Posted this in new member updates but thought it would be better to keep a diary.
I would like to tell my story and hear from any others who may have been in a situation similar.
I have always had trouble with gambling. However in 2021 after a big loss i made the decision to sign up to gamstop and banned myself from all online betting. I work at sea so restricting my online access really meant I could not gamble at all. For 2 years I did not even think about betting.
My mistake was to only sign up to gamstop for a year. About a year and a half ago I called them and asked them to remove my ban and I was free to gamble again online.
This is the biggest mistake of my life. Over a 3 month period I lost about 4 grand I had saved from my job. Rather than quit and ban myself again. I chased it and believe it or not I won it all back. This was the worse thing that could possibly happen.
After that I beleived no matter what I lost I could always win it back. I worked hard and got back earning and saving at the endnof last year but I was still gambling. Just before xmas I went on a winning run but since then it all went downhill.
I proceeded to lose £5,300 of my savings. I kept on having belief I could win it back however after a big loss on Tuesday I said enough was enough. I signed up again for gamstop this time for 5 years.
I have no debts from gambling fortunately and still have some savings. I have not lost everything but was heading that way if I continued.
Since banning myself I have felt relief and free but I have a contstant feeling of pain, regret and just a numbness. How long will this last I dont know?Â
I know if I focus and work I will recover all my losses through honest hard work. Still just cant shake this feeling of regret of losing money I worked so hard to earn
Today has been the toughest yet. Tuesday was my last bet, my last big loss.
While I don't feel the urge to gamble today I feel a lot of regret.
I was betting on football but large stakes on favourites. As we all know the favourite doesn't always win.
The crazy thing is when chasing losses my mind was so warped by gambling. Even before my bet won I was already looking fixtures for the next weeks ahead planning 2 sometimes 3 bets in advance.
Had I not lost on Tuesday the bet I had planned for this weekend would have came in. A very strange feeling. I am happy not to have gambled but feel sick that if i placed the bet I planned I would have won.
I must remember this would have only been a short term win and I would have lost again eventually.
I must remember how bad life was when stuck in the cycle. I couldn't focus on anything, zombie like. I didnt enjoy the things in life I did before. I felt like I constantly had a head ache.
Now I am here, more present and alert to what's going on around me.
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