Battling today with the demons

Feeling tearful again but with real reason as just found out a lovely lady from USA who I made friends with through chat on an American bingo site an kept in touch with thro facebook, passed away. She had suffered for a long time an also lived way out in the sticks so to her the chat an bingo was a godsend but she was in control an many a time told me off as said "stick to your budget an you will enjoy the bingo as stand just as much chance of winning." Then we became friends on Facebook an we had so much more in common than bingo. She was a lovely lady an I miss her already. Really not my day today. Emotions all over the place. Think I need to go out for a while. Am a blubbering mess today but have been reading Sabines diary an has given me kick yo the a.

Be strong Mary & remember, gambling may tell you it's giving you an escape from this but all it is really doing is adding to your hurt so go for a walk, have a cry, keep busy! My sincere condolences for your loss!

& as for the ex...Sounds like pining for gambling - a complete waste of effort!

Chuffed your phone didn't go for a swim, you will get through this - ODAAT

Sorry to hear that, stay strong and go out,

Sending you a Big hug (((((((break)))))))

Suzanne xxx

thank you Odaat and i Wished for continued positive support (xx).

Had friends round on Friday afternoon and invited me out for a drink so went and and had nice time. When I got back worked out I had spent 25 pds. Thinking ooh thats a lot then reality check! that wouldnt even have been my deposit on one of the sites, more like £100 and there I am grumbling after having drinks, taxi home and my cigs for the evening. Silly billy.

On Sat my friends came round again and we sat out in garden in sunshine. I went to car boot in afternoon and babysat for my daughter in evening. She had really large dog and I have really tiny one lol and hers was in kitchen and mine in lounge, had to keep going back and forth to keep both happy as large dog has one hell of a bark! children no probs just the pets. So just got back and can honestly say didnt even think about gambling. Still niggles about ex as he has new girlfriend and daft thing is know I would be totally unhappy with him but think its "he was my property and I dont want to live in it but not happy about him renting it out" lol. and I have made up my mind dont want any new relationships as am genuinely happy with being single. Was in nightclub on Friday and this young lad asks me if he could have a dance later. Well earlier I had these young lads come up and grab me to dance but without blowing my own trumpet I do look glam still when I go out lol but surely these young men have plenty of young women they can give attention to! so I said "is this some sort of bet? so no" really sharply to this man and he replies"No, just thought you looked nice and wanted a dance" I turned round and said "look I shall make it easy for you, I have two artificial legs so no thank you!!" felt a bit tight afterwards as was really sharp with him. My daughters said "mum you are really attractive so of course they give you attention" but I think now I am due a 59th birthday although have been blessed with looking young all my life my confidence is waining and dont want to be taken for a fool. but suppose at my age should start storing all compliments for when I dont get any hehe.

Anyways no gambling thoughts so really happy with myself at moment but not forgetting to take each day at a time as my moods do alter all the time. Hope everyone having good day take care Mary xx

Good day. Had lovely roast dinner at daughters. Yum. Catching up with soaps then nice bath. Nuisance neighbour nice an quiet when I was out in garden so not feeling stressed. No urges to gamble today's. Take care all. mary

Well what a depressing day.?rain forecast all day Yuk. Dangerous weather for me as would normally retreat to my lappy for the day an play online. Woke up with a cold an sneezes an that would have been another reason. Not today though. Seeing daughter who is down from Big City. Think she is staying tonight's. Can't believe how ashamed it makes me feel when she was here an I would have my lappy on whilst we were trying to watch a movie. Am feeling bit sorry for myself today but that is pure self indulgence. So not going to give in to it. Take care all Mary

Took daughter out for treat at Harvesters. Cost £30. When I think I used to put 100 after 100 on just for a few hours staring at a laptop an flashing lights, makes me question my I.Q! Feel so much better about myself. Gamble free day. Take care all Mary

