dazed one

Hello Carla

Be strong for your sis hai. A curve ball for both you and your sister to negotiate. Keep true and March on, no crutches needed, your turning a corner.

Thoughts are with you.

Thanks, Soul.

Dreams and superpowers....

Sure was quite the day yesterday. Had a long, long walk. Had a long, long phone call with sis. And another long, long one with a friend I've not spoken with in a while. Told her a lot of what's going on as she already knew. Felt good to offload a lot of that emotion. Wasn't going to tell sis about my abstaining plan (and successs this week) quite yet, but knew it would make her feel better so I did. She didn't want me to know of her cancer because she figured it would drive me to the casino but truly, it's only made me more determined to succeed. Want to make her proud. Did go slightly over my cigarette goal yesterday but didn't give in to the other vices and so felt good about that. Felt completely exhausted by day's end and could barely keep eyes open... yet, when I went up to bed, I couldn't sleep. Go figure! So... again dragging b**t. Will head to sis's city tomorrow as I feel she needs some time alone with her hubby to wrap her head around what's happening to her. Silly but started thinking about my baby finger which has been numb for a good year now and the numbness getting worse in the past couple of months. I'm quite good at ignoring physical pain and blocking discomfort in my body. Must remember to bring it up with doc next appointment. Have read so much in various diaries here that stimulate me to think but the thoughts whirl around and jump from one to another so quickly and without pause that I can't seem to process them the way I want to. Have not been able to quiet my brain for a long time and it's only gotten worse the past few days as I abstain from my many vices. Normal, I suppose. Maybe my brain just needs a rest. Came across something in my horoscope today that also got me thinking. It posed the question "If you could choose a superpower to possess, what would it be?" and suggested that I think deeply about this as it could be related to significant things I could potentially achieve in life. And so I thought.... Hmmmm... remembered recurring childhood dreams... one of being able to fly with my flying machine/suit when I was a kid (and hehehe... I now see that a new Hollywood movie is about to use my invention). Nope. Not powerful enough. More dreams I often had was having super strong muscles and agility to fight bad guys and I'd rescue people in trouble. What a hero I was and how I loved to bask in the accolades I'd receive for saving the day! I think I wanted so bad to feel significant as a kid because I didn't. (Note: also had recurring nightmares of bad guys chasing me and I was without superpowers and gripped with fear. Try as I might, my legs wouldn't seem to work and the bad guys were always right behind me. I'd wake with a start before they caught me.) Nope. As I got a little older, I'd dream of having super-duper hearing and/or ability to read people's thoughts and/or telepathic powers. I think my resentments about life were growing and I wanted revenge. I wanted to put bad and evil people in their place and still be perceived as a hero. I loved Steven King's, "Carrie" and went to see it more than once. (And as a silly aside, I loved "Jesus Christ Superstar" even more and saw it about 25 times... nuts.. but Ted Neely was so darn cute). Anyway, back to superpowers... All of the aforementioned would be very cool to have but I think maybe I'd go for the ability to heal people... internally and externally. Why? Maybe because then it would be easier to heal myself? I could make the world a better place? I'd still be able to get that feeling of significance? Dunno for sure. Think I'll think about superpowers some more. Hope everyone has a good day/night depending on where you are. Need to get out of my head a bit today. Remake of Carrie coming. Loved this when I first saw it. Have always loved practical jokes and done a few good ones in my time. Craving the adrenaline rush, I guess! And yeah, if I was involved in creating this prank, I would be very concerned about hurting innocent folk so would never really do it, but actually think I'd like it played on me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0YacdEeFUY

Well, was starting to put this on diaries of some folk, but really, let's all lean on each other.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJZ3bcPr-Ds

Yet another curveball... neighbour now says she won't hold my card. Still won't give in! Will figure something or other out.

Hey Carla

Thank you for the drive by....yes ..can also relate to your film choice of Carrie , the dynamic between mother and daughter and the tension I can relate to very well from being a kid ...

I'm about as supernatural and psychic as a brick but wish I had powers of red laser eyes that kill with one stare..lol

I guess it's ok to think these things so long as we don't act on them....always trying to get as handle on vengeful thoughts which don't of away ( think it's my Scorpionic side ) lol ...

Don't want to say too much about your sis as I know your hurting only to say that I know you will be as determined as ever to support her and that your kindness will win over any urges...

R and D xx

Yeah wish I had someone to help me out with that cr-ap too. It's hard but not impossible I guess. Head to the grind stone till we come to some brains I guess. LOL

Hope ya have a good visit with your sister.

That's it girl!! That's the fighter talk 🙂

Of course you will sort something out, you are strong lady and already seeing benefits from kicking this addiction back in a teeth!!

Hope you will have a safe journey round your sis and my thoughts are with you.

((( Carla )))

S x

Thanks V, Rach, Sandra, Soul...

