[Closed] Charly's life

HI Charly

Them mixed feelings are simply normal feelings, tired, fed up and a little deflated but you are doing fine girl because you can see a positive in every day..

So today the sun is shining and you haven`t gambled - its all good my dear friend it all good..

Enjoy your quite 1/2 hour when you get home and give yourself a smile because you will have let a not so good day pass and will be fighting fit to enjoy what tomoorow brings..

Have a fab GA meeting tonight...

Love & Hugs

Lucy

xxx

Good Morning Diary

Am feeling good so far. Thanks for your comment Lucy.

G.A. meeting wasn't what I expected, but it was good.

I got there and there was only one other person sitting on the bench outside. He said that he tried the door but it was locked. There was another group in there and they forgot to put the latch onthe door. We even joked and said we could always hold the meeting sitting on the bench under the tree,lol, to which this guy replied, we could always go down the pub. We finally started the meeting at 7.40pm and there were a total of 6 people there, nice an cosy. It was a good meeting in the end, started off a bit strange but got on tracks after a while. Spend the first half on how we all were and the second half we read the orange G.A. book and had a dscussion about the 12 steps and how we interpret them. It was very beneficial for me but also for one other person who has come back to the room after being away for a few years, gambling.

I only went there last night because I am loooking after the G.A. briefcase while the secretary is on holiday. I was glad I went.

Here's to another glorious day at the office, lol.

Just for today I shall do something I don't like doing, but I will do it anyway.

God Bless

Charly

hey charly xx glad to here you are plodding on hun. stay strong charly , big hugs to ya hun xxxxxxx

Hi charly

Sounds like you got plenty out of the meeting. Good on you for going, always keeping working on your recovery. Perhaps quite a different, and worthwhile experience from your usual meeting in Southampton, with there being only 6 of you there.

I still fully intend to come to your meeting in Southampton next time I am down that there. Even though I'm at a good place at the moment, I never want to become complacent.

Hope you get a chance to enjoy the sun this week.....

Doodle

Hi sweetie. Just wanted to say thanks for your unending support and words of wisdom. They mean more to me than you can possibly know. And, I'm so proud of you for taking each day as it comes, and working so hard on your recovery, even when things don't turn out like you expect them (re: the meeting! LOL).

Love and hugs!!

Anna

Thanks, Gem, Doodle and Anna

Hi Diary

It is Friday and it's as good a day as any to not have a gamble.

I was in my kitchen last night cooking dinner and out of nowhere these really strong thoughts about gambling came at me. I was thinking how it would feel to sit in front of a fruit machine one more time and the heck with it. Maybe it was the adverts on TV telling people to log on to an online bingo site and get ВЈ20 free when you put on £10.

I screamed: Why don't you just go awayyyyyy, grrrrrrrr(and I didn't swear which I am proud of)

And then I had to laugh. You know what they say about you talking to yourself, not sure what they say about shouting at yourself.

Well, anyway, I was good after that. I think I scared the crxx out of these thought so much they buggered off. LOL

Finished cooking dinner(all healthy and without salt theses days) and sat down with my Angel. Good news is, my Angel's blood pressure was normal for the first time last night when he measured it. 133/86 I'm really pleased about that and so is he.

My lad should be lapping up the sun in Kushadasi/Turkey by now. He has gone there until next Friday with his Dad and his Dad's fiance. They flew out last night.

Nice and quiet at home(and tidy). Bliss 🙂

No plans for the weekend as yet. we'll see how it goes and then decide. I pefer these last minute decisions, they usually turn out to be great fun.

I spoke to my Mum last night and all seems well enough in Germany at the moment. She told me about someone we were neighbours with, who had an accident at his works and died. The lad was only 29. There is an investigation going on now and they have to wait and see. I feel compassion for the family. My Mum got quite upset because it brought it all back with my brother. As we lived in a little road where we all played out in the streets and all the Mum's and Dad's knew each other, Mum's heart went out to this lad's Mum, because she knows exactly how the poor woman feels.

Very eventful day. The positive I'm taking out of yesterday is that I 'feel', even if it is upset, happy, sad, angry, whatever, at least I'm able to feel these emotions now I don't gamble and I can deal with them now.

I wish you all a great, peaceful, gamble free weekend.

