Battling today with the demons

Thank you bloated. Was tough time last night however it was this site that stopped me acting on anything. Before I joined felt I was not a good person and on my own if I wanted to stop. Last night was glad (don't want this to come across wrong) there are others who gambled but want to stop. Others who have those niggling urges "if I just play one more time I might win my money back" that was the biggest niggle last night but fought it as labelled it in my head as just one of the symptoms of this addiction that had to be stopped. So thank you gamcare for providing a support group on here as without it KNOW I would have gambled.

It's been hard day mentally. Urges won't go away. Have kept busy but evening worse now as usually one eye on laptop an other on telly. Been getting up early in mornings so that is good as before would be online till 4am then not getting up till 10am an still tired then do a few chores an back on laptop. I suppose it got to such a routine that it feels like a loss. Early night might be good

Off to bed as not liking myself very much as urges are annoying me and want to wake up tomorrow without them! Nite all to whose on here. Mary

Hi Mary

Maybe time to try that meeting you talked about going to

Dan

I know lol am still considering as I let myself down yesterday as had £10 left in an acct I don't use. It's not the value of the amount but as soon as I had put it on I was wishing to lose it as was so cross with myself. Thing is with I pads etc you can download google apps so K9 didn't help but have now excluded from all sites. I am a choosy person when it comes to gambling and hate a lot of sites so illogical as it may seem won't even bother with them. It was the emails from the sites I played on that finally tempted me so now excluded I have also put them as junk mail. I feel like a child at having to do these things but hopefully it will act as a barrier until I am stronger. Busy today as beautiful sunny day an my puppy woke me up at 6.30. Washing out then going out visiting. It was so nice last week to go an buy things for the garden an it has riled me that I wasted a tenner but scared me as remembered all that cash I spent a few weeks back an how easy it is to slip. Mary

Been reading one members diary from last year till now and has helped a lot. Such similar feelings, responses etc and now success for her. Makes me know I can be in a better place than where I am now. Shame they haven't got a like button here so person knows have read post but sometimes doesn't feel right to comment. Just a thought! Sat in garden admiring all the things I got last weekend. Thinking of all I could have got! If hadnt gambled I e new drive, ramp so my mum could visit, that's the worst guilt, denying her access because I gambled away the money. It is hard as my actions without their knowledge have affected their lives. The holidays I could have treated them too blah blah must stop feeling sorry for myself. Am going to take grandchildren to seaside in holidays an will be nice to treat them so must keep strong from now on. Am taking my parents out to dinner next week so all goals I need money for so another reason to keep my cash by. Mary

Hi Mary,

Don't beat yourself up too much, recovery can be trial and error at the start, I crashed time and time again and only stopped because I could not feed it anymore, it bled me dry and broke my heart because I could not play anymore how sick is that one.

I have said this a lot of times on here but it's true taking one day at a time and slowly but surely we do move forwards and upwards, the positive is you have learnt a good lesson from that tenner,

Keep strong, and stay safe and win,

Suzanne xxx

thank you Suzanne and appreciate your support. I am lucky enough I have money left and my bills get paid but I must have spent at least 9k in the past year. Daft thing is I won 8k about three months ago. Treated my daughters and family and bought a new car. Then what do I do? yep gambled at least 5k since then. Car cost me 5k plus if you count the other 4k I spent out of my pension savings, never gained anything so still a loser and it was this pure selfishness of gambling all that money that made me realise you never win in the end because they always get it back as it is a clever old thing this gambling thing as preys on the fact we never quit and always carry on. Felt more gutted by putting that tenner on than all that money though as was angry and disappointed with myself. But as so many things have happened in the past in my marriage that I blamed on my gambling, do realise now was just an excuse and I am the only one who can control my future. Gamble free day. Mary x

Off to bed as had nightcap (large Bailys lol) dont normally drink but just fancied a treat. Think I will sleep well tonight as have very productive day. Loved the sunshine and made sure was out in garden a lot as they say it releases happy hormones lol and need plenty of those as forecast heavy rain tomo :(. but have tiling to do so will keep busy staying in. Take care everyone on here Mary x

