Battling today with the demons

Relapse. So true about non gamblers not understanding an yes having this site with like minded people fighting the same cause makes recovery rates much higher than trying to do it without support. Many a time as those urges have surfaced I come on here an read diaries an it kick starts my recovery again. Here's to staying strong Mary

took my daughter for all day breakfast this morning. Cost £17 which is all you can eat buffet and drinks for two. That amount would not have made a dent in my "G" world. Mininum depo would be £35 on a US site or £50 on U K. Feel in a bit of an inbetween place, not here or there. "G" still features in my thoughts from time to time but seem to get through the day without giving in but am a bit numb about life at the moment.

Yesterday went to visit my mum and stepdad. Found the old albums and put copies on site lol. daughters tearing their hair out as they thought they looked dreadful but I still remembered them as cute lol. Found pictures of me at 20 and just wish I had been more sensible then as was married with our own house yet was so young to have the responsibilities and thats about the time started going to Bingo with my friend then laters the Arcades. Oh in hind sight eh? though no point looking back as cant take time back can only live for now but doesnt stop the ifs and buts and maybes creeping in.

But trying really hard this time to get rid of one of my past failures, Mr "G". Can tell it wont be easy but hoping time will be a healer. take care Mary

Hi Mary,

I can relate to your feelings and emotions at this stage in your recovery, it's part of the process of learning about our real selves, please take and use all of these different feelings and emotions as a big POSITIVE to strengthen your recovery journey,

You are doing just fine, well done.

Suzanne xxx

Woke up to howling winds and rain yuk. Had to put my parosol back up as fallen over but silly me left it up so think its broken. Even my plants had been ripped out of their holders. So been out repairing but considering strength of winds last night feel lucky. Found my puppy hiding behind chair as let her out but she came back in almost immediately and then peed on lounge floor and she has been housetrained (or so I thought lol). Roll on the heatwave.....Weds. Taking my mum and daughter up town for lunch. Enjoying all this eating out lol. Probs spending £25 tops per week but getting so much out of it.

Used to wait till midnight for my monies to go in so I could spend online bingo then stay up till 4am. Then when I got my pension monies time wasnt an issue, just spent spent and spent! know if I went back to "G" would be purely selfish of me as "G" does not need to be part of my life and is a selfish action only I can choose not to go back to and think thats why it is a scary thought as my responsibility and mine alone. What if I had a little flutter now and then? thats a constant niggle in my head but then I have to remind myself that No I cant be a part time "G", I know myself inside out and thats not a possibility as something irrational takes over so for me its not really about the triggers as I used them as an excuse it comes down to willpower. Hate having to decide not to gamble as enjoyed the occasional highs and yes it was something to do. But I am a grown adult and know we cant always have what we want. We take sweets away from a child to stop them being sick, so I am removing "G" for my own sanity. take care all Mary

Morning Mary thanks for popping by last night. I'm still feeling a bit yucky but nothing to serious. The winds where crazy last night I had to go down and tie the "kids" trampoline up before it blew away. I know what you mean about waiting for your money to go in at midnight I used to do the same with my wages.

Enjoy your lunch today

Went to town with daughter an had another cooked breakfast lol. Sets you up for the day! Treated grandkids to some new clothes. Then retrieved a lot of stuff that was in my ex loft but unfortunately he had got rid of a lot of stuff that was sentimental to me. Selfish or what! So felt very upset and stressed but weirdly didn't have any urges to head for the lappy like I used to. No urges today at all so pleased.

Going to watch my grandson at school tomo then taking puppy to get her nails clipped. Honestly like having a baby still. Take care all Mary

No urges at all today. Feel much better in myself. Those up and down moods are getting less each day. Take care all Mary

Internet playing up but no urges so all good. At friends so good signal. Am happy in self.

Went out last night. Had good time an met someone but from what I can gather he likes a bet now an then. So being wary until I know whether it is an occasional thing or something serious as last thing I want is a gambler as a partner! As I am doing really well an don't feel like there is a void there anymore to be filled. It's as though there was a crack before that has now closed over and just living a normal daily life but without Mr "G"

just a quick check in whilst got a signal! changing providers so hope from 20th June I can get online all the time. Doing well and no urges. Not complacent as know will have stress ful days where they probs will resurface but not focusing on that as none now and life is just carrying on. Dont bother checking my bank balances as know it wont be any different so nice feeling. The positive feelings could be to do with sitting out in the sunshine when possible. Came into my house the other day and was hit by the heat, felt guilty I had left my puppy in the house but windows were open in lounge. Looks down on lounge floor and see Remote control for my Dyson heater. Turns out the puppy had got hold of it and turned heating on!!

Went to daughters BBQ yesterday an took puppy. Turns out she can swim really really well as put her in large pool and she loved it. Sorry to pipe on about the puppy so much but without her life would not be so fulfilling. When I went out the other evening so nice to come back to this lively loving dog. Doesnt demand much just love and food! take care all an another sunny day and "G" free

Still going strong. No urges at all but know can be triggered so always on guard duty! havent been having much success with internet here, off and on!! been out an about socialising. Even went out partying! still been treating family and bought daughter Silver Pandora ring today after we went out for a meal with my parents but will have to pull my horns in as savings will be going down not up, but is a great pleasure to see their faces. Am content with life and happy. Will post and keep in touch with others once internet sorted out as always expecting it to go down!! lol. take care all and keep "G" at bay x

That is a really great post. So positive. Thanks for sharing.

Yes lovely positive post Mary, you are creeping up to 50 days now, a good solid milestone to reach.

Be very proud, because it's not always an easy journey, but it sure is worth it.

Suzanne xxx

All well an still no "G" in my life. Was my birthday yesterday so some nice treats, flowers, gifts, tea out. 50 days. Would like to post on others and will try but until got new internet it goes on and off so blooming nuisance. take care all Mary

Hi Mary,

Well done to you on 50 days! They were tough days but you were strong and didn't get dragged back in. You can do this! I am delighted you are saying no to gambling and yes to so many other things. Keep starving that "G" word and you will get stronger and the urges will get weaker. Oh and a Happy Birthday to you! Suzy