dazed one

Carla,

The below words from your last post are very powerful to me:

"I will give abstinence a chance at improving my life but I think I also have to really examine my limiting beliefs. There are many miserable people out there without vices and what good is abstinence if I'm still unhappy? Well, I suppose I'd be healthier and have more money but my goals need to go beyond that. I want to be happy. Part of that means I must learn patience, discipline and tenacity."

As addicts, we need to think very deeply about this addiction. Sure, abstinence is important. But what is even more important is to be happy. To understand what it is that is making us gamble in the first place. What makes us keep on going back to this terrible thing which can only breed unhappiness and misery? A great post Carla and I'm looking forward to hearing more from you on this journey.

Hi Carla... I totally relate to your thoughts. I have some abstinence behind me and its true that I am healthier and fitter and I have "a bit" more money or atleast I am not up to my eye balls in debt but am I happy... not really, not yet, I have hope though. Its like I am stable and I am coping but am certainly not thriving. I feel good that I haven't gambled for a while but its not living life as you suggest, merely the act of not gambling I mean.

I ponder the answer to what makes me happy and I suppose the answer is complex. The last few days I think to myself, well if I was loved up... would that make me happy??... maybe for a while it would yes, but I think longer term the answer lies within oneself and in finding meaning and purpose, and having goals to work towards and enjoying the process of working towards those goals. Running is one of mine.

I guess for a lot of people its also family that keeps them sane, keeps them on a level, stops them jumping into the abyss. There is a woman at my work who has gone over the edge and is off with stress as of today, but then judging by what she's been writing on facebook this evening, she will be ok, cos she has her family right behind her and they will help her through the tough times.

Anyway I appreciate your thoughts. Thank you for sharing them. Take care now, things do have a habit of working out... S.A 🙂

Hey Carla,

Very honest post and i can see determination shining through. You are good lady and will come out the other end, it's never too late:-)

As for peacful sleep...yea i know that feeling when i thought i couldn't sleep without having a spliff...but it's all in ur head..it will pass ( passed for me - 4 years clean;-)) prefer cup of green tea now instead!!

You doing well girl...just keep moving forward 🙂

((((Carla))))

Take care

Sandra x

Thanks, folks.

Another day. Yesterday, I set my primary goals to be making it through the day sans alcohol, pot, and on minimal ciggies, and needless to say, no gambling. I allowed myself 10 smokes and can't believe I'm able to report that I only had 6! Normally I smoke between 30-40 per day. In the end, met all my goals by busying myself with climbing and then yardwork (raking leaves/grass) and was utterly knackered (don't hear that word in my part of the world much but I love it) by 5 P.m. It was all I could do to stay awake but I got up when I felt myself dozing off. Should have just slept then because I had a dreadful night of tossing and turning. Still, feel good for what I accomplished. I will do this. It's high time I started making real progress. So many thoughts going round in this head today stimulated by others' posts but too hungry to write more now (been up 8 hours already) so maybe later.

Hey Carla,

Very glad to read ur positive post...slowly slowly you will get there.you are surely on the right track:-)

Your support is much appreciated and just to let you know i will always be here listening and hopefully giving you some advice if you find them helpful.

Take care

Day at a time

Sandra x

Goals... Dreams....

I used to have goals and dreams but addictions took over. No. I've had goals and dreams which I've achieved but they weren't really my own and they weren't notable or specific. Things like my parents pounding into my head how important it was that I have some post-secondary education... Learn something my mother always used to say. Never really believed in myself and always underachieved in school. I think I was afraid to really try. If I acted like I didn't care or became the class clown, I could have an excuse for my lousy marks. I grew up in a home where I was told I could do anything but at the same time I was constantly told I was an idiot. I believed the latter. Barely out of primary school and I jumped right into using alcohol/drugs/smoking. Made me feel significant, I suppose. Eventually upgraded and made it to uni graduating as one of the top of class, but still felt like an idiot. And the uni route I chose was still one of the easier programs to get into, rather than thinking of what I really wanted, because I'd always believed I'd fail. Idiot. Still say that to myself far too often and really must stop. Teary now and want to reach for beer and a cig but WON"T. So many years of deadening my feelings that now I'm not sure I can ever reach a happy state. Haven't had goals or dreams for years. Gave up on life and just putting in time. Hell, I can't even remember the last time I had a dream while sleeping. Brain messed up, I guess, by chemicals. But as I said in previous post, I will give abstinence a chance. Right now I realize that I don't have clarity about anything due to addictions. Maybe my feelings will change once I have some abstinence under my belt. Can always take up my vices again in a few years if my life doesn't improve... lol... I really feel a shift this time round. I will give up gambling for good, alcohol and pot completely until the beginning of Dec (at which point I will start only using it in social situations rather than to escape... though could turn out that pot may go altogether), weaning off cigs with the goal to quit entirely by Nov. 1. May not climb or rake today. Too sore. Make some granola, girl! You've had the stuff sitting on the counter long enough!

