Today is my day 1.
Yesterday I tried another vain attempt to recover some damage to an ever widening hole.. But as usual it failed. The latest debts are piling up and are totally unmanageable. I want to change and I must change.
I'm 32 and have been a compulsive gambler ever since I was 17. I know a lot of people like to put estimates on how much they've lost during their years gambling but I couldn't even come close to guessing, I do know that since 2013 though I've racked up unsecured debt of just under 35k through a comibnation of the worst loans and interest rates you've ever seen, not to mention the usual borrowing and begging from family, friends and my beautiful girlfriend. Gambling has made me ill, it's made me hurt the people I love and it's most definitely stopped me fulfilling any potential I may have once had in regards to my career.
I've been here a million times before but today something genuinely feels different. Complete honesty (and not 90% of the truth) is the only way I can start to tackle this illness. I am going to lose everything that I care about unless I reveal all these secrets and give people the whole ugly truth, however embarassed/ashamed it will make me feel.
Over the past few nights I have laid awake all night.. slowly adding to a warts and all letter that today I finally plucked up the courage to give to my incredible girlfriend. I share this letter with you below. It's a little long but I hope that some of you reading can find parts you relate to and find the courage to start to talking to the people who love you can help.
Along with sending this letter and a committment to come totally 'clean', I am also booked onto a group counselling session which starts at the beginning of September and as before will try and utilise all the help that is currently out there.
Thank you for reading guys.. I wish you all the best in your recoveries.
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To my love,
I have decided to start writing this at just after 3am on Sunday 20th August.
I’m not sure when I’ll give it to you, and I wish I could talk face to face instead of putting this on paper, but I feel that writing this letter is the only way I’ll start saying what I need to because every day I say ‘you must tell her what’s happening in your head/life’ but I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s always 90% of the story with me and I can’t do that to you anymore. I look at your face and I’ve never felt so lucky; you are the most beautiful, sweet and caring friend/girlfriend I will ever have.
I am so scared that by telling you the truth that you won’t want to marry me or be in relationship with me but I’m starting to realise that if I don’t tell you everything, that I can never recover from all the problems I’ve created and what is essentially a constant uphill battle or put even harsher.. a constant lie. There is no way I can recover, unless I’m completely honest - even if that risks losing everything we have which is obviously the biggest fear in my life and what keeps me awake most nights.
Plus, if I can’t tell the one person I love more than anything in the world.. what chance do I have of getting truly better? I have my counselling with Gamcare coming up and will be able to tell other people going through the same, so why can’t I tell you? It needs to start with the person who can support me the most.
When I lost all my wages at the start of the year I had a great chance to tell you everything about some other money owed at the time and how much I’ve struggled ever since I was 17 and been a compulsive gambler. But as we got deeper into it and I hurt you more and more, I just couldn’t do it. I feared that by putting everything on the table you would walk away, not to mention my shame and embarrassment at the crazy lengths I will go to gamble. In my head I say to myself, why didn’t you just be 100% honest but I think the real reason is because I hate what people will think when I tell them. I like people to think I’m an OK guy and I think deep down I am. I just think I do horrible things because I have an addiction that I’ve never properly confronted with 100% honesty/effort. Or when I have, I’ve let my guard slip and told myself I’m stronger than I am.
Anyway.. it’s 6-7 months later and the huge hole I’m in is 20 times worse and I hate myself for not telling you everything then but I want to believe it’s still not too late. Today is better than tomorrow and so on. Over the last few months I’ve constantly said I can’t tell her now or I don’t want to ruin this or that but the truth is whenever I tell you it will hurt horrendously and it will be the bottom of the pit for me and also where I’ve dragged you down with me.
I know what gambling has done to me and I know in my own head that when I start, I lose all control. I will do anything or say anything to get more money. I know how powerful the addiction is and if other people think I’m pathetic or a loser, I just need to accept it. I know that if I’m tempted, it’s game over.. Win or lose it doesn’t matter as it just sparks a side of me that I absolutely hate but a side of me I know is always going to be there. I’ve tried to understand where this comes from and still have no idea but will keep trying.
I want you to know that this side of me is not the real me and all the amazing times we’ve had together isn’t with some horrible hidden monster. I think that’s why I have so much trouble telling the truth to you and others because I know this behaviour isn’t the real me. I can compartmentalise the craziness and just try and live my life dodging the money issues and binges/problems I end up having, but I know can’t dodge these forever if I want to completely recover and someday be free of all this. And dodging the whole truth for another 'x' amount of years is only going to mean more hurt for you in the long run if we ever lost a house or our marriage as a result.
