Bluebell's Diary

I wanted to buy myself a Jo Malone diffuser as a treat. This is something that I said I would buy every time I won £50 but never did .... so I have just bought it!! Whle buying it the little thought popped into my head 'you could just quickly win that £50 back gambling'. What is that about? Why do I struggle to spend money on me but can throw it away on on-line machines in huge quantities. Why does it feel like real money when shopping but fake when gambling. I do not have the answers but made myself (yes, made myself) buy the diffuser.

PS. No offence, but for some of the guys on here a diffuser is sticks in scented oil that makes the house smell nice 😉

I now feel stupid and guilty having spent £50 on me. Why do I feel like this? So silly. Is anyone else really careful with money in other areas like this? I remember before my big crash saying "if I win another £200 I'll buy myself that designer bag" but every £200 more I just couldn't do it. I could've bought that stupid bag 10 times over with what I lost!

Anyway, day 14 and still not gambled but looking forward to my house smelling of limes

I think I'm now talking utter garbage. Night folks

It's not garbage...We've all done it 🙁

Good on you treating yourself...You deserved it!

Keep winning - ODAAT

Thanks ODATT

Feeling bored today so urge is stronger, plus I have the opportunity to go for a promotion at work - so feel stressed about that which increases the urge to numb my feelings by watching the wheel spin round.

Great going Blue, and I thoroughly understand the reluctance to treat yourself. I would only ever buy things if I had won the money...well that was the intention. I'd lose the money before even placing the order. Gambling is destructive and we do it as a form of punishment for one reason or other.

Learn to treat yourself. The promotion sounds great! I got a promotion when I was still gambling heavily and it was hell. I couldn't concentrate and I just couldn't believe they'd actually chosen me. Look at it positively, you've put gambling behind you, and now you have the opportunity for a promotion. Your new life is already taking shape!
Stay strong and all the best with the potential promotion.

16 days today blue, well done.

It's not daft to not want to treat yourself even after over one year I am still reluctant to treat myself,

You are doing fine, keep going. and keep winning.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Bluebella,

Thanks for your post on my diary.

Hang in there girl. You are making positive steps to make your recovery possible. It will take time, and granted you will feel strange at times as you try to banish those old engrained habits. I can relate to all your posts in one way or another. And I wish you well on your recovery journey. Keep busy and open up your mind to filling your time when those urges do come knocking at your door. Take one day at a time and focus on the important things in your life.

Keep strong

And remember that "recovery is indeed possible"

All the best

Ade

Hi Bluebell I am newish on here. Did have one slip last night an put tenner on but didn't enjoy an was so cross with myself was just wishing to lose an exclude which I did. So not beating myself up but learnt lesson that when urges kick in make sure all blocks in place. Well done on ignoring them Mary

Hi Bluebell I am newish on here. Did have one slip last night an put tenner on but didn't enjoy an was so cross with myself was just wishing to lose an exclude which I did. So not beating myself up but learnt lesson that when urges kick in make sure all blocks in place. Well done on ignoring them Mary

I think I'm on day 17? Anyhoo, I've really played tricks with my mind this evening. Had a whole train of thought which was basically "you don't really have a problem as you're not in debt, if you did gamble you could only use the money you win and if you lost that then you would just stop and be in control". Seriously! I lost 4k 17 days ago but I'm trying to rationalise to myself that I'm ok and in control. Thats goodness for this site for a reality check.

Day 17 and I have not gambled but have rambled 🙂

Hi Blue,

Dismissing those nasty thoughts can be quite a battle, well done you for winning.

Keep strong.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Bluebella

I've just read your diary and really resonate with a lot of what you said. I too found roulette as way to relax, and escape from the stress of the day. Odd isn't it when we think about it, how losing money can be relaxing! but I did enjoy it and am ashamed to say miss it! For me too having access to roulette online was disastrous. I had occasionally gone to a casino for birthdays, celebrations etc.. and enjoyed it in a controlled way, but when I discovered it online I was on it all the time for hours and hours and lost thousands. I work from home so it was easy to spend all day on it without anyone knowing, it became 'my' thing, 'my' time.

Anyway enough from me- well done on staying clear of it for 17 days. You can do it, just take a day at a time.

Stux

Thanks Suzanne and Stu. I really do need a boost from people and it is the reality check that helps. Yup Stu, it is enjoyable when it is going well, it is when it inevitably goes wrong that it is lethal - and playing that many hours it is absolutely inevitable that we will lose and lose big. Hey ho. Onwards and upwards people.

Day 18 and I have not and will not gamble.

There is nothing to be enjoyed in losing so much money and it's definitely not relaxing thats not to have a go in anyway! its something I thought and also tried to achieve when massively stressed! but always ended in disaster! try and remember and think when you have an urge how harmful it is and the consequences and all the other great things in life we can choose to do to relax

Regarding the urges that's natural but we dont have to act on them, it's magical thinking if i play this machine i will win, ive not played for weeks i will win, im going to play my lucky numbers there are no lucky numbers? truth is it always ends in disaster its never any different cause we don't know when to stop and the machines are programmed to take all we have eventually. Remember all those horrible emotions gambling causes.

Wish you all the best on your journey! keep going you should be proud you have done really well to get where you are. Here to support you will keep checking in on you 🙂

Try and fill your time so your not bored and have things to focus on. one day at a time if you keep starving the addiction you will win!