Hi Mary, thanks for dropping by and your lovely post. As Suzanne has said just take it a day at a time. You are aware of the mess I have gotten into and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it is far easier to face without the gut wrenching, sickening shame/guilt I had when gambling.
Have faced things I never should have had I never gambled and done some extremely shameful things, but I am starting to forgive myself and get some perspective back.
Don't be hard on yourself about your slight relapse it's just great you have continued to come on here.
Take care
Cheryl xxx

Hi Mary, you are doing great & you have to keep looking forwards & not back! We can't change what we did but as you rightly point out we are the ones to decide & we sure can have a better future! Mr Gamble is a sneaky so & so...The urges can strike out of nowhere & sometimes stay all day but they are only urges & you can (as you are proving) fight them a second at a time if need be! The tools we use in recovery can make us feel like irresponsible children but I'd take than anyway over the shame of gambling!

Have a lovely, happy day today & keep fighting - ODAAT

Than you Odaat. Always appreciate supportive posts. Had no urges today but has been strange day. Felt something was missing and felt a bit spaced out. Had planned to do some grouting etc but couldn't be bothered to do anything. Was so cold today an didn't go out except to take stepdad to hospital. Sort of in limbo at moment, neither happy or sad. Going to have nice bubble bath, bit of telly an bed. No thoughts of gambling even tho bit bored. So all good today. Take care Mary

Hi Mary,

Just dropping by to see how you are getting on. I love to see someone else breaking away from those dreaded bingo sites! Nobody ever wins. They just pour it all back in again. It is so addictive. They are designed by experts who know how our brains work and we are hooked after the first couple of goes. It is awful hard to break away from them. But it gets easier. You will never win. You will never have a penny. They wreck your head. Forget about progressive jackpots. Problem gambling is progressive. It will escalate. I am delighted you are getting out in time. You have to give up some time. It only gets worse. So fill your days with other things and you will get a string of non gambling days together. You will feel better. You will sleep better. The food you eat will taste better!! I was on those bingo sites for 8 hours at a time. Now I see how stupid they are. We say well done when someone else wins. That's not right! It is all part of making you feel part of something good but it takes over and suffocates us. You are on the right site this time. Sounds like you are self excluded from all the big sites and the small ones don't tempt you. I was the same. This will help you. Do everything in your power not to gamble. Treat yourself really well. This is so important. It is a vital part of recovery. Be kind to yourself. Think of xmas and how you will feel if you stay off gambling. You can do this!! Suzy

Hi Mary

Just wanted to add my best wishes to your recovery and it's ok to be bored, you have to learn to live with that and let something more healthy develop. That's my aim.

Blue x

Thank you Suzy and Blue. One wonders how you can be bored when so much to do! I used to love drawing an watercolours an even have all the stuff but not the enthusiasm but will get it out tonight as perhaps like gambling I can turn it into a nice addiction.

Am really low today as missing my ex an very tearful. I had a dream an I was back at our old home an he was on holiday with someone else.Not even sure why I am feeling nostalgic as I was unhappy majority of time due to his drinking an playing loud music an having drinking buddies round. Him embarrassing me as he upset everyone by the stupid things he would say. and the aggressiveness.His paranoia the next day when he was on a come down. Yes he worked hard an was on shifts so sometimes 6 days off in a row an I dreaded it. I very rarely drink so tried to explain he was on another Planet to me but when u are sloshed don't think u take it in! Life was him drinking on day off, then me waiting for him to head for bed so I could have some peace (yes bingo) me staying up till 4am as his snoring stopped me from sleeping then him waking up early an same. We never went anywhere so got into habit, me in lounge on bingo an him in his study or kitchen with some really low life company. But what niggles me is he has now joined gym an bought a car (he would never drive an I always had to). Oh must spit out that bitter pill Lol.

Aaa feeling much better now I read it back reminds me of why I divorced him! Can't afford to get maudlin as need to be upbeat to keep me gamble free. Sorry for rant but has helped my mood to lift. Take care Mary x