oops... almost forgot my song today..many tried to tell me but I didn't listen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJlN9jdQFSc

Identify with so much in your last post. Sometimes think brain too addled to function any more but somehow it just does and in between the S***e are the good days.

You gotta have a dream.

http://youtu.be/cU5stPus7PA

xxx

Think I'm doing fairly well lately in the fight for myself... but def have things I need to think about that.

Hi Carla,

It sounds like you are giving it a right good go and succeeding ! You have university degree? That's a lot better than what i have and puts you in the top 20%! You should be really proud of that and not put yourself down Carla...a degree is a degree.

Anyways, I hope today treats your well and remain positive.

Hanz.

Carla, Please never apologize to me. We have good days and bad days...but eventually we will come out the other end...always forwards.

Have a nice weekend

Thank you for being here

(((C)))

S x

Hope all is good with ya. Yup got them things to sit down and think about too. Guess my problem is I sooner stuff them under the rug and forget. Seems they pile up big time though and need a bigger rug. LOL if it was that easy hey.

Hey Carla,

Just caught up on your diary, your very honest and although you have had a couple of slips your still here and haven't given up, that says a lot about your character 🙂

Get rid of them finances ASAP, it's the best way. It's seems with available money you don't cope well, so don't have any available money!

Your doing the right thing with the pot, best to give it up 100% (not good at taking my own advice!) I was told by a fellow forum member that he had to give up everything pot, alcohol all drugs before he was successful at stopping gambling. I suppose it's about clearing your mind to give you the best chance. At least your giving it a go unlike me.

I always feel guilty when you post on my diary then I disappear, like you have invested time in me and I haven't had the manners to reply, sorry about that. I haven't gambled since my last post but haven't done much for my recovery either (apart from a few GA meetings)

Still find it amazing how similar we and many others are, suppose it's the addictive personalities.

Thank you for the support, and just keep being you, with a little faith in ourselves we will be ok.

Shoot Carla

We're on exactly the same path in this journey of ours.

Can so relate to your earlier years even to the extent of post second education. Have been thinking with regard to myself that my control mechanisms have been out of control since very earlydys. When either top of class or work, have flown, yet when im not have been resentful and acted the clown.

Thought uncanny during week when reading you going with out a beer leveller or sleepy pot, 1st time for long time. Well me too. Enoughs enough Carla, we're not stupid just lost, not only in esteem.

Standing shoulder to shoulder with you Carla and slowly learning what unconditional means. We all need a bud, we're taking a drastic turn in our misguided journeys and always wishing you all the very best.

Happy happy happy to hear from my gammy buds... full of nervous energy and running on almost no sleep from abstaining... was gonna write more but feel like a wild horse straining to break free so need to release this energy physically... going for long walk... later!

f-ck. f-ck. f-ck. Just found out sister has breast cancer... and it's a big tumour. If I could take it away from her and have it be me, I would. I will not cave. I will not cave. I'm crying so hard but I will make my sister proud. She worries agout me so much. I may have an extra smoke or two today but I will not gamble and I will not drink and I will not smoke pot. Brother in law is wiring money into my account so I can drive there because I have no money for gas for my car. Be strong people, for me because I worry about you too... not sure if I go today but he wants me there after the weekend... Tues or Wed for sure. Please folks... be strong.