Today will be known as day one. The day I attempt to get control of my life back.
I am a 34 year old mum of 2 and I have an awesome husband.
I have always struggled with my mental health since 16 and end up with addictions to cope. From 16-18 it was cannabis and magic mushrooms, 18-27 food and holding onto a bad marriage, 27-32 alcohol and since I was 32 it has been gambling.
Gambling was a new thing to me 2 years ago but it seemed like a godsend. I was in a major car accident that I was lucky to survive and I ended up being diagnosed with ptsd. This ptsd coupled with my depression and anxiety has destroyed me.
I don't remember the first time I went on slots but I think it started because I saw a Facebook ad offering free spins. Turns out it was the best distraction ever. Every time I pressed spin on an online slot, I wasn't thinking about my car accident and I wasn't haven't flashbacks.
Fast forward 2 years and I can't stop. I will manage to save money from my wages but soon enough I think 'ooh let's just put it on slots I can double it'. Let's be honest, sometimes I would double it but then I would keep spinning until it was all gone.
That's the problem, it isn't about the winning to me, it is a distraction. That is why I know I have to stop. I WANT to stop.
I work for minimum wage and have been on furlough for most of the last 12 months. I go back to work on Monday so I will be earning more money and tips to be able to start saving again.
This time I won't be keeping hold of the money myself so I won't be able to spend it.
I look forward to adding to this diary daily. Whether it has been a bad day or a good day. I know this is a turning point for me. I have sought out help and I realise there is so much support out there.
I can do this
Hi Bella, was lovely to talk to you last night and I wish you all the best in recovery
Thankyou Debsy. It was great talking, it really helped
Day 2 gf
Spent a bit of time at work today and it was great to get out of the house. No urges to gamble, I just keep thinking about the things I can do when I can save up some money ?
Hi Bella nice to see you in chat .
Im glad you can get back into work ..too keep you busy it helps me going to work
I hope the weather is okay on your first week..and well done on day 2 of no gambling ?
Lou xx
Thankyou, thankfully the weather is looking up!
Day 3 gf
Today I had a bit of a wobble whilst watching a TV show. A guy on the show was a recovering gambler but started gambling again during an undercover fbi operation. Watching him winning was getting me all excited, the kind of feeling I get when I win on slots.
I have to say I am so glad for the blocker on my phone, I knew there was no way I could get on any gambling sites so I just carried on watching and the feeling passed.
I love knowing that even though I only have a bit of money left before payday on Friday, I can't get online and waste it gambling.
47 hour work week ahead and gyms reopening tomorrow so I am going to be busy all the time. Just what I need.
Hi Bella was great to chat with you tonight. You helped me out with some great hits and tips. Best of luck with your recovery and I look forward to chatting to you in the coming weeks and months
stay strong you’ve overcome addictions before you WILL overcome this one too
Hi Stephen, glad I could be of some help. It's been a great few days being able to chat to people online who know my situation.
Hopefully catch up soon.
Have a great week ?
Day 4 gf
Back to work today! Definitely feels good to be back and I am now knackered so I might sleep better tonight!
Not had any thoughts about gambling today which feels great.
Day 5 gf
Short entry just to keep momentum going. No thoughts about gambling today but its been a busy day again so I've been distracted.
Feeling great
Hi Bella
Well done on day 5 your doing amazing, i hope your first week back at work has been okay
Great to see you still checking in
Lou xx
Thanks lou. It has been great but so tiring. Hope you are well x
So here we are on day 10! I have been so busy that I haven't even had a chance to think about gambling.
A colleague of mine actually told me how he had been gambling during lockdown, so we had a bit of a chat about it. It's amazing how many people get trapped in the cycle.
Still so glad I found this website. Even when I don't get time to post or go onto chat rooms, I try and find a few minutes to catch up in the forums.
Take care everybody
Im glad youve been keeping busy Bella and hope youve not been too cold working outside !
Hope to see you soon in a chatroom glad its going well
Loux
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