I love you so much and the thought of more tears rolling down your face as you read this letter makes me so ashamed. I want you to know that I will do anything, tell you every single thing you can bare to hear and invest all the energy I have inside me to change. If I tell you everything and you want to walk away from me, I will understand but like I said earlier I will fight to win you back and the whole truth is the only chance I’ll ever get to makes things right.
I realise there’s no more hiding days like this.. I can’t keep sweeping stuff under the carpet! The main reason I have not been honest is because I’m so worried you’ll walk away and if that does happen, I don’t know what I’ll do without you but you deserve to know the truth because you are the closest I’ve ever been to anyone.
On Sunday morning I lay in our bed totally numb, wanting to hug you and wanting to tell you how ashamed I was over what I’d done in the hours before. I didn’t want to sleep because I didn’t want to wake up and realise that I’d made my hole even bigger, once again.
As I said above this addiction makes me a complete monster but it’s not the real me. I don’t eat, sleep or even want to be my usual tidy self when gambling has its hold on me! I can’t even make you smile or hold a decent conversation. I turn into something I genuinely don’t believe I am and that’s why I want you to know that I believe if I’m totally honest with you about all my struggles/failures that there’s no reason I cannot be the person you deserve.
I love you. I hope that once we sit down and talk, I can still call you my fiancГ© and that this will be the day that changes my life forever.
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Hi Mr Honest, welcome to the forum buddy.
You've come to exactly the right place to begin your recovery.
There are so many people, including myself, like you and in similar situations to yourself.
The most important thing to realise firstly is that you are not on your own with this!
It's good that you've plucked up the courage to tell your finacee about all the problems you've been having and that you've made decent inroads into tackling your sitation with the counselling etc.
The money you've lost previously is gone now. That isn't coming back.
BUT you can and must control the future. That's all that matters now.
Try to fill your day/night with as many things as possible to stop you from thinking about gambling.
I'm currently 7 days gamble free and I've got myself back into running and watching films again.
The urges will always be there but gradually I'm able to handle them a lot better than a week ago.
You don't need gambling in your life. The loss of appetite, the sleepless nights, the constant worry, the destructive lows....all for what? A sparse 'high' moment that will quickly be followed by more destructive lows, sleepless nights etc....
We can never win because even if we do claw back some of the damage, we ALWAYS try and push our luck to try and make it even better....and boom, we're even worse off! It's just not worth it.
Keep us posted on your progress, Mr Honest and I'm sure you'll get plenty of encouragement/advice from the great group of people on here.
Take care, Moorey
Hi Moorey..
Thanks for taking the time to reply to my first post! It's good to know that I'm not alone but at the same time it's horrible that so many people have been brought to their knees by gambling addiction. Those nights of laying there in my bed, feeling so sick and worried.. I know the pain all too well.
I will try to keep everyone posted about my progress.. The road will be such a long and tricky one but the journey must start somewhere and I want it to be today.
Thanks.
Well put Mrhonest. Ah - those nights when I couldn't sleep - the anxiety - the stress - the unhappyness. The "I've done it again" guilt/annoyance. I do not miss them at all. At all.
All the best with your recovery!
Thanks TulsiT! Sounds like you are making great strides in your recovery so far and I hope I can get to 100+ days in a few months time. Hopefully they'll be plenty of decent sleeps along the way.
Hi Mr H and welcome .
Can I first congratulate you on starting your gamble free time with total honesty , I truly believe that it's the only way forward iorder to fight this addiction which thrives on lies and deceit , and if you open up and confess all and back that up with total transparency to your partner then it has nowhere to hide .
I hope that you can find away through this with your partner and that you can support each other and I look forwrd to reading of your continuing story .
Anything we do begins with that first step and you have just taken a huge one :))
Best wishes for now
Alan
Thanks Alan.
I really appreciate your kind words and support. I'm glad I've begun sharing my recovery on the forum and do agree that total transparency is the way to go. If you truly have no more secrets to hide you have no reason for not picking up the phone or crying out for help when you feel an urge/itch.
I just hope the people around me can learn to live (maybe not forgive..) the crazy things I've done. Time will tell!
