Day 1 of starting diary (day 5 of not having gambled): Not doing this anymore. I have to beat this illness!

hello.

would putting your laptop in the shop for a few days stopped your binge???

i dont think so mate i think it would have merely delayed it for a few days ive been in a "frenzy" of gambling many times and i know it sounds mad but the worst thing that ever happened to me was having a really good day!!! i was around £1500 up you think you can do it again and end up blowing what you have plus a lot more!!!

i got to the stage where i was well down and with each bet i had the feeling that i wasnt even bothered if i was going to win i wanted to loose what ever money i had left!!!

you need to try and forget what you havee done stop beating youself up. the money you have lost isnt yours anymore i know its going to be tough as you may have wasted a great chance to go to the states but be strong maybe get some part time work and try and save.

good luck with your battle pal and i hope you can stay on the waggon!!!

Hi haydenftm, I truly believe that I would not of gambled again had I put my laptop into the shop. As I would of signed up to the gym and got back into my daily routine and I had lots of things planned to keep me out of the house etc.

But with what you say about losing money being a good thing I understand that. As I am trying to look at it positively and think if me losing £4000 at an age of 21 is enough to get me to stop gambling all together before I get a good job with a good wage (hopefully) then it could prove to be the cheapest lesson I have ever learnt.

I am beginning to let the money go as like you said its not mine anymore and it will not be coming back because I will not be going to a casino to try my luck. Gambling is for losers, and I am tired of being a loser!

I just do not want to miss out on the states..its hard..

Thank you for your comment x

I hope my comment in no way caused you offence just us gamblers don't wake up and smell the coffee (in most cases) until far too much damage has been done. Your still young have have your whole adult life ahead I hope you don't stray back to the dark side mate be strong!

All the best H

Hi,just to say i agree with most posts on here in the fact that the inevitable would have just been delayed,not avoided totaly if you had gone to the apple shop.We have all been where you are at one time or another.I am now 3 and a half weeks clean now and i have had some great advice on here tp help me.Please feel free to read the advice, my diary is under username "want to quit".But at the end of the day i have learnt its how you feel about gambling,win or lose.Its not just about the losing feeling.Its about habbit and life change which,scholarship or not,job or not,whatever your situation in life may be,making your life better and taking yourself out of th chaos of the gambling system along with the emotional control it has over your life with the few highs but way to many lows.Take it one day at a time and please read other diaries.Yes some slip up bt many make the finishing line.Take care and be strong.

Kind regards

Steven

Hi

I just wanted to say hello and congratulations for realising at seemingly such a relatively early stage that you have a problem. As I am sure you have read there are many here who wish we would have realised alot sooner.

You are clearly intelligent, which I believe funnily goes against you when you are a gambler because you feel you are intelligent enough to analyse systems/sports/etc. which will result in big wins. You have demonstrated in your diary that even when you were successful you ended up losing it all - and more. To accept you are a compulsive gambler is difficult.

If you fully accept it then you truly have the world at your feet. You may/may not be going to America but you have certainly not ruined your future. In fact you may well have just created a fantastic one by taking this first step. Don't beat yourself up for what has happened. Concentrate on where you go next.

Morning all: Day 6

I just want to say thanks for the comments.

Yes I hope I have realised at an early stage that I have a problem. Every time I find the urge to gamble I will read the recovery diaries on here, take a cold shower to help wake me up and see that gambling is not the way forward and also remember how I was feeling when I last did it (how I feel now).

I am going round my brothers later on, not to confess to him because I cannot do that as I am scared but to discuss how I can get the funds needed for America. I cannot let America slip through my fingers as it could be the making of me and my lifetime opportunity to do something with my life.

My mum is aware of the situation so if my brother does help me raise the funds I lost then she will keep the money or he can even do that until the day I go.

I am feeling a bit better about things, and I think I have almost accepted that I lost the money and it is never coming back. I just keep saying to myself it's done and you can't do nothing about it and if this lesson (me losing £4000) is enough to have me not gamble anymore then it could prove to be the cheapest lesson I have ever learnt, especially if I get a well paid job in the sports industry after completing my masters!

