dazed one

Hey Carla,

Now is the chance for you to really get digging inside you and find those reasons why you want to gamble. No money today, but do you really want to go back there after you get paid? What is it worth? because we all know the outcome. It will get easier darling, day at a time, and you know you want to come out other end. i will be here willing you on..You can do it!!! Just do it and never give up.

have a good day

Stay safe

Sandra x

((( Carla )))

Little tiny steps forward, we do have sh*tty days, but hey...ain't life full of rainbow colours?

Take it easy today

If it helps, just keep posting, ...anything to keep moving forward:)

S x

Thanks and ((S))... Just did my hill climb and starting to feel much better.

Blew my a-ss up big time. Yup to what feels like a mass of diarrhea coming out me ears. Lol lol lol yeah did the nasty and just makes me feel all the nastier. Yeah pay day today and a good thing I paid the bills anyway. Blew $150 though on the stinken slots and drowning me sorrows in a tub of beer about now. Guess the only thing that saved my miserable a-ss is I started a checking account today and tossed $200 into it. Yup couldn't figure out how to get atter till I got home. Lol lol lol still saved meself a $100 to boot but that boot needs to be stuck where the sun don't shine. Lol I'm such a a-ss when it comes to me. Yup just marked me calendar with a big gray zero with a minus $150 inside it.

As always, I lament my lack of progress. I think maybe I am still setting the bar too high, getting overwhelmed and quit (on the day) too early. Got me thinking again to set more achieveable targets (in addition to staying out of the casino, of course). Watched another vid which had an impact (at least for now).... visualize where I want to be... so I did that and did manage to get my hill climb in yesterday which initially made me feel better, but then my ears started aching... was a cold wind blowing and should have had a hat (but hate wearing hats). Vision for today will be to transfer potted herbs into ground, get final outside watering done, put hose, pots, etc. away for the winter. Perhaps should have started visualizing yesterday. Change rituals slowly but consistently. Forced myself to jump out of bed upon waking rather than snoozin' more. Yay me. Pat on back.

Yo Carla

Have been a tad slack of late, down in the dumps i guess!

But hai, still very much willing you on. We're all very much in this together. Keep visualizing Carla. Life is good, just have to find that key.

Sending you some virtual pats on the back

Xx

Thank you Paul.

Evening here now and hoping my diary gets buried by tomorrow. So angry with myself and humiliated again but feel I owe it to those who are courageous enough to be honest on this forum after s******g up repeatedly, to also be honest myself... and want to keep at least one promise to self which was not to lie here. Did nothing I said I would today (and didn't visualize)... instead checked my account to see if that bond money went in and it did. Had 600 in account, bought a carton of smokes and thought... hmmmm I could spare a hundred and be ok until month's end. Then I went to the casino and promptly lost ALL that was in my account leaving nothing for food, beer or pot (both of which I'm almost out of), or the automatic debits for house and car insurance which come out right away. Man, I've got it bad and I don't really know why I did that other than it seems to be what I always do the instant I have money. Funny thing is, I managed to block the feelings around this very dire situation for most of the day and only ever seem to "feel" when I'm here writing. But, I did call that one friend while still at the casino, asked to come over to see her and asked if she would take control of my finances. She's willing to help... doesn't live that close to me but I have a car and will figure out a way to make it work... must figure it out. It's also very clear that I must do more so I will make some calls tomorrow for the free 5 day detox and/or the free 5 day gambling intensive program... both residential programs. Lied to my renter and got her to pay Nov rent early as I offered 50 dollars off her rent. Automatic debits for insurance now won't bounce back (thank God 'cause that would have been twice). So exhausted now. Have my work cut out for me tomorrow. Really scared about the residential programs but really, no alternative. I'm sick of myself....again....well, maybe still is a better description.

