been recouped through earning extra cash through overtime etc. The financial situation continues to be a big concern - particularly at my age, when alot of our friends are mortgage free, I'm facing at least another 10-20yrs of credit cards, overdrafts and mortgage repayments, but I'm on top of it at the moment. However, what's now becoming more concerning is the amount of time wasted both in losing the money and trying to recoup it during that time. 10yrs ago, my kids were in primary school, they're now teenagers, my eldest doing his A-Levels. How much time have I spent each day gambling or trying to recoup this lost money doing overtime (?) - 2-3hrs a day ? Perhaps 10000hrs in the last 10yrs. And when I've not been doing this, then I've probably been worrying or stressing about it. What an utter waste of time that I could have been spending with my kids. But that's gone, and it's something I don't want to dwell on too much - at least not for the time being.

I know I'm not free of my gambling demons yet, but in the past I've found updating my diary an invaluable motivational tool. The last time I went 1300days gamble free, I returned to my diary a number of times and re-reading past posts really helped. At the moment, the thought of gambling repulses me, and it will continue to repulse me for the next 7days or so. The real test will be at around the 10-14day mark - I find that sometimes temptation creeps back in at the stage. Need check all my blocks are in place and head that one off at the pass.

All the best Michael.

Day 2

Spending time planning next year. Thinking of where I could be in 12months time - a chance to do all those things I’ve been neglecting or putting off. A busy and rewarding year ahead.

Day 3

Literally down to my last £2.21 today, although payday tomorrow so should be fine. This will include a decent chunk of overtime so hoping that I’ll at least get the first of the 10 Credit cards paid. Gambling thoughts seem a million miles away - but we’ve been here before though.

Day 6

Gambling thoughts seem a million miles away. Working a lot of overtime at the moment which is helping to pay huge chunks of CC debt, but there is an awful long way to go. The overtime is probably only available for another month, so might help to pay off a couple of the 10 credit cards I currently have outstanding.

Well done on Day 6.. Keep going lovely. Keep busy. Do all the overtime you can get. It helps to keep as busy as you can early stages. Xx

Day 1

Had a blip ... an after-tremor. This in itself is not the end of the world. I have enough money for the month and actually managed to pay off the first of 10 Credit cards today. Triggers ? Tired and a bit bored - a couple of spins, then a couple more, the nothing so a couple more. Then after about 50 spins, I find myself down £20. Then I try to win it back with a few hands of BJ, win, win then lose lose lose lose lose lose small win lose lose etc... you get the picture.

The depressing thing is that with the overtime I’m working and on top of my salary I should be leading a very comfortable life indeed - with no debt and heading for mortgage-free. I’m not though - 9 Credit cards, a huge overdraft and large mortgage.

Paying off the credit cards in 18months is tough but doable. I’ve been keeping a diary on this site for 7.5yrs and fighting CC debt all that time - 1.5yrs is not a long time in comparison. This can be done. So ive started today by checking I have enough for the month then paid off my 1st credit card.

Next thing is that i want to look at my trigger points. Tiredness + boredom + freetime = a wandering mind = gambling thoughts. If I can start addressing these 3 trigger points, then I think I’ll be in business. I’ll come back to this in a few days time, but must dash - my family are calling ! Happy Christmas everyone and let’s all have a gamble-Free Yuletide and beyond.

Hi Michael,

I completely get what you said in your last post. Like you, I should be leading an incredibly comfortable life and it's only my health, my job and my family that is keeping me going.

Be warned. I reached my DFD in May this year, my debt-free-date. This meant that I was free of credit card and loan debts but not my mortgage. Since then, I envisaged being in a very comfortable position whereby I would find myself with a nice amount of money in the bank just before payday.

You can probably guess what has happened and yes you're right, this is not the case. However, I found myself in credit just before my last payday which was the first time that that had happened for a few months and I am looking to 2019 with renewed targets in my planned post-gambling life.

Of course, it's not going to be easy but I now have a very strong tool. Monzo. It's a bank card which has an option to block gambling transactions. I have tried this in bookies and it worked and I have already asked them to change my daily cash withdrawl limit from £400 to a much more sensible £100.

This is the first time in my gambling recovery journey that I have this very strong tool and I have high hopes for 2019. I just thought that I would make you aware of this in case you think that it will help you.

Hope your Christmas was good and all the very best with 2019.

NT

Day 1

Been looking through my old diaries and amazed at some of the losses I've dealt with in the past. But despite this, every loss hurts a little bit more, even though recent binges haven't been on the scale of the past ones years ago. But I don't think it's the monetary value as such but rather a reminder of what I've been wasting my time on during the last 10 years. I've started re-reading my old diaries starting May-2011, although my gambling addiction has been with me since 2008. There's around 800 entries in total, so will take a while to get through everything, but I can already see what a massive help they will be as I face the early weeks of recovery. Reading my diary entries from my darkest days, and fast forwarding to Day 100,200 & 500 entries gives me real hope that with a some hardwork, perserverence and self-control, I will again be reaching those milestones and beyond. My longest without a bet has been around 1250 between Jan-2014 and Jul-2017 and I know I can get there again.

However, I cannot just magic day 1250 from thin air. I need to go through the process of recovery, as I did before with all the pain that it brings.

I'll be 50 years old when I reach the 1000 day milestone. My daughter will be in her last year at school or college and my son will either be working or at Uni. When this "journey" started, my daughter was 2 weeks into her Reception year at school, and my son was in year 2. What I keep thinking about is that all through that time, I've carried this monkey around. Stress, worry and wasted time - how would have life turned out if this condition had never befell me ? The easy answer would be that life would be great, wonderful and everything else that goes with that. However, I look around my friends and I see strained relationships, money worries, health worries and so on and so forth. A life fighting a CG condition is a daily battle and it's hard, but it's all about perspective.

I'm not about to lose my home or go bankrupt (I have around 30K worth of Credit headroom for contigency purposes only), I can afford the payments (just), and my job is secure for the time being. My relationships are still very strong, with kids and wife which could not better at the moment. Family are all healthy and doing well. Other than the Gambling addiction and debt concerns, I have no other immediate worries. So I can focus entirely on that - a problem that needs to be overcome, and deep down I know that it can.

This is the day I step off that gambling roller-coaster.

Day 2

Up early ready to blast out a few hours of overtime - need to take it when it’s available. Out with the family for a meal later on.

Day 3

Ate and drank to excess yesterday - feeling the effects today. After a few false starts, starting to motor along the recovery road again heading into New Year with ideas and plans for 2019.

Hey Michael.
Read the first and last posts of your diary and will read the rest. I am just seeking help consciously after 30 years of pain and misery. Tried to stop half hearted a few times. Just want to say keep your chin up and try and stay positive. We all feel your pain.