Can't sleep. Keep thinking. Remember when I was with my ex an miserable would go to bed dreaming that I won the lottery. Could get out of debt, could get out of marriages. Could gamble till my hearts content. Blamed everything on ex when in hind sight yes he did make me unhappy but he did not force me to gamble as I started gambling even when I was happy. I made my own life more stressful by gambling. Spending mine an his on slots. Thought only way out was to have a big win or that lottery dream. Then one day I realised I was going to leave. Had no money but best thing I did. Stayed at daughters an yes carried on gambling but not so much. When I did get money from house an pensions thought it would make me happy. But strange as it was a responsibility as a gambler, knowing money in the bank, that stressed me out. Had that 8k win but Glad I lost in the end as think I would be gambling still. Always thinking if I won big it would solve my problems. But now I feel more in control. Have my little puppy an my own place an no room for gambling. Always blamed every little upset or relationships etcetc as excuse to gamble. Now I need to learn to cope with life's ups an downs an seek support from family an friends an not from a bingo site.

Gamble free day. Old friend came round so good to catch up. Daughter coming for tea before going back to London. It's good feeling I am no longer "resenting or working round" my gambling to see friends an family. Still have sad moments an not sure why. Take care Mary

Thanks for the comment, the chillie was good and enjoyed by my family.

Found your post about the harvester meal interesting, it is easy for us to lose the real value of money, I am just beginning to relearn it and am amazed at how far I can stretch £100.

Thank you again

Keep up the good work, stay focused and make the correct choice

Thank you Luke. Am off to wildlife park with Playgroup and daughter tomo. But taking my parents out to The Real China tonight. Probs spend about 35 but thats nothing and even if I spent a 100 this week it still is just a snippet compared to what I was spending online. But gained so much more from spending on family as nice treat for us all and makes everyone feel wanted, and loved. Will take grandchildren somewhere next week as half term. Before I would be more interested in playing my bingo and slots.

Wont say I havent thought about them slots today, as that would be lieing. Little niggles keep surfacing but dont intend to act upon them. Have to finish grouting my bathroom tiles today so pushing myself to get off my b**t and get on with them lol.I do feel thankful that I stopped when I did as reakon I would have spent all my pension savings and remind myself how depressed I would have been. Have got over the guilt of what I spent before as know no point and looking forward to saving towards my holiday abroad in Oct. take care all Mary

Keep up the good work, I am pleased that you find joy spending money on your loved ones and not a gambling habit.

It is so so easy to lose the real value of money, and I think a really important part of recovery is finding that again.

Keep up the good work and enjoy Real China

I completely understand where you're coming from with regards to the money. In real life, I'm quite frugal, I don't like to spend money on things unless I need to. Even when I do buy things online I look for the best deals and then look for money off vouchers! But the other day i needed some new jeans and felt bad that I had spent £45 on 2 new pairs! Which is actually quite cheap for jeans! But then I could deposit well over £100 on gambling! £45 for a gamble was fairly common. Looking back over my bank account really hits home how warped my mind was to be that way. Never again.

Stay positive.

Thank you Luke an clintonday. Enjoyed my meal. Yum. I love car boots also always got the bargains an also used to make a good sum of money selling it online. But any money I got I used to spend online bingo. Everyone used to comment how good I was at making money, if only they knew how futile that was as had to get extra money to cover spending.

Was under lot of stress earlier as nightmare neighbour became abusive again. Was over my fence waving a pair of shears about at me. Ongoing saga an police trying their best but after thoughts went through my head to somehow gamble to cope with stress. But haven't and had coffee an ciggy instead an spoke to my daughters an got worries out that way. So feeling lot stronger as stress has always been a big trigger for me. Hope all stay strong take care Mary

Thank you Luke an clintonday. Enjoyed my meal. Yum. I love car boots also always got the bargains an also used to make a good sum of money selling it online. But any money I got I used to spend online bingo. Everyone used to comment how good I was at making money, if only they knew how futile that was as had to get extra money to cover spending.

Was under lot of stress earlier as nightmare neighbour became abusive again. Was over my fence waving a pair of shears about at me. Ongoing saga an police trying their best but after thoughts went through my head to somehow gamble to cope with stress. But haven't and had coffee an ciggy instead an spoke to my daughters an got worries out that way. So feeling lot stronger as stress has always been a big trigger for me. Hope all stay strong take care Mary