Thank you for sharing my life. It is a better life because you are in it.

God Bless you all

Charly

HI charly, good to hear things are going well with you hun xxx funny the urges to go gamble ay? i have been having them but they do pass, not into shouting at the tv yet with the gambling ads but into shouting at the computor lol everytime i open my email bingo or slots stuff comes up even tho i have a pop up blocker tuts.

keep strong charly xxxx

Hi Charly,

Good to meet u in the chat room. I have been given a few tasks by my counsellor, identifying the triggers and identifying when i am safer from gambling. Just to explain what i was on about in the chat room.

Also as well as keeping the diary i am supposed to note my feelings at the end of the day. This is what i will put in my future posts maybe.

Anyhoe thx for the support and stay bet free

Gary

Hi Charly

I came to England 10 years go from Germany. It started with my gambling that way as well. My mother in law took me to bingo. Since in Germany no one really heard of it, I thought it was great fun to go there. I was just married to my now exhusband. My ex was mentally quite abusive which I only realised years and years later. But coming back to the gambling, he encouraged me to go. I told him on several occasions that my father was highly addicted to gambling and that I am heading full on into the same direction. I asked him to help me to stay away from gambling. He encouraged me on several occasions to go, and needless to say it did not take a great deal of convincing. I cut up several times the bingo card, cried to him that I was extremely unhappy with myself because of the addiction to bingo. I moved to Holland 3 years ago to have a "fresh start" and sort of last solution to save my marriage and after losing my house to all the debt we had. (My ex was an alcoholic and stopped working). I thought a "new start" would solve everything. Instead I was introduced in Holland to poker online which I was hooked on ever since. I split up from my ex in Holland and came back to England to be close to my daughter again. It took me now 3 years to stop with poker. I only stopped 3 days ago, but I made a start. And I am already starting to feel better now.

Andrea

Hi Charly

Those thoughts always have a habbit of sneaking up on us dont they? its great to be able to deal with them now though , and if shouting at the tv works then great !! 🙂

Pleased you are still doing great, hope you have a lovely weekend

All the best

Stephen

Hi Charly

I only live in Reading, so Southampton is not far. In matter of fact I did a great photoshoot there with my daughter only a few months ago. And my daughter bought her wedding dress there.

I would be happy to meet you, either there or in Reading if you like. We can talk in German even though I am starting to make mistakes in the german language and in a way I am hoping you too, lol. I am originally from Regensburg, so you know what this means. Yes, die Bayern.

Yesterday my daughter told me she would go to Germany for a holiday with her husband (or let's say she is showing my granddaughter to family in German) and she will be going end of May for 10 days. I am already dreading her going away, so if you have time then to meet up, I would be really grateful. I have something to looking forward to then, Charly. But if this is not convenient to you, then any other time is absolutely fine with me too.

By the way, today I will phone up the counselling service. Sooooooooo nervous, but I will do it.

Andrea

Hi Diary

I went to my G.A. meeting last night and although it was a very negative meeting, I took bits and pieces from it.

I still find it very difficult to share in front of people. Strange, I have no problems writing things down, I always seem to know how to, just can't find the words to say. ah, well, something to work on.

I feel very good, at peace with myself, so maybe that's why I didn't share last night, nothing to report.

Although thinking about it in hindsight, maybe the room would have benefited from some positive thoughts.

I'll work on that this week and try and share next time.

Have faith in yourselves, stay strong and focused.

God Bless

Charly

Hi Charly

Thanks for your post. I am having my first meeting with counsellors coming Thursday to have an assessment. She said on the phone that Thursdays might be my regular dates then depending on what the councillor will say. So I wait and see how it goes and then get back to you about meeting you. By the way, I can't be thinking clearly I think, because when I said I wanted to meet you while my daughter is on holiday, I did not consider that I did not have babysitter then for my boys. Well, there you can see, what a long way I have to go. Please have patience with me to sort a date out which suits both of us. I think when my daughter gets back from holiday, which will be I think May 7th, then I would like to come along to the meeting and if you accompany me, it would be so great. I don't know if I would have the courage to go on my own. People scared and so on. I gotta build up some confidence, but working on it.

