Back from the Brink

Day 3 (Part 2)

Hi Marcella - Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Just easing through the 1st few days of recovery - letting this poison leave my body. Just checked my finances, no holds barred, absolutely everything written down and it was excruciating. To think of all the work I've done this year, a full-time job, and as many hours of overtime I can manage and I'm a grand total of £300 better off than I was at this stage last year. Trying to remain positive about this, considering how much I've gambled away, then it's a miracle that I'm actually better off. The shadow of bankruptcy may start looming if I do not take positive steps here - one more binge, and bankruptcy with all that it brings may be the only option - I simply don't want to go there. To avoid, simply take gambling out of the equation next year, and with patience and discipline I'll be returning here next year to report that my financial woes have eased.

Day 4

Managed a few hours overtime this morning, before a full day at work. Spent alot of the day feeling numb and literally shaking my head at what I've done. 10yrs ago, I was in the midst of my first binge which lasted around 6 months and ended with a £50K debt. I felt like it was the end of the world, I vowed never to gamble again. Had I have kept to my word, that lost money would have been paid off long ago, but no, I kept going back and now where I am today and since then another £30000 has been added to the debt pile.

That said, I have more income now, so might be able to make more significant in-roads this year than I have done during previous years and with a good year, I might start to get close to where I was before falling off the wagon during July-2017.

Looking at my past periods of abstinence, since my first ever post on this forum, my sustained gf periods have been :
28/05/2011 - 03/09/2011 (98 days)
21/09/2011 - 29/04/2012 (211 days)
21/05/2012 - 19/10/2013 (516 days)
21/10/2013 - 27/01/2014 (98 days)
01/02/2014 - 20/07/2017 (1265 days)

Since 20/07/2017 I've a few sustained gf periods, lets say another 200days in total. In other words, for the last 7 years, I've been gf for about 85-90% of the time which makes me realise that actually, I haven't completely wasted the last 7 years gambling. Once these initial negative feelings pass, I'm certain things will start to feel a little easier and the possibility of a sustained attack on the debts during 2019.

Day 5

Saw the New Year in with another excessive night. Spent the morning taking down the Christmas decorations. Vowed to myself that the next time I see those decorations I will be 1 year gamble free. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.

Day 6

First day back into work. Really tired this morning, but determined to cram in as many hours of overtime as I can today. Will make a significant hit on the debts this month if I stick to the play and what a great way to start the New Year.

Day 7

Easing up to the 1 week mark. Almost had a wobble last night, but convinced that this will become easier as time passes.

Hi Michael, just read through your diary and want to congratulate you on your efforts. Am at a very early stage myself and just working through the guilt and anxiety that comes with that. Good luck with the future!

Day 1

Huge row over a miniscule thing with my dear son who is really taking the P**s these days - asking alot, not giving much in return, typical teenager I guess. Anyway, I was seething and you guessed, later on, £300 down the drain. In the grand scheme, with a few nights of overtime, the loss will be recovered. I do have blocks in place, but it seems not enough. This time, I'm not going to let it get to me, I'm not even going to break stride, except to remember to get enough sleep (I'm still catching up from New Year) take a deep breath and continue on. I reset my New Years resolution and onwards I go. 50-75% of the Credit Card debt could be gone by this time next year and what a great feeling that will be when I arrive.

Hi Michael, where did you lose your money? If online, then Gamstop is a good place to start.

I know you’ll have read it a million times already from other posters but it really is a must if you’re serious about kicking this addiction into touch.

I am new to this Day 2 of not gambling - I would like to keep a Dairy on Gamcare but not sure if this is the right place. I am sick and tired of the hold Gambling has on me. It has robbed my enjoyment for everyday pleasures, stopped me owning my own house, countless nights of sleep. It has taken from children- money I have gambled has meant they have did without hoildays, a secure home, family days outs, money in a savings account. Gambling has taken away my ability to support my son at University and much more - it has taken time with me from my children. This is the year I will be gambling free - Gambling operators would not be profitable if it was not for people like me - a Gambling addict - my best revenage on Gambling business - is recovery - I have been paying them to live a comfortable life - while my life - has been full of panic, anxiety, guilt and shame. I think I will always regret not taking this step sooner - but today I have and today I am ready from the long hard battle I have in front me. Gambling addiciton is something I have power over - as all I need to do is NOT GAMBLE - Gambling will only control me - if I decide to Gamble - with supports in place to protect me against the cravings and urges - with the understanding the road to recovery can be a painful one - with the knowledge with pain comes deeper understanding - growth - strenght - I can and I will battle with all my might to remind in recovery - this will be be my revenage on Gambling - the activity - that has taken too much from my children and me.