I can do this!!

Again comments welcome.

LFC1990 x

Day 7: One week without a gamble!

Last night was a tough night. I thought I had finally sorted out my money worries because I am still doing my best to make sure America happens!! But then I come home and my mum goes back on her word which means America isn't going to happen! So I ask her for my cards, and she gives them to me and I was thinking well I might as well gamble everything I have because its now or never..I either make the money I need or I lose it all. It had gone past midnight so there was not an advisor to speak to. However I confided in a friend about America which was able to take my mind away from gambling, as I was going to gamble to get back at my mum but knew that I would hurt myself more because ultimately I would of lost it all because I would not have been able to stop..because once up I would want more, and if I lost just a tiny amount I would chase my losses and be down! Gambling is for losers (that is my motto) and I am tired of being a loser!

Anyway today is looking brighter because I have sat down with my mum and I have the funds to go to America.

No I won't have any savings still in the bank as I previously thought and would of hoped but I am 21 years old and by going to America with everything I have and if I do have to go into debt up to a max of £3000 it would be better to be in debt because of education. This is because by choosing to do my masters it will hopefully increase my wages per year anyway which would see me pay of £3000k of debt in no time! Where as, what would being in £3000 of gambling debt do? Well for one I would not be going to America if I was in that sort of debt already (which is my dream, so anything or anyone that came after that I would resent and take my anger/frustration on etc). 2, I would probably gamble more to try and reduce the debt. & 3 even if i was to get a good job on the back of my degree I would probably not be able to take it as I would have no money to initially move out to support myself! Which means I would be in a dead end job that would see me have only enough money to pay back my debt, I would become depressed because I would know this is not the life plan I set out for myself and I would not be able to live my life, and go and live my life with friends!!

This is a massive lesson for me, and I know I have been here previously starting a diary before but this addiction/disease almost caused me to miss out on my long life dream! If that is not a wake up call then I don't know what is!

I just need to remember that gambling is not a way that can help me to increase my income, because I have an addicition which means if I won I would always want more, and if I lost I would carry on trying to re cooperate my losses! = A LOSER!!

I may get to America and realise I hate it and do not want to be here, but it is always better to have tried it and know that it is not for me than to not have tried it and continuously be thinking what if?!

Again any comments and guidance welcome!

LFC1990 x

Day 8: One week one day without a gamble!

Was at my friends last night, and it made me realise I have lots of people who I am thought highly of and who care about me (as she knows about my gambling habits). I was talking to her about it and kept going £2000, I could of bought this and that etc with that money! She was like yeah but its gone now, and there is nothing you can do about it. She was of course right, there is no way to get it back. She asked me how I blew it, and I was like I did it online! She was like what, where is the fun in that? At least if I did it at the casino there is people, an atmosphere etc!! Point she was trying to make is that doing it online is sad and pathetic. Which to be honest it is, starring at a computer screen for x amount of hours, not acknowledging those in the house, and having no conversation with anyone, isolating yourself, what is good about that?! NOTHING!

The point of mentioning myself going to my friends, is because I know that if at any time I decide on something irrational and that is to gamble I can just pick up the phone and ring her and she will automatically make me think of other thoughts just by talking.

I think I have always used gambling as a way out of my problems, but I do not want to do that anymore. I always thought I had no one to talk to but I do have people there! All I have to do is just open my mouth. I have always wanted a high life with lots of money but the only way I am going to actually do that is through hard work (completing my masters) and whilst completing it, doing any necessary internships/voluntary work to give me the experience in my desired field! Not by gambling and thinking it is my income per month.

It is 23 days until my journey to America begins and I hope on that day I can say 31 days without a gamble! One thing I will not do is get complacent! Thinking that when those 31 days are here I can just finish writing in this diary because I can't! As I think that is what I did before (I had one other diary) and when I thought the thought of gambling had subsided I stopped writing as I thought the gambling demon was controlled and out of me, so I used no measures to help keep it this way!