Hi mr honest
It's great how honest you've been with those close to you and will help when your struggling or feeling low as you will have a great support system there! I wish you the best for your recovery, and know that there are plenty of people here that will provide encouragement and support throughout your journey.
Athena
Thanks Athena! It was good to put a big 'X' through day 1.. I've printed a wall chart with 1-100 to see how far I can get and I'm going to keep updating this online diary as much as possible.
Was a pretty horrible yesterday evening going through all the details with my partner. I think at times it all became too much for her as she worries about our future if this keeps happening. As you'd expect, it's hard for her to believe this won't happen again having been in this situation before but this was the first time I've been honest about EVERYTHING.
When you sit and list your actions (not to mention the figures) in the cold light of day it's hard to comprehend we sink so low?
Thanks for listening.
Hi again :)).
Take my advice and instead of coming here as "much as possible " , log on everday and just read some diary's for a while ? It's a great distraction particularly in the early day's and keep's thing's quite raw and real , I used to be here posting probably 6 to 10 times a day when I first quit it's coming up for 2 yrs now so something must have worked :)) .
Ity's never a nice moment sharing our " Dirty little secret's " with our loved ones and I remember that conversation well but your giving yourself the very best chance of success :))
Take care Bud :))
Thanks Alan, I'll make sure I keep investing time in the website..
Having read through some of your old posts it's amazing to see the recovery you have made so congratulations! Knowing that other people have been as low as me and then not bet for 2 years is amazing and makes me very jealous. As I said to my partner last night, I wish I got fast forward time to being 50 days gamble free or something that seems a little more encouraging but I do appreciate it's one step at a time.
I guess the odd thing for me is that for the last 6 months or so, I've kept saying to myself that my compulsive gambling was because I had to! I had something to pay for immeniently or huge debts were piling up.. Now my money issues are all out in the open and there's no need to chase it's different but I'm sure the urges/temptation are still lurking somewhere in the future.
Anyway.. day 2 going well. Thanks for listening.
Early days I find are the hardest mr honest (not that any of them are easy). Have the confidence that you can get to the 100 and beyond that for the rest of your life being gamble free! I have every faith that you can!
Athena
Thanks Athena! I'm going to give it everything I've got..
In a strange way, I worry more about when I'm a bit further down the road. At the moment I'm so relieved to have shared what I was going through that I don't see it being hard the next few days/week. Just be great to sleep another night not tossing and turning and waking up and thinking 'oh s**t, that did happen.. I've got to tell somone'
Reading through your diary and relating to what you say, it's drifting back into gambling as a result of boredom which scares me! I must make sure that a bit further down the road I'm keeping myself busy. I will not let this happen again!!
Thanks for reading.
Day 3 complete.
Well.. it will be in another 1 hour and 15 minutes and I'll cross it off on my wallchart. Can't help but be so jealous of those people sitting at 100+ days or even more. It seems so far away!!
Today was hard and not at all for me weirdly. What's happened (and the numbers involved/lying etc.) have today finally hit home to my partner. When I told her at the beginning of the week I found it odd that she didn't break down in tears as she had done previously.
However, a few days later it's really caught up with her and who can blame her. I think the initial news just left her feeling really flat and dissapointed - not angry like she has been previously. As we seem such a strong unit to people on the outside, she has mentioned today that she feels like a fake and that people on the outside don't recognise that my compulsive gambling is actually preventing her/us doing all the things we want to; wedding, house, kids.
I just hope I can prove in time that I want all the things she wants and that by being totally transparent about EVERYTHING we can still get to that place.
Thankfully by the end of the day she's feeling a little better after sharing what's happened with a close friend and also after all the latest blockers / barriers have been implemented. I really would find it difficult to gamble, even if I wanted to and thankfully at the end of day 3 I can't think of anything I want less.
Staying strong and looking forward to the bank holiday.
Have a good one everybody. x
Hi Deano,
Really great advice and reminds of me that quote.. "it's not the destination that is important but the journey"
I really must make sure I start tackling the reasons why I've gambled previously, not to mention start filling my time with people I love or finding some new hobbies. I've always liked playing cricket, football and tennis and that part of me has just completely dissapeared over the years.
I would like to get fit and start going to the gym but I've got a bit of a slender frame and I've always been put off going by fear of being laughed out of the place when I try and lift a weight but I realise now I've got to get over stuff like that and my insecurity is one of the reasons I've gambled.
Thanks for your message, some top advice.
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