Hello Carla from Finland.
I see you are getting on with life, sorry i have been away, to be hnoest its been a hell hole where i have been 🙁 anyhow today is day 6 for me without gamling. I will make longer post to you when i have time. I travel back to the UK on Friday after business and seeing my 2 children who are 1/2 finnish.
Best wishes and continued strength to you.
Dark Place
As always, the support on this forum is invaluable. I'm so glad the weather in this part of the world is allowing me to get things done outside, not that I'm overzealous, rather very slow but feel good that I'm doing a few things which have been neglected too long. Feel a bit anxious, though, and hope I don't have to wait too long for a call back from that program. Should things work out with the financing and I'm able to go, I will have to find a way to remain drug and alcohol free for at least 5 days before entering.... will be a challenge and may have to go to detox prior to start of program. Have not bought anymore pot and only have the teeniest P**f left. I'm expecting some sleepless nights in the near future. I don't do sleep deprivation very well! Managed to do my hill climb yesterday. Have done that a number of times now and leg and b**t muscles aren't getting nearly as sore as before but I sure get winded. Hate cardio exercise (which surely means I need it) and am so glad my nephew loaded up my ipod with fantastic tunes... don't think I could do the up treks without the music spurring me on. Rather surprised that I've kept it up as long as I have. Didn't gamble yesterday and still have acess to the dough. Three days with money access is a record for me which I'm determined to keep up. Need to cook today as I haven't been eating as much as I should, purely out of laziness. Risotto! Off to face the day...
Well hope all works out for ya with program and ya hear from them soon. Hell I'd go that route to if i could but yeah having to flip for the bill is another story. LOL got insurance and though compared to most is good would still leave me with a hell of a bill. Guess the last thing i need right now is more debt and leave it to a last resort. Hell thinking of setting up some sort of counseling down the line rather than inpatient I guess. Need to clear away some of the debt though. All comes down to money and yeah shouldn't be a issue if it weren't for the casino. Guess i got all the bad habits out there short of the pot one. Yeah that stuff just makes my head crazy with paranoia. LOL though looks like it could be legal here in more states. Wanna say 3 have legalized it and boy my kids will be doing the happy dance if it is. LOL LOL LOL
Hey Carla,
First of all, well done on ur 3 days g free with having access to cash...that's very good...little steps..remember?
Thank you so much for your post the other day..you know how much it means.....ppl understand and i haven't got words to express how much i appreciate it.
Doing good darling..i shall catch up with you later on.... need some slerp first lol...:-) thanx for everything x
Sandra x
Not well done. Bad day. I did try. Maybe I belong on the street ... it's where I'm headed. 28 bucks to live on until the end of the month.... can't be done.
Morning Carla.
Cold and dark here in old blighty, yet hoping for some blue sky's. And hoping your mood at present goes the same way.
Just embarking to work, but willing you on.
Any thing can be done Carla, dig deep for that belief in your self and strength.
(((C)))
Hi Carla,
Stay strong. No one... And I mean no one! Deserves to be on the streets.
Keep positive and Go again. You can do it! I hope your programme goes well.
Have a good day.
Hanz
Carla.
thanks for the posts upon my thread, I will take any advice I can to stop the knee pain, may start using the tumeric instead of salt lol.
I hope the focus you have found in recent times sees you find yourself being helped on the many levels you need and want it.
I hope it does'nt end in you losing your home, the depths that addiction will take us seem bottomless.
Hang on to that resolve you have gifted yourself.
Best wishes
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Hi Carla,
You are strong lady and you will come out the other end. You have to believe in yourself. Please keep posting if it helps, we are here and allways be here for you.
You can do it
Sandra x
None of that cr-ap now, we've all been there before and the battle is just beginning.
None of that cra-P now and and yeah we've all been there before. It's not over just beginning. https://www.youtube.com/watch…;feature=youtube_gdata_player
Thanks, all... hanging on... massively despondent now... 2;30 and finally decided to get dressed... forcing a climb.... must dare to change my way of caring about myself....
Feeling better... more hopeful. Climbing is good for me. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that I now have so little to live on til month's end... sure didn't smoke much today and it wasn't all that hard. Tonight will be my first night in many, many years without my sleep aid. I can do this.
Yeah you can do this. Hell mader through 24 hours without that smokey treats. Yeah the more I sneak the dam things the harder it is to turn up that nose at em and I'm jonesing. LOL hang in there girl. Off to work with my miserable a-ss. Have a good night.
Have been doing a fair bit of thinking and I've come to the conclusion that I do want to change but I seem to want it to happen by magic. I live in a fantasy world for pretty much every aspect of life instead of dealing with what is. While occasionally positive, overall I think I have a defeatist attitude. I both consciously and subconsciously tell myself "I can't" or "It's too difficult" far too often. I read and read and know so much of what I should be doing but truly my efforts are usually only half hearted or I'll try hard for about a millisecond and then give up. I convince myself that I try hard but do I really? No. I don't. And why is that? I believe it's as I once said before... I'm not certain that life will be any better for me without my vices. I have to examine those beliefs. Instead of thinking well, I've always been lonely or I've always been depressed so if I quit my vices, I'll just be lonely and depressed without anything to lean on, I need to change those thoughts and beliefs and give it a chance. As I got in to most of my vices at a very early age, maybe my emotional development was arrested long, long ago. (Dr. Phil talks about that and much as I hate that arrogant btard, he sometimes has things of value to say). What progress have I made in the two months I've been off work? Very little other than doing a little ground work, I guess. I've planted seeds but haven't watered or weeded. Need to stop feeding the bad wolves and start feeding the good. *** *** climb today. Didn't hear back from residential program people and am starting to think that perhaps I won't do it. I don't need another 1000 debt. BUT, I do realize how serious and bleak my situation is so will renew my commitment to work harder... much harder...work authentically toward my goals. I will give abstinence a chance at improving my life but I think I also have to really examine my limiting beliefs. There are many miserable people out there without vices and what good is abstinence if I'm still unhappy? Well, I suppose I'd be healthier and have more money but my goals need to go beyond that. I want to be happy. Part of that means I must learn patience, discipline and tenacity. Last night was my first night in years and years where I abstained from both alcohol and weed. No funds = no gambling too. I was restless but did finally manage to get to sleep. Weaning myself from cigs. Have been up for 2.5 hours now and normally would have smoked about 8 or so by now. Have had one. I can do this.
Where will I be when that trumpet sounds?
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