I have been struggling with a gambling addiction for two years. I am a mental health nurse and I am soon to be a mother, and I’m deeply ashamed of this habit and want something to change.
I understand that telling people is one of those horrible first steps. Most people are supportive but when I told my friends about my gambling addiction, they stood in shock and let out awkward laughs. “But you don’t look like you would do that?”, “But you know better than that, right?”.
Firstly, gambling doesn’t have a look. I have unfortunately fell victim to those innocent looking solitaire games on the App Store - the ones that promise you can win big and earn 1000s of dollars/pounds a month. I’m not even doing it for the money - it’s been a way to distract me from what I can only feel is my life turning upside down. I’ve never stepped foot in a casino, nor do I play poker or bet on sports. I just sit and play what must look like a silly little game to people outside of my head.
I also do know better, they’re right. At university, I studied public health issues. We were asked to do a project on a chosen public health concern and for my first draft I focused on gambling harm. I read all of the statistics in shock, not realising that in only a few months I’d become one of those statistics.
Last night I relapsed for what I hope is the last time. As mentioned above, I’m about to be a mother. I’m 21 weeks pregnant and I adore my child so much already. I cannot possibly bring them into a world of uncertainty and dread. I also can’t let them turn out like me.
So here I am, day 0. Again. I’ve self excluded even though I’ve never tried the “traditional” methods of online gambling, I’ve reached out to gambling support charities and I’ve got gamblock on my phone. My fiancé has removed my App Store and I’ve started looking at debt management.
I just need to know - I feel like the only person who’s fallen so hard to these games. I just want to feel less alone and know that recovery is possible, that a silly little solitaire game won’t rule my life forever. That I’ll be able to bring up my son is a healthy environment, without addiction and worry.
Dear Blackcat,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts in such detail.
It sounds like you have been reflecting a lot on the first stages of your gambling recovery journey. You are correct problems with gambling do not discriminate- it can impact anyone from all ‘walks of life’.
I can hear that you sound disappointed perhaps by the reaction of some of your friends when you hoped for some more empathy. Try not to see their awkwardness as a reflection of yourself more their awkwardness with this topic maybe unsure of how to act/think around this.
You are not alone in that gambling-type behaviours within games can be a way in which these behaviours may progress. Importantly it sounds like you are willing to self-exclude and block traditional online gambling and any app games that may contain gambling-type behaviour risks regardless of how they are labelled.
You have now been able to separate the intellectual knowledge about potential gambling harm and how wanting that feeling of escapism can be two different aspects. It is lovely to hear that you adore your child already and are using their arrival as an extra motivating factor to eliminate gambling from your life as much as possible.
You can call our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 to speak to an Adviser anytime.
Wishing you the Best,
Louise
Forum Admin
I'm in a similar situation. Day 0 for me today.
For what it's worth, I found comfort in your post knowing that I too am not alone.
I completely understand how you feel, you are absolutely not alone and it's definitely not your fault!
I'm a student nurse, with a 6yo son and I can't believe I've fallen into this hole too. Online slots did it for me. You're right, it's a silly little game looking in from the outside but o*g why is it the only thing I can focus on?!
Literally wish I was never introduced to it. The past 3 years have been tough, on reflection I'm thinking that maybe I wouldn't have struggled as much, hell probably if at all if it had not been for me gambling literally anything I had.
These companies know exactly what they're doing to get every penny from us. Even being well educated on the matter is not enough to keep you safe, I think we can both attest to that! It's horrific, we both knew the facts and figures of the harms of gambling and yet here we both are!
The guilt and shame of being a 'problem gambler' is the biggest burden I've had to bare. Like you, I never thought that could be me.
I guess for me it was a chance at a little bit of financial gain, I convinced myself all I need is one good hit and I wouldn't have to worry about money for a little while and every penny I put in would be worth it. Oh boy, was that delusional!
It's only upwards from here for the both of us! One day at a time, we've got this!
And congratulations btw for the little one, you'll be a wonderful mum. Wanting to change for your little boy proves that <3
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