Hi Carla,

I think it took a lot of courage to write about your slip. Of course I am sorry to hear about it and can only say I have been there so many times myself. What I have learned is to not park myself in a place of guilt and shame because our addictions just feed off of that. For me it has been a road with a lot of twists, turns, and potholes. Never give up Carla. Just keep on rolling. Willing you tons of strength. -joanxxx

Hey Carla,

Brave post from brave woman. But do you see, what there is something good coming out from recent events. You got the determination to hand over your money to your friend. It might took you to go to the casino to realize that, but you actually made that step forward.

You will sort it out darling. We are here to support you on a way.

Stay strong and send you hugs

Hang in there (((( C ))))

Sandra x

Good on you Carla

Firstly for coming here and talking about your slip and secondly in having the courage in seeking out a friend. Showing a real strength there.

We really do need to fill this void and in this recovery I think just like myself, that we're scratching at the surface. I think we have this bravado that we can master these pit falls by ourselves, but we cant Carla. We need support and understanding, this forum is superb but also important to continue in any support groups your in.

I don't have to be 3d to know what a good person you are, just got to believe it for yourself. We both need to start liking ourselves and realising we very much worth it and that both people and the world is a wonderful place. Like in every thing there is good and bad, just need to find the good and be wary of the bad.

Wishing you well Carla and the challenge for this week end is to enjoy, no isolation, have the company of a pal. Lets have a weekend off this head S***e, we can always resume on Monday.

Take care

Thanks so much Joan, Sandra and Paul. Your support and encouragement is truly appreciated. Had a rather rough day today so I'm completely whipped but hanging in there and didn't gamble even though I had money. Will post more tomorrow.

Do feel blessed to "know' some people on this forum and yes, some here may "know" me better than some, or maybe even most, in real life do. I really should have been a Hollywood actress as I'm sure I would win awards. The face I put on to most people in the "real" world is so far from what I feel inside most of the time. Dentist appt this morning. Had to cancel a bit of major work due to lack of funds but benefits still cover checkup and cleaning. Very grateful for that. Had quite the emotional day yesterday and tears actually flowed freely several times throughout the day... and of course, that had to happen while on the phone speaking with someone at the addiction centre. They're so patient. In the end, I didn't get anything sorted but I did get the ball rolling. Govt beaurocracy is so frustrating and I spent a good chunk of the day either on hold or waiting for yet another incorrect person to return my call. In the end, 4 P.m. hit and I was told they'd call me back on Monday. The addictions counsellor I spoke with didn't think the 5 day gambling intensive was enough and thought it would be a duplicate of what I'm already doing at another agency and through the support groups. He figured I need to do a 19 day residential program they run but it costs money. When I explained that I don't have any, he said there just might be a possibility of working out a payment plan over a long term so I am waiting to talk to a business manager on Monday. Also would have to have a physical and will have to try to get doctor to do that asap (usually have to wait a couple of months for physical exams). Load of paperwork to be done too... 15 pages for me to fill out. My printer is broken but doctor's office agreed to print out the forms which I said I would pickup on Monday. Will continue to proceed with all of this preparation even though I still don't even know if it's a viable option, but hopefully can get it sorted by Monday. Scared... and mostly about how I will hide it from my renters and from my work who keeps checking in with me (trying to get me to disclose what is going on) under the guise that they care which I know is a load of BS. Also called friend who said she'd handle my money to update her and was dismayed to sense a turnaround in her feelings about that. She didn't come right out and say she doesn't want to do it but kept making comments like "well, you know there will probably be times you need money for food and I won't be here"... that sort of thing. Will have to think on this some more and possibly find an alternative but who?? Sigh. No time to catch up on other diaries now... must jump in shower and get to dentist. Did work off some of my frustration by digging in the garden yesterday. Good for me because I had the money from my renter which could have been blown. Later.

