Be positive, be happy

Day 23

Had a few good days recently. I have joined a gym a few weeks ago and had 4 sessions now. I resisted for years and am not a major fan, but hopefully I'll get some health benefit and the muscles will stop aching after a few more sessions of getting used to the equipment!

I had a really good last weekend, doing plenty of useful things. This week, work has got more interesting and I'm more focussed and motivated.

I have also been reading a self help book on meditation and relaxation that I have had for years. It's called : - The Fine Arts of Relaxation, Concentration, and Meditation: Ancient Skills for Modern Minds (quite a mouthful) by Joel Levey. It's brilliant and I can't understand why I've gone years on end without reading and practicing the techniques advised.

Onwards and upwards, gamble free.

Oh dear oh dear oh dear. 

Here were are again. Gamble free for 10 months or so and now about £20k lost in the last month.

I have just read my opening post on this thread and wish I had come on here and read it before opening another account.

Last year I had a 'nervous breakdown' in November - I just couldn't operate -off work for over a month and sought therapy from my Dr and also a psychologist, partly because of the after affects of losing money, but also losing my Dad earlier in the year. Depression kicked in over a few months. I worked so hard to get well, then when I was 'back', I reverted to type, just a few bets - to win back some of last year's losses etc. 

Well, I have done similar to last year, only bigger numbers - just crazy losses. I'm furious with one gambling institution for allowing me to deposit so much and so frequently in binges (I admit I didn't set limits) to waste away. Yes, I knew what I was doing, but I feel exploited. They need better intervention procedures - cap deposits/bets where they clearly see a punter is out of control - their systems will give indicators. I am thinking of taking legal action, but would probably be laughed out of court.

Hopefully I won't take a dive like last year, but I'm not convinced.

Anyway, enough of the self pity. Love and peace to all of you guys.

Angry today and so disappointed in myself. How could I blow £20k in a couple of weeks and effectively £35k in 15 months? Basically I have worked the last 15 months for net earnings of just £1,000!? Crazy, crazy. 

If I had to tell that to the me in April 2019, I would have had punched my own lights out.

Anyway, the damage has been done. I'm trying to stay strong and not let this get me too far down. But all the plans I made in the winter - happily quit gambling and putting the money aside for this or that - all gone out of the window. It's hard to remember how ill I was at the time, but I have badly let that vulnerable version of me down.

In the grand scale of things, I am loads more fortunate than so many other people. Just cursed with a gambling addiction. Gambling addicts should never ever gamble again...EVER. I've quit about 6 times, but always been found out. I am going to severely limit my access to funds going forward. But I've self excluded anyway, so that's good.

In a way I feel sorry for myself, in that I haven't lost that quantity of money deliberately, it just happened in several blurs, which I failed to control. Bad luck? I don't think so - the addict keeps on winning until they lose - inevitable. How many hard lessons do we need to learn?

Hi detrimental. Is there anything else you could do different this time ? GA? I'm finding sitting in a room of people who are compulsive gamblers who you don't have to explain yourself to is so humbling I'm really getting a lot out of it . I'm looking at GA as the heart of my recovery.

Posted by: Charlieboy

Hi detrimental. Is there anything else you could do different this time ? GA? I'm finding sitting in a room of people who are compulsive gamblers who you don't have to explain yourself to is so humbling I'm really getting a lot out of it . I'm looking at GA as the heart of my recovery.

Thanks for the post Charlieboy - much appreciated & I hope things continue well for you.

I have spoken with many CGs over the years plus strangers, friends & professionals. I find it difficult to talk about my addiction to be honest, because when I do logic always makes me feel stupid and weak. It's really hard to explain, when someone asks me why.

I knew one guy who went to prison for embezzling money from his employer. He was a pub manager and a really nice lad. He went to GA after a short spell inside (seen far worse get community service in the press). He was full of remorse and said he wouldn't dream of gambling again etc. Anyway, I hadn't seen him for 5 years or so and then one day, he's in the corner of a bookmakers writing out a betting slip with cash in his hand. That made me feel sick and of course he knew I was a CG too, so we kind of looked at each other and looked away, both embarrassed. But I was shocked that he could do this after all he (and his family) had gone through. I hear too many stories of people doing similar to make GA a comfortable option for me.

What I am going to do differently is an interesting point. I have self excluded (again). But I think it's access to relatively large amounts of money that could be an issue. I still have this and need to move it away into proper investments and/or to my wife's own bank a/c. 

I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that I have spent ALL my salary on gambling over the last 12 months - probably in 40 or so active gambling days during this period. It is so against the grain in some ways i.e. the non-gambling days/periods, but it did happen. I have woken up every morning over the last few weeks and winced or rolled my eyes that what happened was not just a bad dream. On the bright side, I am feeling quite well and happy, plus resolute. I'm getting my head down and earning the losses back....not chasing - ever again.

I'm not going to count days on this thread, but it's been a couple of weeks now gamble free. Nothing new for me. I can stop with relative ease. It's the starting again which has always been the issue.