Not doing too bad this end. For some reason have a very weird taste in my mouth (literally) yesterday and today. Brushing, mints, etc. nothing will get rid of it. Wondered if it's my stomach acid but don't feel anything there. Pills doc gave seem to be working. Something to do with abstaining? It's not gross and temporarily leaves when I eat but then returns. No idea. Tired of it. Just wish it would go away! Snow finally came here and sis's city was hit bad yesterday. Decided not to travel there quite yet not to mention that I am supposed to get permission to leave from work health people. The good news is that it's not supposed to stay. Maybe tomorrow or Tues the highway of death will be dry. Nice lunch with two colleagues yesterday who say they miss me terribly. Feels good. Super people. Getting so much support here and from friends. Helps. Killing myself with exercise now. As I want to stick with my smoking cessation plan and have smokes in the house, I am often throwing the headphones on and heading out the door to walk... and walk... to avoid the cancer sticks. Bazillion kilometres travelled by now and I feel it. Legs are so sore. Can't believe how hard I'm pushing this very out of shape body. Lucky I have a body that responds quickly to exercise. Think, had I not adopted the lifestyle I have these many years, I could have been some athlete, not that I've ever wanted that but would like to be fit again. Came back last night after walking hours on end to hear of the snow to come. Carrots were still in ground and it was the last thing I wanted to do but I managed to dig them up before total darkness set in. Left them sitting in a bucket of water so now will have to find the motivation to clean them. Laundry too. Sooooo tired from this sleep deprivation which continues. It's been a full 6 days now without alcohol or pot (and proud to say that I didn't order drinks as my colleagues did yesterday... oh, also paid with gift certificate I had from a long time ago. Thankfully, they allowed me to choose the restaurant or I would have had to make excuses). Slept in clothes on sofa last night. All week I would start to fall asleep on sofa, drag my b**t to bed and then ... ZING...wide awake. Thought maybe if I just stayed there I might sleep through the night. NOT. Sigh. Fighting a mightly battle here but sticking to my guns. Weary as I feel, I'm not losing my determination. May collapse on the walking trails and have to crawl, though. No hill climbing. Too slippery with snow. Hungry. Still feel like a salmon swimming upstream but managing to avoid the bears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vv12LfETxe0

Well loved those links girl. LOL LOL LOL animals are just stinken funny. Snow already that sucks. Exercise is great for the body and mind. And yeah about the only thing I got at was the shower and laundry. Got a dirty garage calling my name but got my fingers in my ears. LOL

Hey Carla,

Thanx for the post:-)

Snow??? d**n girl...well saying that..my parents had some snow back in Lithuania...weird weather...i heard it's gonna be ever so cold winter in UK too this year..

Better get my wollen hat ready lol

I am very happy you start finding the balance in your life. I know it's not easy..especially if you have to tackle other harmful addictions...but hey..girl...everything is possible.

And you are real fighter...why not to try a cup of green tea before sleep ( not the one you might think of lol) but you know what i mean..or warm milk and honey....what would help i'm sure..rest and sleep is VERY important in this recovery..it's all to do with peace of mind..i see you doing well with ur excercise routine...legs will ache...but it will pass...same as bloody urges:-)

Hope you have a good day darling

We are here for you if you need us

S x

Hi Carla

Great to see you are doing fine, lots of challenges still but i guess those will never leave us or they will just change to something else !

I had a good time in Finland, very tired after the trip but enjoyable at the same time. My children are growing up quickly, time goes so quickly ! another good reeason why we should keep well away from gambling, it destroys our souls !

Anyhow, keep strong Carla and i am back and should be more active now on here. Take Care , Dark Place

Thanks Soul, Sandra, DP. Well... miracle of miracles, I finally got some sleep. Actually only woke once during the night. I did however, wake up feeling weepy with the usual whirling negative thoughts in my head. Resentments. Work resentments, friend resentments, family resentments... resentments about pretty much every aspect of my life. I have managed to pull myself into a better headspace... at least for now. I really have to start getting a bit more productive in terms of things around the house and slowly wrapping my head around the idea of going back to work and how I'll handle that. Heard so much negativity from colleagues lately.... dreading the return and have to learn to handle things better. Need to learn to become more focused instead of these manic fleeting thoughts. Thoughts going out to sis who is at the doctor as I type (with husband). So scary. Brother in law can be an a-ss. Money still not in account but he promised me he would deal with it today. Why on earth did he call me Friday, tell me he was at the bank, and lead me to believe it was being done? Makes me quite furious and I understand what my sis has been dealing with these many years. She too has held so many resentments inside her and now she's sick. I do love my bro in law but so wish he could be more sensitive and less selfish. Have to contact work for permission to travel, even though it's only a 3 hour drive away. Had a few cigs over my limit yesterday. Still didn't gamble, no booze, no dope. That's one full week now. Hooray.

o*g... just heard the news here about the storm you guys had in the UK. Sending prayers over the pond that everyone is alright and also haven't experienced property damage.

Hey Carla,

Fantastic..cought up on some needed sleep..few more days like that and you will feel like newborn person:-)

Sorry to hear you are not able to visit your sister yet..i really hope money will come through today and you can set off.

Take care girl and keep fighting the good fight:-)

S x

P.s.UK still standing but surely some damage done ...i pray for poor souls too xx

Just wanted to say really appreciate the post particularly as you have not posted to me before.

It is difficult to know how many people read my diary and what they interpret from it. I do make assumptions about not getting posts meaning people arent reading and dont care. Thats probably wrong at times and in reverse I have learnt to only read diaries which I can relate to and which help and and from people I can communicate with. Unfortunately I find many diaries too generic and not topical of the subject but I am trying to avoid comment on this too much now as I have said my piece. I also find it difficult to post on other diaries giving advice sometimes as not many appreciate and agree with my strategy of continuing to gamble in areas which do not give me problems. I have sometimes found I post to a new user and someone else does and the advice is in conflict so I just bow to the majority and accept its best for most and probably for that new user to look towards complete abstinence.

Anyway seems like we have something in common as we have hurt others emotionally (I have also hurt them by being deceitful and dishonest and thats the bit hitting hardest at the moment - its not the real me and I dont know if I can ever prove that. It was the addiction controlling me ).

We cant change the past so can only look forward and resolve never to let the illness control us again and be the people we should be and can be every day and especially with those who we have hurt in whatever way.

Best wishes