DAY 1 - minute 1

dear diary

not sure what day im on at the moment possibly 73 but i am really struggling today. ive spent most of today reading through diaries and really trying to motivate myself but its not happening today. I do not want to gamble but have started wondering when my slip up will be? I have read enough today to see that nearly everyone slips up and some have even said to expect it but I cannot do this. If I start thinking this way it will be only a matter of time before it happens and then I may or may not carry on from day 1 again. Question for me is, am I a CG by nature and am trying my best to be someone else which is why abstaining is so hard? Or am I a normal person who is battling a horrible addiction that fools us into thinking that is who we are so that we never truely stop?

Confused? I am! I will get through today and no doubt feel a bit better tomorrow but dont want to feel like this every other day or week. I want to get to a point where it isnt something I am battling all the time.

I have been bored today and that is why my mind has wandered- thats fine as I will get days like this and I will succeed in getting through them without gambling but I hate the thought that I am a ticking time bomb just 1 small bet away from total disaster.

Is there anyway to stop thinking like this or is it something I have to accept will be a part of me forever?

Sorry for the negative post! I am sure I will be more positive tomorrow!

Linda

Linda.

Everyone's journey is bespoke, my advice don't beat yourself up about the urges, I learnt the hard way I gifted my continued recovery back to addiction. I opened the door and it was in, no invitation needed.

For me it is unacceptable to have a punt, I know that, but urges are part and parcel of our lives.

It's how we deal with them, you should be proud of your actions today, proof again the forum works.

But without doubt it only works if you take the lid off the bottle so to speak. You did that.

Today is the only day that matters.

Deal with tomorrow when it arrives.

Without doubt your day will be better due to your actions today.

Lastly the emotional addiction will never leave us.

With honesty my friend my mistake was believing I was cured.

Live with addiction, you are recovering, a job for life which will only be hampered by you making the wrong choice

Today you made the right one.

It will serve you well.

Life bowls us days like yours, it will only make you stronger.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Linda,

When I stopped gambling previously for just over a year I had many days where it seemed so much harder and longer than others. But when you get through a particular bad day you feel so great. Unfortunately our minds forget very quickly the reason why we are here and how down and desperate we feel when we first come to this site. It is good to read diaries and also it is good to 're read your own diary, just to remind yourself why you came here in the first place.

Take care and keep strong

LG

Hey Lovely lady,

Sorry you've had such a sh*tty time, my heart goes out to you and sending my strength also.

I have now had 3 counselling sessions with gamcare and trying to make sense of it all. I wish I had never won a single penny and then never had that winning thrill.

But we all know, that ultimately, we can only lose to this ridiculous addiction and that our lives are richer and more fulfilling without spinning wheels.

Onwards and upwards, Linda...WE ARE BEATING THIS!

Xx Louise

hey duncs, lou and LG

Thanks for taking the time to post on my diary. I did have a little wobble today but I think its only natural and to be honest I welcome the urges because each time I fight them off it will only make me that little bit stronger for the next time- so if I always get the odd urge for the rest of my life and I always beat it then I will always feel that pride I feel right now for not giving in to them. So from now on I have decided that instead of being afraid of the days I have urges I will look upon them as days where I have the opportunity to feel proud of myself again.

Thanks so much for giving me back my mojo guys! xxxxxxxx

Linda

Hey Linda,

How you doing Mrs? Not surprising that you've had a wobble, suffered a few urges and be feeling generally rubbish..........I've been thinking about you a lot this week and even more since reading that first post on your diary this evening and want to do a quiz with you........bear with me.......here goes.......answer the following questions - results are further below......

1) when I put my head on my pillow at night (kids allowing of course) I want to feel:-

A. Proud that I have gone another day without gambling

B. I can't put my head on my pillow because I've got the post gambling dread that I know is going to keep me awake all night.

2) the bank statement comes through the door or via an email.......I react by........