Hi JustKaren and welcome to my diary. Thanks for your post and your story is so similar in all-so-many ways to others on the forum. The anger, stress, feelings of guilt, financial anxieties is all part of this awful disease. You’ll get a ton of support and you’ll find many, many contributors who are in very similar situations to yourself (such as me). What you might find really useful is to start a Recovery Diary, under Forums->Recovery Diaries then click New topic to start your own diary. In the meantime, it looks very much like you need to self exclude and get as many blocks in as you can and make it as difficult as possible to succumb if urges appear.

I wish you the very best of luck for 2019

Day 2

Oh why have I been so stupid to think I could make money out of this. Matched Betting is a dangerous game for a CG. If one thing the last 18 months has proved is that we are never cured. Last straw today. 100’s and 1000’s hours work up in smoke. Multicard online BlackJack each losing hand equating to an hour of work. Around 2 weeks earnings gone in a P**f of smoke. Every ******* hand predicted and perfectly executed by a rigged online casino. An honours degree and masters degree and I thought I was bright and yet I just systematically feed these casinos money - online computer simulated Blackjack, I sit there and I know exactly what’s coming - an impossible hand of cards, completely rigged just waiting for their next prey. You’ve got to hand it too them, they are money making machines.

I’ve been living a lie during the last 18 months, been trying to earn money Matched Betting which has fed me right into the hands of the casinos. I thought I could handle it but time and time again it’s led me back down the same old path. Flipped tonight, gave up and self excluded for good. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. Tonight something has changed and I finally exclude having handed over another £40000 after 18 months of trying to Matched bet and not gamble. It hasn’t worked and I’m left to pick up the pieces.

I will not pay off 50% of the Credit card debt this year, in fact I’ll most likely be sorting out this credit card mess for another 5 years. After that, it’ll be onto overdrafts and mortgage which most likely take another 15 years. By which time I’ll be retired. My daughter is talking about University in 3 years time which I’ll be expected to fund. How on earth can I even contemplate this. Ok - that’s 3 years down the line - 1000days away. Let’s focus on the here and now.

I’m in the **** now. I can afford the debt but it will be a slow, arduous and very painful process. No shortcuts now.

I’ve slept in, although it’s still early I wanted to get some overtime done well before now. I awake after a nightmare where my work place have rumbled my gambling exploits and I have nowhere to turn - they’re about to sack me. Anyway, initial relief when I realise it’s just a dream followed by a strange sensation in that I have no means to gamble. Normally I’d be looking for ways to win the lost money back - but I can’t now. I’m tired, but overtime is available but for a limited time only so I need to get in as many hours as I can. I’ve blown another huge hole in the finances and I’m in a mess. I need this money. I have a tax bill of around £2000 to pay by then end of the month, which should be covered by my extra earnings. I may get overtime next month which may help towards paying off half a credit card. I might have another card paid by July and another almost paid by December - ok, 2.5 cards out of 10 is at least a start. I’m starting to come to the end of 0% interest rate deals so interest will start ramping up over the next 12-18 months. My credit rating is rock bottom but I have a lot of existing credit headroom. I’m not about to file for bankruptcy, the repercussions would be huge - I’d prefer to wait at least to get my head “straight” before making any snap decisions. Dark times indeed.

A few hours of overtime then off to the football with my son. Despite the game, appreciated every minute in his company. If one good thing comes out of this is the realisation of what is really important in life.

Thank you Michael -

I love your very polite way of telling me I posted on the wrong page. It sounds like things are not so great at the minute. Really hope things get better.

Day 3

I had a better night’s sleep last night. Woke up in a positive mood. Realised that although the finances are one thing, and keeping on top of minimum payments every month is doable, some months I may need to move some money around to keep on top of things, but provided that debt comes down, then the less pressure it’ll be. State of mind though is the priority - on the outside I’m my usual happy go lucky Dad and if I’m not tired, then that’s my natural self. But I’m at my most vulnerable when I work too many hours and wake up tired and fatigued. That’s when I’m too tired to focus and I fast become frustrated at work, then I stop working and become bored, then I become most vulnerable to those gambling thoughts. But at the moment, I feel good and gambling thoughts are far away.