LFC 1990 x

Day 9.

Morning all. Have been sitting and reading recovery diaries for the past hour, just to remind myself of the things I never want to go through again (feelings and emotions).

As I am trying not to get complacent as I think that was my biggest problem last time!

I am feeling good about things today 🙂 and just keep telling myself that a day without gambling is a good day!

Again comments welcome, as I think the support that we all give eachother on this site plays a pivotal part in us staying strong and beating the urges.

LFC1990 x

I said I would come on here if I got an urge to gamble, so here I am. I just want to win back what I lost 🙁 but don't we all. However, whenever I do think about gambling now I think yeah I could gamble, but I cannot risk/afford to gamble what I have left because if that goes I am well and truly screwed!!

I hate gambling! I hate what it has done to me and everyone else on this forum!

I just feel disappointment in myself at the moment for being weak enough last sunday to do what I did.

I can't change the past but I can dictate my future!

Rant over.

LFC 1990 x

Day 10!

Hi everyone.

After my slight blip at 10.16 last night I feel so much better today :). As not only did I not gamble last night, I came on here and I have no urges to gamble today!

My motto still remains the same, gambling is for losers and I am not a loser!

Today I have woken up feeling good and happy with life. I have reached day 10 without a gamble, and yeah I may have done that a few other times but I would always stop my diary after like 3 days when I thought the temptation to gamble had subsided. Well like I said before I am not going to become complacent this time. I am going to continuously read stories on here daily, to remind me that a day without gambling is a good day.

Have a good day everyone.

LFC1990 x

Hi there,

Thank you so much for coming out and re-iterating what WILL happen when something rare happens like when you win big. Yes, £1800 is fantastic but we all know what WILL happen to it and you confirmed this by sharing what did actually happen.

And that was certainly not a blip on your part. Those evil, horrible gambling urges will come back to us and it really is only up to us what choice to make when they do come.

A huge well done on making that right choice and I am so pleased that you are able to celebrate day 10 with a smile on your face!

Long may this continue.

GT

Hi everyone! Day 11!

Thanks for the comments GT.

I was in London today getting my visa for America and it has been approved 😀 wahooo! Counting down the days till the 10th!

But whilst I was traveling on the train and the underground I was thinking that I wanted to gamble, but then as soon as I thought that other thoughts popped into my head such as 'yeah I could do that and I might win and then I can buy an ipad2, but by winning I will end up losing because I wont know when to stop'. By that I mean I could win money and go away but then my gambling urges would be so strong and I would go back again and I would lose the money I had previously won, and my own and then I would not be able to afford the ipad2.

So what I did as soon as I got home was come on here and read peoples diaries and also talk to my friend. I couldn't before as you are not allowed mobile phones in the embassy so I opted not take my phone at all then to leave it in a locker in London at my own risk.

I am now feeling much better about things now that I have written them down. I just need to keep upbeat and thinking that a day not gambling is a good day! 🙂

LFC1990 x

Hi everyone: Day 12!

It has been a long 12 days since I gambled my money away.

I am having to spend wisely on everything now because I can't afford to just go here and there and pay for it all without a care in the world. I have had to put a money planner together for America so that I only have a certain amount of money per month to live on. It is not going to be easy but I can do it, and whilst I get angry at myself because it wouldn't of been like this had I not done what I did 12 days ago, there is no point thinking like that, as I would of blown it one way or the other cause I was addicted. So the worse had to happen in order for me to realise, otherwise I would of kept on going. Now that the worse has happened, I have been open and honest to family and friends because I don't want to be a coward or fight this thing alone. Yeah people have been disappointed in me and called me stupid, but they still love me and are offering their support. So now if I ever think of gambling I know I have options; come on here and read diaries, comment in my own diary, and ring or text friends and family to let them know I have an urge.

Onwards and upwards!

LFC 1990 x