I have read your last post about your meeting, and can I say, I am very happy for you that you felt happy and I personally think there is nothing wrong with you not saying anything. If this is how you felt then it did you good. You always can share positive feelings on another day. Sometimes it's nice just to sit back, reflect and feel good in what you have achieved in peace. They proably give you the peace to be able just to sit back and be yourself.

Andrea

Dear Diary

I have been thinking a lot today.

It's easy to put up a front and pretend that everything is going really really well.

I'm sure I have mentioned in an earlier post, that I excel in practical things and I do a lot of things to save me from thinking about 'me'

Well today I have.

I have questioned 'Me'

Sounds strange? does to me too, but it needed to be done. Things have been niggling at the back of my mind.

Overall I have felt at peace with me and the world for a while now and today I'm questioning that.

I have asked myself - are you putting up a front again because it is safer?, because this is what people expect of you now you are 11 months in your recovery? It's what they want to hear?

It's not very health, I can tell you. It rattled my beliefs.

It made me unsure for most of the afternoon(Just as well I wasn't too busy at work)

Is this finally the 'real' me???

Or am I still hiding somewhere in cloud-cookoo land????

I don't know, I really don't know, but I hope so. I truly hope that this is 'Me' for I couldn't bare another disaster.

But there it is - I hope so - I'm hanging on to that thought. All the others are just too destructive and don't help me at all in any aspect of my life, not just with the gambling addiction.

I'm trying to be as honest as I possibly can with myself and that has caused me to doubt myself - again.

Maybe it's this looming 1 year figure( I have seen many people falter after their 1 year pin and I might just let it pass unnoticed, just to be safe) or maybe it was the fact that my Angel and I spoke last night about the responsibilities of the casinos and gambling haunts. The self-exclusions in most places last between six months and 1 year only. Maybe that spooked me. Or maybe it was all of it together that triggered my thought process to go into overdrive. But I needed to write this down and if I'm waffling then so be it. This is my diary and I'm glad I can at least write how I feel, even if I can't put it into spoken words. Here I can write, stop, re-read, remember more and add it where I want. I can't do that when I speak.

Tonight I have reached a compromise with myself.

I am going to live my life one day at a time and I won't destroy all the hard work I have put in with these negative thoughts. I have thought them and now it is time to let them go.

We were asked to say something nice about ourselves last night at the meeting and I think that may have been partly the trigger for my soul searching today along with all of the above.

Actually, I must have started soul searching last night because... naah that is too personal to write on here. Let's just say Angel and I are alone at home at the moment and things just didn't work out for me.

Another thing that has been bothering me and even caused me some sleepless nights.

In the G.A. book it says to not be a mental loafer. It took me a week to think about a book I saw. Shall I buy it and more importantly, can I read it without falling apart. After a week I decided, that, yes, I buy it and yes, I'm strong enough to read it.

How wrong I was.

It challenged everything I believed to be true in my life and then some.

I have started talking to my angel about bits of it, but this book is going to haunt me for a long time. It is beyond comprehension that there are people out there that can do what was done to this poor woman and get away with it for years and years and the authorities turned a blind eye.

It frightens me to think that people like that even exist.

I pray with all my heart for all the lost souls out there fighting all sorts of demons, including me.

And I hope that I can improve daily and learn to listen to my higher power - my G.A. group, my Angel, my children as and when time allows us to talk(young adults have no time to talk to their parents, they are too busy living life and quite rightly so)

I pray that I have finally found 'Me' for I couldn't bare to have to search all over again. (How do I know though, I've never known who or what I am so how do I know???)

I will let life and my higher power guide me.

Good Night Diary

God Bless

Charly

our demons charly? , that is just so true, we all have our demons dont we? some caused by others , some caused by ourselves, our inner self maybe looking , seeking constantly for something thats not there, something we will never find maybe?

I dont know what demons anyone has on here except our common bond , the one 'demon' we all want to fight and that is the addiction that has taken over our lives for no explicable reason. for every one person with this addiction there are thousands of people in this world that dont have it. but that is true of other stuff, thousands of people dont comfort eat and become overweight, thousands of people dont smoke, or drink.........

for now charly this demon is the one we are all here to win against, the one thing most of us know we can win ...... with a little help from our freinds.

goodnight god bless charly, sleep well and stay strong xxxx