Back to Square One

Hi Paul,

Well done on 9 days.

Keep taking those small steps forward, as it is the only way we win by abstaining and maintaining.

Best wishes,

Suzanne xx

I don't usually write in my diary more than once a day but right now I feel I need to.

After a busy, but fairly decent day at work I got really tempted to gamble on the way home. I don't really understand these urges at the moment. After everything I've written this past week I still want to gamble. My recent poison has been live roulette online and an ill-fated trip to real casino. Tonight I've been considering bookies roulette or sports betting.

I've stood firm up to know and the urge has died down a little bit but it's very unsettling to get these thoughts. I've tried to ask myself what realistic amount of money I'd like to win and I don't really have an answer. I seemingly want to play for the thrill of it. Not good.

Hoping these urges pass with time. I've never known anything like it - they seem to come on for no apparent reason and it's really hard not to act on them.

Horrible, horrible addiction. How did I allow myself to get like this?

Holding on for dear life at the moment.

Poor effort tonight.

I made that trip to the bookies. I'm sorry to all the people who've supported me these last few days.

I'm going to consider my approach over the next few days. I will return to my diary when I've got a few days gamble-free behind me again. Pointless writing the same old day 1 s***e again.

Positives

- No financial damage done

- CBT should be starting within the next week

- I want to quit

I'll be back stronger next time. In the meantime must try harder.

I'm not going to be too hard on myself (wouldn't be writing that sentence if I'd lost money tonight) but will try and learn from it and get straight back on the horse so to speak.

Hi paulll

Don't worry about the recent slip you can go again. The fact that you have withdrawn when in a winning position shows an acute understanding of our shared problem. I know that I would have been extremely unlikely to do the same. Look to the positives - such that you realised this was unhealthy more or less immediately. We will always lose in the long run.

If the reason for your gambling is financial then things will only get worse not better. However you stated that you bet tonight more for the thrill of it. This is something I can relate to though my primary purpose was normally to chase a loss or win big money. The thrill is a difficult one to replace and hard to advise on. Most recently whilst I was betting I remember desperately wanting the calm that I had in the 13 months before I started again in May. I will try forever not to forget this.

Post often and don't wait to accrue days before coming back as this is a new start.

All the best pal, Myles

Unsurprisingly the win I had on Monday night led to more huge losses on Tuesday night.

I'm now on day 4. Things are a bit better now than earlier in the week. Something has clicked - I can't really describe it - it's as if a switch has been flicked in my head and for now I haven't really had any urges to gamble. This isn't because I don't have funds. The credit card has enough left on it to cause some serious damage. Maybe I've admitted defeat? I certainly have no desire to chase my losses - perhaps I have accepted that the money has gone and isn't coming back?. Whatever it is I'm glad I'm not gambling anymore.

I have my first counselling session today. I'm hoping it's more CBT - I don't know what to expect really. Fingers crossed today could be a huge turning point.

Embracing recovery again.

Last bet 14/10/2014

Day 5

First counselling session went well yesterday. I found it emotionally draining and have been quite tearful these past 24 hours. I find it hard to accept, but the counselor seemingly got to the root cause of my problems in about 10 minutes! I think she saw exactly what's been going on and I have a feeling she knows just what buttons to press. I think the sessions will be hard but if that's what it takes then so be it.

Seeing her again next week. These sessions are free by the way and was sorted out within 10 days of a doctor's referral, so if anyone reading this is considering counselling I would say seize the opportunity with both hands!

She strongly recommended GA. I explained that 'group sessions' really aren't my thing and she said that I need to CONFRONT any fears I have if I want to get better - which I do.

Been keeping busy round the house today as temptations to gamble are still there. I watched MOTD and was thinking one massive punt on a 1/2 shot would sort my finances out - but these thoughts were quickly brushed to one side. Girlfriend is out today and I have access to her laptop (got a blocker on mine) but I know I won't gamble today.

Hi Paul

Thank you for sharing your experiences. The honesty is what this place is all about and benefits me and I'm sure others.

You seem to be doing well. Best of luck

Day 7

The past week has flown by and I haven't had much inclination to gamble which is great, but thoughts/temptations are still there.

Looking forward to my next counselling session. I'm still in emotional turmoil but there is no quick fix unfortunately. I have tried to help myself by eating better, drinking less alcohol, exercising more, doing household chores and trying to be kind to myself. I must remain positive that by doing these things and by not gambling life will improve - delayed gratification I believe it's called - not that us compulsive gamblers know much about that!

Boss not at work today so should be a more relaxed atmosphere in the office.

No gambling today.

Well done on one whole week Paul,

Stay strong and keep going and keep winning,

Suzanne xx

Day 10

I think 10 days is the longest I've gone without gambling since the bet which triggered this awful period which I placed on 28th August. I was walking to football and the thought popped into my head about having a go on the FOBT. It came from nowhere but once the thought was there, on that particular day, there was no stopping me. I knew it was a bad idea but my pulse was raised and there was a spring in my step as the anticipation built up. I 'only' put 10 in the machine and doubled my money in 3 spins and I cashed in. However, that was the spark that saw me get progressively worse culminating in 100+ spins and a month's wages lost in an evening a few weeks down the line.

Today, I'm glad to be still gamble-free and that it's Friday! It's been a long old week, very up in down in my moods - mainly down. However, meal out tonight, counselling tomorrow and a day out somewhere on Sunday. I should be thankful because if I'd carried on gambling the black hole would have swallowed me up.

Got to keep going and give myself that 100% pay rise that abstaining from gambling will bring.

Paull

Fella it has been written upon these pages many times,that wins lead to addiction taking the upper hand,it breeds greed driving us to relentlessly punt on.

The result carnage

why?

The mantra whilst at it the same

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

fella for ten days you turned that upsidedown

You are again a WINNER

keep making that choice

abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Day 12

Closing in on two weeks now which I'm delighted about - I honestly couldn't see me getting that far.

Counselling session yesterday gave me a lot to think about. It's quite unsettling but ultimately helpful so fully intend to persevere. Tempted by a football bet yesterday but rose above it and distracted myself with other things.

Tried to work out my budget for the next few months, but found it too difficult. I just need to concentrate on not gambling for the next few months and barring any disasters debt/finance will take care of itself.

Wishing everyone a peaceful Sunday.

Day 13

Sailed very close to the wind yesterday. Managed to find a website that wasn't blocked on my laptop and I think if I'd had access to money that was my own (i.e not mine and girlfriend's saving) I would have succumbed. Luckily I came to my senses when I realised that the urge was born of frustration. Might have to try and get firmer blocks in place. I don't want to gamble but when life throws a curve ball I am very vulnerable.

Day 14

Very pleased to have got this far. If I'd continued gambling things could have been a lot worse right now.

I've made plenty of small positive steps since my last gamble and hopefully soon these things will start to reward me. It's all about being patient. 'Good things happen when I don't gamble' has been my mantra in the past and despite feeling very emotionally unstable I'm clinging on to that belief. It might not happen overnight but eventually things will get better.

Paul

Hi Paul,

Just checking in. Glad to see you are resisting temptation and staying strong mate. Stick with it, and other things will begin to fill the void that gambling once did - sometimes you have to think of things to do to occupy that void, other times once you are on the road to recovery other things naturally just fall into that space. Either way things will become easier as you put more distance between your old gambling self and your new recovering self, and with this the urges will lessen (that is how it worked for me anyway).

Best regards, and keep on with the recovery

FM.