A. I am intrigued to look at it and know that I won't see any further debt or additional worries brought about by gambling

B. A pit forms in my stomach and there's no way I can bring myself to look at it........I know that if I do I'll work out how much I've lost this month

3) I walk into the bathroom and catch myself in the mirror.......I look myself in the eye and want to say the following:-

A. My name is Linda and I am proud of myself that I have not gambled for over 2 months now and not once in 2014.

B. What do you mean look myself in the eye? I can't even begin to look at myself right now, I hate what I see.

4. Your kids have grown up and at your youngest's 18th birthday party you are reminiscing with them about some amazing family holidays that took place after their 2nd birthday and shortly after your wedding.......do you want to:-

A. Look back and remember that decision you took on December 11th 2013 and then at your youngest and think.......look how happy you are.......I am so so lucky that I made that decision and stuck with it despite all the things I had to deal with at that time.

B. Who are you kidding? Because of the gambling we couldn't even afford the party, let alone the family holidays.

5. It's mid January 2015 and you're looking at the forum and recognizing all the names of the users, do you:-

A. Get excited at the thought that the extended family you've just gone through your first year in goodness knows how long without gambling are going to be sitting in a pub that night waiting to hug the living day lights out of you to celebrate 1 year free of this curse.

B. Sit back and sigh and wish that you could go to the night out that's being spoken a lot about.......but you can't because you gambled.

......so here's the results.......

Answer most B's - oh dear, that doesn't sound like much fun at all. May as we'll go and deposit some more losings huh?

Answer mostly A's - mmmmm, ok, so you've had a wobble, but you know, don't beat yourself up over the urge.........you've read the hint about volume.......your volume is low just now and you can hear the gambling music.......turn up the volume in life and let that melody drown out the music you don't want to hear.

Answer all A's - now that's what I am talking about! If you've answered all A's then your name is Wonder Woman. You are an incredible mother, friend and future wife. You are determined to beat the urges because you can remember how sh1t3 answering any of those B's actually feels. You are loved and respected by many many people on this forum and they will kick your a55 for not drinking that Budweiser at our 1 year celebration party 'cos you couldn't get on the train!! You are proud for wanting to beat this, you are amazing for not going near it and you will wake up tomorrow morning with a smile on your face, a spring in your step and a new resolve that your new life is going to be better than you could have ever imagined!!!!

Night Linda..........keep going, you are such an inspiration.

Mr Brightside xxx

Hi Mr B

Well I have to say I answered all Bs- only kidding of course it was all As! I actually shed a little tear reading your post and my word you really do know how to make someone remember what is important. I agree my life volume came down a notch today but mark my words it has rocked back up to a 9 tonight. I really cannot express how grateful I am to have you guys here to support me. I am usually always the one who advises others in life and nearly always hide my own worries, fears from my friends and family. They would all tell you that I am "the strong one" and its exhausting sometimes but just having this forum here to express my feelings has not only helped enormously towards my stopping gambling but has also made me a better person in general. I see how many good people there are on here who willingly give up a good part of their day to help see someone else through a rough time and it renews my faith in the human race.

I am really humbled and grateful for the support so thank you and now I will go to sleep (kids willing) peacefully 73 days gamble free.

Linda xx

Cheers for commenting on my diary I really appreciate it.

I wish you the best in your recovery linda

Hi Linda,

Thank you for letting me know about the challenge, I will go find the post and join once I have finished posting.

Mr Brightside post is very relevant and I too have gained reading it, for me only last week I would be answering mostly "A" and maybe I am dreading the bank statement this month, but I know slowly I will be answering "B".

Keep strong,

LG

Hi linda we'll done you and thanks for dropping by my diary always uncertain what to write having a few f*****g dramas today. All out of my control except the face thing all in my diary. Enjoy rest of day hitthefanx

Ps I swore sorry in your diary hitthefanx

thanks all for your posts on my diary and dont worry about swearing HTF I am terrible for it myself!

Just dropping by to continue to wish you all the best in your recovery Linda

hey captain

thanks for your support, I hope everything going well for you too!

Linda x

Hope things are going well for you today Linda!

Looking through your diary you mentioned taking up yoga - did you ever look into this?

The reason I wondered is because I spoke to someone today about CG and she said she had taken up pilates and found it very relaxing!

Laura x