Battling today with the demons

I know that Saturday night feeling ever so well. This is a habit and part of the battle, I think, is breaking the routine and habit gambling gives .... which is basically using up time that could be better used elsewhere. Remember, you cannot ever win as you cannot stop. That's what I keep telling myself when the urge hits.

Good luck.. One day at a time

I have drawn out all my cash from my accounts except for bills also downloaded K9 on all devices. Feeling a lot more positive. Did feel strange to get up and pick up computer but not search favourites for my bingo sites. Still getting lots of e mails offering bonuses but just ticking as junk. Wont say it didnt give me little hiccup in my head! waiting for my builders but not sure if they will turn up as horrible weather today, fingers crossed as have been looking forward to getting things done.

For years online slots have been my downfall but did go into a newly opened Arcade a few weeks ago. Spent a few hours in there but can honestly say did not like it at all. If someone was winning I always had one eye open thinking mmm what about me? felt disgruntled. Did luckily win my money back and its funny but when others congratulate you we forget to ommit the fact we have just put in a few hundred pounds and all we have gained is our money back and sat like a plonker pressing a button for the last few hours! hate to say it but when this lady had lost big, think we were all waiting for her to go so we could try and get her money!! turned me into not a very nice person! also when i was losing would resent the Cashier coming up behind me and watching. Almost felt she was bad luck for me and know thats irrational but then thats what gambling did to me. Would be wishing she would go away so then I would win? then when another member of staff took over the shift I started to win. Stupid as I am 58yrs old and a grown woman so what on earth was I thinking that certain people were lucky for me and others werent. So when I walked out of there had no inclination to go back. Felt embarrassed even leaving as opposite is a pub and you could see the drinkers sat outside knowing you had been gambling!

So felt secure when went back to my own house and online gambling but thankfully had wake up call when I saw how much money and time I was wasting. Determined and in right frame of mind to quit.

hope Bloated doesnt mind me copying the list thing but reakon it will help me so am sure wont mind!

I am grateful, the builders turned up, didnt spend all my money put by for household stuff, didnt gamble, came on here and read Bloated post, I feel healthy and upbeat.I have no urges.

Hi Break,

Thanks for dropping by.

On line slots eh , self destruction indeed, well done for not leaving an inch of cash on your card, I always just even now leave less than a tenner in after bills, because I can't deposit with less than a tenner, and to be honest, I would even now after over a year need around 200 to start with, a tenner does not interest me, and my addiction knows that, lol.

The triangle is a great tool,

You will have up and down days, and some days you will feel totally drained, don't worry it is part of the aftermath of gambling and part of the process of recovery.

Don't think too far ahead, take one day at a time with everything it's time to look after you now.

Yesterday has gone finished, tomorrow is not here yet, but today is make every one day count,

Keep strong and positive

Suzanne xxx

First day again of not gambling but pay day is not until 22nd so that's the one..riddled with guilt battling to save my relationship and deeply ashamed reading this forum every minute I get trying to get the message into my thick head -30 years of it..so want to change....Paul...

I have well and truly been presented with quite a few "trigger" points today!!! my neighbour has dementia and a very nasty temper and objected to building works going on. She has said some awful disgusting things in the past and its an ongoing thing with the local P.c.s. but it was worse today as I had my little grandchild with me. Then my daughter turned up and obviously had a few choice words to say to the lady. The neighbour from hell emerged (not your average old lady, sleeves of tattoos and gold teeth!!) but she wasnt a match for my daughter! wish I wasnt so laid back at times and polite, as my daughter finally shut the old lady up!! but feel so stressed. Would have reached for the laptop at this point and played online slots and most probably lost a lot of money as a result! anyway just waiting for P.c. to come out as I have a harrassment order against the neighbour. trying to chill a bit now and going to have an early night as feel wiped out.

WOW break, I had neighbours from hell to lol, they had 11 dogs next door 8 of them were kept in the garden in 2 outhouses,

They were greyhounds lovely dogs, but that many in a small garden right next to our windows, you can imagine, noise was ongoing 24/7 that was a big trigger for me, thankfully they sold up and moved out last August, but from April till August I had to change my mindset to it, my recovery was far more important than inconsiderate neighbours, (I do hope those dogs are living in better surroundings now)

We have many triggers to set us off down the self destruction route, there is no quick fix, concentrate on one, one at a time, change what you can and what you can't, turn it into a positive.

It's all a slow process don't try and run before you can walk lol, every day in recovery you will learn something new about yourself, and you will start to change negatives to mould in with your recovery. because you will slowly be changing inside.

One big step forward for me was actually being made redundant from a very demanding job, I now have a part time job with not many demands and not many stresses lol,it suits me and my recovery fine.

You are doing great, small steps one day at a time and look after you.

Suzanne xxx

Thank you Suzanne for your positive reply. Am waiting for P c to come out. Have been sat here fiddling with laptop as still seems like something missing! Bit agitated as do have urges so have come on here and give myself a good talking to. What a nightmare for you at the time, all that barking. I do not understand the mentality of some people and their total disregard for other people. So far this morning have got vacuum out and floor steamer so will be doing housework. Builders coming back to finish off. Neighbour will probs come out again but have phone ready to record her again. Went up town yesterday an met a gentleman with one leg in a wheelchair. I saw him three times around town, determined to get around but you could the effort it took as manual wheelchair. He came for a coffee an I was sat outside. He says "feel my muscles" on his arms. He was so cheerful it made me feel humble. It must be a challenge for him just to get up in the mornings so I thought to myself, surely I can have the willpower to not press a button on a machine! So he did inspire me to get a grip and be grateful for my "easy life" compared to his and take control of my life.

Grateful for being able to : walk, talk and function, the builders turning up, urges now going, feeling healthy, having support to turn to.

Mary

Hi Mary

Thanks for popping by, you are more than welcome, to be grateful. I find it helps me get the stuff that niggles me out of my system, when I do it properly, does take some mental effort to dig deep!

Good luck with your walk, one day at a time!

Thankfully things are finally being sorted ref my abusive neighbour! so I am grateful for:- caring professionals, my family and friends for their understanding, feeling stress free, not wanting to gamble.

woke up early and sun was shining so sat out in garden with my puppy, feeling very optimistic today but always little niggle in head that says something always crops up!!! so going to enjoy the moment. Was nice to see no change in bank account until daughter rings up and wants me to lend her money for 2 weeks lol. oh well I know she will pay it back and I do feel guilty that if I hadnt wasted all that money last week I could have given her the money! but mustnt focus on ifs buts and maybes. Had some sense knocked into me this morning, literally! as was trying to put up my washing rotary when one of the aluminium poles snapped and hit me in the head ouch that hurt. Have to stay in today and wait for deliveries of items I ordered when i had plenty of money in the bank! at least they are paid for. So probs be posting a few times to stop me thinking of that unmentionable word!! will be reading others posts as well as we all support each other in these times. Mary

Had good day in one respect but horrible urges from 4pm onwards. K9 stops access to the sights but it's up to me for willpower due to all those blooming e mails offering bonuses as it must flag up I haven't been on their site. Got my garden looking nice now but still problems with abusive neighbour as probs won't get sorted re mental health till next week but it's really getting me down and can do without that as dangerous for me 🙁

Off to bed now. Still got Wobblies about urges but keep reminding myself of what I have to gain. Hope everyone has another gamble free day Mary

Hi Mary

Keep up the good work, it really is hard ignoring those impulses, but we have to retrain our brains to react differently to stimuli and after a while hopefully get to the point where we have renewed our minds, and our actions/responses are more stand and fight than run and hide!

Good luck and keep fighting!