Anyway, last night I had the most peculiar vivid dream. I was being chased by some animals - they were sort of like hippos - big heavy things. In the dream I was scared, but I managed to outrun/outsmart them. When I got free I ran up a small hill and turned around to see another animal pursuing me. It turned out to be a coyote (I didn't know this in the dream - I knew it was wilder than a dog, so I was thinking dingo etc. and looked at pics online this morning until I saw one of a young coyote, which fit exactly the description of the animal in the dream. Anyway, the coyote was shaking as it approached and looked wary. I was also wary in the dream, but then said 'come on' and ran on (presumably it will have followed, but that's all I remember before I woke up). 

I looked up a coyote as a dream animal and came across a site which explained how they could be spirit animals. When I read their symbolism and significance, I was astonished. It summed up my situation in life, my personality and issues perfectly. So there we have it, I now have a young coyote as my animal spirit guide. I hope that we can nurture each other over the coming years and achieve maturity and comfort together. OK so I'm 51, but young for my age!!!

Tough week so far. A few difficult issues at work, but mainly I'm down on myself about this year's losses.

My wife filled our diesel car with petrol last night and I nearly lost it. Luckily we were insured via breakdown cover which encompasses misfuelling. But I know it was me that I was furious with, not her for an innocent mistake. Luckily I kept my anger contained. 

I reckon I need 8-10 months of head down and working in order to let this mess fade into obscurity. Luckily my son's football season has just started, so that will keep me occupied at weekends and there's a decent social aspect to it. I need to make more of an effort with my wife though. For some reason I sometimes blame her for being so lax (when she knows I'm a CG) at checking account balances etc., when I have clearly manipulated her over the years, lied 100s of times and so on. It's 100% my fault not hers, but sometimes it's too easy to convince yourself otherwise.

One day at a time.

Hi detrimental. I think the anger of blaming someone else is easier to deal with than the self loathing of ourselves. But the massive difference is ,is that you know what you do , you admit it and you think before you get angry. That's part of the recovery process isn't it. I'm more than 3months now without gambling I'm happier calmer more stable, I  still am angry with myself for my actions but it's getting less as I'm trying my hardest to recover and make amends

Hi Charlieboy

Thanks again for popping by.

I'm wondering if part of the pain and suffering of the relapses is part of the addiction, sort of like a financial self flagellation. 

3 months for you is fantastic and you have certainly broken the back of it. But always watch for trigger points. For me, late Spring always gives me a surge of optimism which leads to misplaced belief that I can wager and  beat them this time. And I often do for a while, before......crash!

We all really need to be prepared going forward and determined. 

Stressed today & agitated. Only 3 of us in the office, so doing my best to look cheerful enough and keeping my head down. Can't really concentrate on work properly. Just every time I think about losing £20k in a couple of weeks, I think.....£20k......actually £20k. It's a massive amount, just massive. I'm so cross with myself and I smashed up my 1-4 year plan that I set out for myself last December. At the time, I was literally doing my best to cope with life on a day at a time basis and it took me a lot of courage to commit to a financial plan. That's now out of the window. Grrrrr!!

I just replied on my diary to you said that I hope you are doing well, then I just read the above post. You're not doing so good , it is very hard to put things behind you and I obviously still get times when what I've done bites me in the a...e. But I suppose with never becoming complacent comes times when we are reminded and that is a tool to use to stay strong and committed to recovery. When was your last gamble? I understand if you don't want to share,but I think being honest with others and ourselves is the backbone of recovery. So is leaving the loses behind. Dig deep today it's just another day. Tomorrow will bring different things your way

24 days ago now Charlieboy. I've been over my bank statements today and now know I've lost £21,500 this year - slightly more than I thought. I have no intention whatsover of trying to chase this and in nay case, it would be almost impossible.

I have needed to dig deep today and I've had a better afternoon. I re-read my opening post on this diary thread from last September and I can't believe what I have done this year after all the hard work with gambling addiction and mental health issues (depression/anxiety) at the back end of last year. It's just so hard to accept that I could repeat what I did, but with a far worse financial result.  It's like serious self-harm, which reached further than just me - my wife & 3 children also suffer, as there's less money for them to enjoy.

Anyway, I'm fed up of whining on here today.

Hey you're not whining. 24days is good just try turn how you're feeling and thinking today into determination. You're having a real "Debbie downer" today and that's ok .

A year on from the opening post on this diary thread and one big positive is that last year's losses are now over 12 months behind me, so written off and a clean slate. I would have loved to have come on here with a year free gambling to celebrate, but sadly that wasn't to be.

It's this year's '21,500 reasons why...oh why oh why' that now have to be seen over the hills and far away.

Keeping positive and can manage half a smile!!

Smile , laugh, be positive keep going. (Full smile please)!! You can do it, if I can get my head around being gamble free I'm sure you can !!( My brain is full of clouds most of time) lol. Be kind to yourself