Closure - 13th Feb 2014

Day 9

Another day passes without any urges. Only 9 days in, but I'm actually almost feel 'normal' again. However, I still have to remind myself that the debt is still huge, but I have a chance during the next month to get 2 or 3K paid off one of the cards which will put a serious dent into the minimum payments, which are currently over £700 per month. Things are looking OK at the moment.

5 days before our holiday of a lifetime, my wife is asking questions about our finances saying that she's very worried about them - she phoned me at work. She saw a credit card statement 2 months ago which worried her, and recently I've been frantically trying to save money - and this is something she has picked up on. I don't want to lie, and equally, I don't want to lose everything. I've been on the wagon for 10 days now, and still no urges, but I have I have re-discovered the sinking feeling once again - my stomach doing somersaults. I've been sitting at my desk all afternoon looking blankly at the screen - worrying intensely. I don't know what to do other than ride out this storm. Next time I write an entry, I may have lost my wife and my family.

My wife has gone out, and I've put the kids to bed tonight, and for the first time in a long time, I've cuddled them, read them a story and generally spent some quality time with them. I know it sounds soft, but things like this make you realise what' important in life. In the next hour, I'm bracing myself for some very awkward questions indeed. It might never materialise, but I just can't tell her. Not now anyway - I'm not saying never, just not yet - I need to be better prepared and on top of things.

Day 10

The questions did not materialise at all. In fact my wife was in quite a good mood when she arrived in tonight. I know it's wrong, but the min payments are coming in thick and fast at the moment, and I'm dealing with them quite comfortably. In fact, I will have enough to overpay on 1 card this month + a bonus at the end of the month means that I can pay a huge amount off one of the cards. I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on anything at the moment - I need to get through the next few months. There's no urge, and at present, no question about me going back to my old ways. I need to remain calm and focussed.

On a real downer at the moment.

My wife's concern over our finances has got me worried. We have such a good life, I don't want to do anything to jeapordise it, but my £25K Gambling binge earlier this year might have dire consequences.

If I think negatively, I think of losing my house, my family and my parents disowning me - which I have done for much of today.

If I think positively, I think of me taking the bull by the horns, working hard (zero procrastination - which is the norm for me at the moment), putting a smile on my face, melting these debts away, and slowly feeling the burden of debt lifting. In the very best case, which is what I will strive for, I will have the CC companies paid by the end of 2012, and my parents paid 18 months later - but this is the very best case - "Closure 13th Feb 2014" is my target date, 5 years after I 1st confessed all. I cannot procrastinate any more. I sleep at the right times, I eat the right things, I keep fit, I spend quality time with my family and my kids no longer see a tired, grumpy Dad, I no longer waste time at work, I take every single opportunity to make extra cash (and I have found ways of doing this), and I will throw everything I can at them, 1 credit card at a time.

The burden is almost unbearable at the moment, but with every passing week and month, payments will be made, interest and minimum payments will reduce and the burden will become lighter. In fact, the burden should become £2K lighter in the next month which would be a great start.

Gambling is simply not on the agenda - this is something I used to do, but no longer. My kids have a father who is no longer a Gambler, but is striving to sort out a mess caused by a person he left behind 11 days ago.

Michael35,

well done on the continued progress, it does sound like awfully hard work and i know you have a good holiday forthcoming but when you get back i think you need to try and find a way of squeezing in a bit of you time, not much but just a an hour a week or so where you unwind, the way you are going is commendable but just be sure you dont overdo it,

good to hear you keeping those gambling demons away though

Day 11

Another day passes - more worry, but no urges. Worried because this all seems too easy and I'm waiting for a 'binge' urge to mount it's ugly head - probably in a few month's time.

Dan - Thanks for your comments. You're right, I have enough work at the moment to last 24hrs/day - which is great, as it means that I can see my way out of this financial mess. But since we moved house in 2007, and effectively doubled the size of the house and mortgage, I think I've had an urge to work work work to keep on top of the repayments. As a result, for the last 3 or so year's, I've been generally tired and grumpy. Being tired, bored and concerned about money is what got me into Gambling in the first place, and the urgency to work more has increased since my latest 'binge'. Deep down, I wished we never moved house now. If we hadn't, we'd most probably have a mortgage less than the unsecured debt I have now. But this is the family home, and the kids are settled.

Michael, your diary is a shining example of someone determined to remove the debt through sheer willpower and hard work. Well done mate.

I wanted to ask if you'd mind posting or messaging to me directly the details of the places you earn the extra cash at evenings/weekends please? I'm in need of some extra debt repayment but don't have a job that offers overtime.

Hi Anonymous - Yes, sure. If you're happy to post an e-mail address, I'll send you a private message. We're not talking huge sums of cash here, but if done consistently could help to get those debts down.

Great stuff Michael,

You are a great example of how to deal with the situation. Make sure you deal with it emotionally aswell though. What you're doing alone is a huge burden, so take care of yourself as much as you are doing with the debt! Give yourself time to relax and enjoy life.

All the best, Jim

Day 12

Another day passes, and still no urges. As I said earlier, it's all a bit weird. Still feel down, and still inproductive at work - even though my holiday starts in 2 days time. 10 days of rest - and 10 more gamble-free days to put in the bank. The real hard work starts when I arrive back next Sunday. I need to stop procrastinating, which is what I've been doing for most of this evening, and as I said in a previous post, take the bull by the horns and ride with it, and that's the only option, and the sooner I get to where I want to be, and need to be, the better.

It's funny, but all the times I felt bored, or down in the past, pails into total insignificance against this. Nothing is winding me up at the moment, the kids, work, my wife, anything, where previously they would. I go about my daily business without concern and I'm treating each day like the last before something bad happens, like I lose my job, or house, or family, and I feel realived to make it through to bedtime each night. I'm smiling at the right times and saying the right things, in fact someone at work even remarked today that I always seemed so cheerful - which is amazing considering the month I've had.

Jim,

Thanks so much for your comments - it really has given me a lift today, and you're right, I will set aside time to relax and enjoy. I need 2 clear, good months of repayments to get it clear in my mind that I can manage this. If can get to the end of August, and be on top of payments, then I will take the foot off the pedal.

Hi Michael

Thanks for agreeing to send the details of the extra money making activities - my email is [email protected]

Cheers

Hi,

I've sent some details - please check your in-box. Give it a read - let me know if you have any questions (bear in mind I'm away for 10days from tommorrow!).

Have a great holiday Michael - early days, but you deserve it!