Reasonably good day yesterday... at least the second half. Oh, the yoyo emotions of an addict! Managed to go two days gamble free even though I have a bit of money. Doesn't sound like much but I think in the past I've only ever managed one day when having access to money. Good talk with my neighbour last night and she is willing to help take control of my finances though she will be leaving at the end of January for Mexico for a few months. She said she's sure her husband would be willing to take over after that if needed. I chat with him over the fence quite often and do like both of them, strange as they are to me. Thinking about taking responsibility for my situation.... the S***e life throws at us or what we do to ourselves? Have come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter. I believe I am who I am largely due to my upbringing and a number of childhood events and I know a lot of S***e was thrown my way which I should not have had to deal with during formative years (or ever). There are some things nobody should have to deal with. Though gambling occurred, it wasn't a focus in my early years but I did get in to the drug scene at a very young age... was smoking cigs, drinking and dropped acid for the first time at the tender age of 13. Wow. Thankfully, I didn't carry on with hard drugs but did overdo it on alcohol and pot and it was to escape aspects of my homelife (and don't want to be too hard on my folks... they did love me and would have died for me if they had to but they also made some very serious mistakes as did other adults in my life at that time). But the reality is that things do happen and we can't spend our lives blaming others or we will be victims forever. So at some point, we have to take responsibility for ourselves and our responses to life's difficulties. Maya Angelou says "When you know better, you do better" and I think I'm slowly, oh sooooo slowly learning to know and do better. Triggers... need to learn more about that but did have a bit of an epiphany yesterday. That foreigner I helped last week who had dental and medical problems is a colleague who is now also put off work by the doctor. She is here on an exchange and is really having difficulty adjusting (as anyone would because the system I work in is so messed up and demanding and challenging with little support given ). She phoned me yesterday as we've become quite close because I help her whenever I can at work or getting groceries (she has no car) and she really needed to vent. I suddenly realized that I had gone to the fridge to grab a beer and had already downed half of it, felt how tense I was in my body after only about 5 minutes conversation about work. I didn't even really want the beer and realized how robotic my actions are ... often. I definitely need to develop more awareness about my triggers and responses.. and sometimes not just triggers but simply bad habit. Another thing... realizing how hypersensitive I can be . When someone is experiencing sadness, trauma, or whatever I think I almost over empathize. It's almost like it's actually happening to me. Not sure what that's about. Boundaries? Or when I read negative comments on the forum, I immediately start wondering if they're directed at me. Silly. Need to work on that I guess and take what I can and leave what is not useful to me behind. Do want to say, though, that I appreciate food for thought and don't want people to be afraid to challenge my thinking. Sometimes I need to take time to think things over but I appreciate directness when the intention behind it is good and honest. Dreading tomorrow and the further planning for residential treatment. In the wise words of one of my idols, so many rivers to cross.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGeCeK85sUg

Good evening Carla

Good on you for having neighbour round. Even more so in asking for helping with your finances. All part of the process in regaining not just our future but also in regaining responsibility of ourselves.

Can so relate to your early years, for me was switching between alcohol/ pot and the odd dabble enroute to my primary of gambling. Pretty much kept a simmering lid on the drink/doob but can see the former trying to take place of my gambling. Switching cruthches hai!

Does go to show what a caring person you are in your other emphasizing with regards to others feelings, a quality! Yet,possibly that's one of our biggest challenges ie getting our own emotions in check before we can take others on board.

Keep scratching deeper Carla, get some days going gambling free and you've got this London bud willing you on.

Hey Carla...

Thank you for posting on my diary and I am hoping Mr Lovett is all I imagined in real life as he just seems so kind and a gentle giant..

I love that song from Stuart Little...

Looks like you are a big music fan too which I think shows that no matter what befalls us we can always tap into something that stirs our souls ...

My dairy I know is heavy going some days ...lately things popping up from my old days of meetings that have finally sunk in..

I know you are looking at going into some intensive treatment which I think is a very brave step and one that takes a lot of guts to do.

As V just said you are a very caring person and despite your own troubles you always get on here and give to others by way of support ...

Reminds me of the late Princess of Wales favourite quote...

When life is mainly froth and bubble

Two things stand alone

Kindness in another's trouble

Courage in your own...

I'm still working on the kindness bit as my patience in work is at an all time low....just hibernating..But I shall bask in your kindness Carla ! Xxx

I shall look out for your posts and keep following your diary and progress. Keep on keeping on

R and D xx