Being honest with who I am and what I've done..

By pouring all that out on here you truly want to stop, like everyone says the early days are the hardest, and casinos dont want you gone, when you stop all the free spin emails and messages will come in, delete them straight away. Choose life, because gambling wants to f yours up, it nearly got me, well it did and has for a good few years with debts and stuff but they will pass. But all those mad crazy deposits, im only 2 weeks in and the gambling demon has been in my head a good few times but im resisting and I can beat this. Good Luck.

Hi Mr Honest, well done on coming here, and being open with your fiancГ©e. Has she now got control of your finances, that may give her more confidence? I know many people hand finances over, receive pocket money and produce receipts...it seems to work.

Reading your letter, twice you stated 'it's not the real me'. I would disagree. I think that our compulsive gambling is an expression of a deep seated need or feeling that we have....it is very much part of us. I think putting the gambling down is only the start of the journey of self discovery. I think that as the discovery starts, relationships change....some become stronger, some are blown apart. It's a risk, but if we want to be authentic, it is a risk that has to be taken. Just my opinion. Best wishes.

Day 7.

As the bank holiday draws to an end, so does a week of being gamble free and I'm feeling really good. Despite being left to my own devices for most of it (my girlfriend was away with friends) I didn't come close to a bet or really even think about it.

I'm not taking anything for granted but by laying everything on the table I do feel like a weight has been lifted. I know that as time passes things will get trickier but for now I'm in a good place. My therapy/counselling starts in just over a week so I'm also looking forward to that.

Rhoda - thanks for your message, I see where you're coming from and I'm almost certain my character will change as I start to try and leave gambling behind mainly as without it my mind will be free to think of other stuff instead of nights sat there in a numb state thinking 'oh s**t, what have I done!'.

By saying it's not the real me, I like to think that is more about the things I have done to gamble or get money. For example, me and my girlfriend recently went on holiday. I know this is a bit of a bubble enviorment and not like our daily slog but in that 3 weeks I had the most amazing time ever with her and gambling did not cross my mind. I knew I couldn't gamble and I didn't have a reason for telling myself I needed to gamble. I'd lilke to think that was the real me, when this illness isn't dominating my every thought or action. Does that make sense?

Thanks for reading everyone. Stay strong!

10 days gamble free.

Feeling positive and optimistic. Counselling starts on Monday.

Finances still a mess and it's a long way back but trying not to let it get me down.

Day 15.

First group therapy session last night which I found really beneficial. It was amazing to see so many similarities between me and the rest of the group. Having previously done one on one counselling through Gamcare, I seemed to find this a lot easier and perhaps not as 'intense' if that's the right word to use.

Found it really interesting to talk about the topic of control and addiction. It seem that in our weaker moments we often turn to gambling as a way of dealing with our emotions, potentially because we are in control of that situation i.e. what bet we will place but in reality our addiction quickly controls us.

Anyway, feeling positive and hope everyone is having a good day.

Take care

Hi mrhonest.

Well done in starting your recovery. You're in the right place. I was in a similar situation as you my friend. I couldn't find the courage to tell anyone, my fiancГ©e found me out. Im now 87 days gamble free, with no urges whatsoever because I know the pain it has caused. In the early days I kept coming on here reading posts(I still do) you'll find that other people are in the same boat and with no disrespect to anyone, there are people who will be worse off than you. You are lucky that your girlfriend has stuck by you, count your lucky stars buddy, keep being honest with her about everything and hopefully you both recover. Unfortunately for me my relationship has failed, my fiancГ©e called the whole thing off last week, she cannot cope with it, constantly worrying about what I'm doing(not gambling at all) or what future we had if I'd relapse. I'm devastated for this loss but I need to stay strong for myself and beat this. I cannot do anything about her feelings which is killing me inside, but I have to respect her decision and stay strong. Maybe she wasn't the right partner for me anyway, through good and bad times they say, maybe the bad is too bad! Anyway good luck in your recovery 🙂

Nev

iiThanks for reading my diary and commenting NE, I'm sorry that at present you can't work things through with your fiancГ© but hey, almost 90 days gamble free is AMAZING and stopping has to be done, with or without a loved one.

I'm very lucky to still have my partner and the amount of effort I'm putting into my recovery has really gone along way. I know I can't get complacent though and being reminded that others have lost everything is a good place to start.

mrhonest

No you mustn't get complacent as I've read so many times before in other posts, it only takes 1 bet to fall back into the horrible black hole and in turn it resets your profile number back to zero. Keep fighting mate, you'll get through it with your partner by your side, it's a shame my partner can't stick by my side, it feels like I'm fighting 2 battles at the minute. Gambling and relationship. I'm getting pulled in all directions and sometimes I feel like I can't cope. But I will keep fighting both ends and will come out on top.

Nev

Hi Nev,

Your gambling addiction is your priority battle and everything else will fall into place thereafter.

There's nothing you can do to change the mind of your partner but there's also nothing to say she won't change her mind once she sees all the effort you're making to overcome the illness. Feelings can quickly change and whilst in these current dark days she may not see how she can have a future with you it may soon be that she realises she can't not have a future without you!

Keep the faith.

Mr honest

Thankyou for your reply. I know what you're saying mate. The priority is to beat the gambling first and foremost but I think it's too late for her to change her mind as we bought a house together last year and now she wants to either one of us to buy the other out or sell up. Hoping she comes round but not looking likely. Keeping the faith though

Nev

Day 18.

No urges whatsoever. Trying to keep myself busy and have had another good week.

In a few days this will the the longest I've gone without gambling in probably 2 years (I remember quitting for 2-3 months around Christmas 2015 and didn't have one single bet).

Whilst I've often had quite periods, with quite significanly reduced gambling, I've usually stuck at least a few quid on something at the bookies during lunch. It feels good to finally have the mentally that '£5 on lunch' is something I'll never be able to do again if I want to fully recover.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Well done Mr H :))

Well done mrhonest keep it going mate 🙂

Day 21.

First of all, thanks for your comments above! Really appreciate them.

Whilst doing my counselling I'm trying to put a finger on that all important question.. 'why do we gamble'? Such a simple question with such a BIG (and endless) answer.

Do other people in their recoveries think it's important to fully understand the WHY? Or can we just let this slide over time.

For me, I think I'm searching so hard for an answer I may never find. Sure, I relate to certain theories or think of triggers when I was younger but I'm not sure I'll ever fully comprehend why I've gambled.

I definitely think that gambling over the years has given me something in my brain, some kind of chemical reaction which I've been unable to turn away. It's just training my brain to live without that and realising that it can be so much better.

Thanks for listening.

Hi MH, not had any counselling but the GA literature confirms that not everyone figures out the why. I'm not one of these people that needs answers (also pretty lazy which may play a huge part in that) & haven't really been looking for them but things are falling into place now & I'm way more accepting that some of my life experiences play a bigger part than I ever gave them credit for. Gambling became a way of life, happy or sad, rich or poor, it's something I did, now it's something I don't do & that's a vital tool in my fight with urges. When I 1st stopped, I planned gambling 'treats' as a reward, now I know how ludicrous that is & the very few urges (if you can call them that) are quickly dismissed.

It is about our brain & not money so keep on training - ODAAT