Choose life

Well done, it's early days for me but I have hope from people on here like you who have many many days knotched up stay focused you can do this x

Well done, it's early days for me but I have hope from people on here like you who have many many days knotched up stay focused you can do this x

Hi again everyone... Its now 51 days. I did lose track of the days but looked on my page and it tells me. Things are slowly changing. Very gradually the progression of my recovery is becoming noticeable. I am starting to feel more optimistic, i feel less stressed and I am sometimes having glimpses of calmness. I also experience many other emotions a lot negative but the good ones are starting to shine through more than they were. Im really starting to feel hopeful that maybe i will not relapse again which has been my pattern for years. Hopefully i can leave it behind me and stay living in recovery land

Hi Gam care.

I am still here plodding along.. the days are passing and i am starting to find that life yes is improving, i am shocked... i am starting to feel better, i am tired but i am living. So much better than that awful chaotic life. Im actually starting to enjoy it.. starting to really love recovery.. i think because it got so bad its just pure relief now not to be doing it

Lost

Hi Lost, it honestly could have been me writing your initial post. I have hidden my addicton very well also - no one would ever suspect me but I am getting tired of being this person. I also feel like I am crazy and I do think that I am suffering from depression but I just cannot bring myself to go to the doctors about it. I hope you are still doing well? I am on day 1 and it is so hard, I am super teary and just want to curl up on the sofa with my pjs on and cry all day. Silver x

Hi Silver

Thanks for writing to me. I am sorry to hear you are on day one but also happy for you as you are doing something about your problem by coming here. It is hard to climb out of the hole but it happens and it is possible. It takes patience and perserverance. I have had to become very committed to my recovery. Putting it first in my life each day. Without it i am stuck in that awful cycle and it nearly killed me. I will not let gambling destroy me, its been too long. Ive tried a long long time to stop and had many successes but never stayed stopped. Ive had enough its been so many years, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year believing the same lies that gambling seduces me with. There is no truth in my thinking when i gamble. I believe a lie and thats what i have to remember. Every time i have relapsed, and my relapses are all out frenzies that go for a long long time. I have had the same thoughts. Each and every time i think, maybe il just go once. Il just go for a few hours, il go once a week only etc etc.. It will never happen this way for me. Once i start gambling, i have no ability to control what happens from that point forward. There is nothing that can stop me once i start. When i am stopped however i have the choice to go back or not. I am stopped now, i have the choice. It sounds so so simple. If it were i would have stopped years ago, this site wouldnt exist neither would gamblers anonymous. I dont think i will ever understand the madness of this addiction. I just have to rely on my history, regardless of what my head tries to tell me. I have to remember gambling came close to destroying me. I have to remember that what i think about gambling is distorted and just rely on what has happened, to teach me that i cannot do it. I try to surrender, some days i can some days i cant. What i do know is if i start i cant stop. If i win i put it back in. If i lose i chase it. Each time it gets worse, the progression terrifies me. Financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, in every way i get affected by gambling. All i can do is keep trying, keep perservering, each day. Just for this day i wont gamble.

Lost

hello ive been a bit slack on the journalling. Im still by some miracle gamble free but have been having some crazy urges lately. I am doing my best to ignore them. I know all too well how convincing they can be and how sneaky this addiction is.

Am i writing in the rigth section? should this be in diaries section and how do i get it there

Well done on your continued success Lost23.

Consider reaching out for more help if you're finding it tough at the moment.

Writing in this section is fine. Might be a good idea to move your thread to the diaries part of the forum as you will probably receive more support there. If you email GamCare I'm sure they would be happy to move it over for you.

Best wishes

Glint

Thank you Glint

I have had a rough day. The urges have been battering at me and they havent stopped. I was almost certain i would have gambled but nearly turned inside out not to. I went to a meeting, i counted down the hours, and said 5 hours till the meeting, 4, 3, 2, 1. I was so so relieved to get there. I was desperate for a meeting almost like i was desperate to gamble so thats gotta be a good thing right? Onward and upward i must not gamble.. gotta continue no matter what

Hi everyone

I am not sure how to ask to move this journal to the other area but if the moderators are reading this could you please move it? I am gamble free today. I ask myself do i want to gamble? Yes.. sometimes i admit i do. But i do not want to live with the disastrous consequences that inevitably happen every time. There is not one time over maybe 8 years that i have done what i intended to do with gambling. All the same thoughts.. i will only go once a week. I will take a limit. This time i can control it. I can walk in and walk out with a win. All these thoughts are lies for me as a compulsive gambler. Yet i have had these thoughts and believed them for nearly 10 years despite the results, heartache, insanity.. its torture. I am horrified that i have urges. I cant quite beleive after what i have been through that i would still crave to go back. Self punishment maybe? Am i crazy? Yes most likely.. i have to be to do what i have done over and over and over. It does stop here though this time. I will not go back to that madness. I wont put myself through it. I cant. I know once i start i cant stop. I have to finally just accept it. I cant gamble, not today, not ever. I will never un cross that invisible line. I am a true compulsive gambler, if i win i put it back in to gamble, if i lose, i chase it. It never ends till i end it and this time i have ended it. So keep knocking urges.. keep trying.. i will not let you destroy me..

Hi Lost23,

Okay, we've moved this thread over the Recovery Diaries section as you asked, so just look for it in there from now on. There's what's called a "shadow copy" with the thread title still in the New Members section so you could find it, but if you click on it, it takes you here into the Recovery Diaries, so better just to come into here when you're looking for it.

Hope that all makes sense, and keep up the posting and good work you're doing.

Travis

Hi Lost read your first and last post and I feel your pain. I relapsed again yesterday and felt all you've said plus the bit about being terrified (in your first post) me too but Alan likened it to learning how to swim have a read what he put it's really helped me hopefully will you too. Best wishes Lu x

Thanks so much for the replies

Lulu i will read what Alan wrote and glad you can relate, well kind of but i dont like thinking of others going through this, we are all survivors of this awful addiction here striving for a better life.

Half life yes i like how you describe that to me about the machines. Its true. I dont have to act on the urges. I wish my head would accept this and stop freaking out when i get them. I am having urges today. I have not gambled now for 88 days. I am very very excited about this but nervous from the urges. I am going to try to do more GA meetings and just throw myself head first into recovery. I cannot get too much of it at this point. Be safe, be strong all, we can do this together

Hi

I am coming back to write more down in my diary here which i have neglected. I just want to say its been a climb but i am gamble free. I am really so shocked that i am ok. I didnt think i would make it to be honest. Life is starting to improve a lot for me, sometimes its one step forward two steps back but im here and im not gambling. Im noticing litlte things in life that are really becoing the most significant in my life. I think going through addiction and coming out the other side might acutally make me a better person than if i hadnt had addiction if that makes sense.