dazed one

Ha ha ha Carla...Don't u think it's enough Rachels threats to send me in a corner rocking lol 😀

Thanx so much for ur "encouraging " post darling...how could i leave one of my guardian angels??

And...what's going on with ur post there? I hope u didn't forget to breath while typing:-)

Darling we all have sh*tty days, for example yesterday i felt so down...i don't even want to mention it...but magic happened and after work i logged in here...and guess what...jeez this site is so helpful it's unreal.

I really wish you to find the calm balance within urself girl...i know it's not easy, but really helps. Think positive, sister OK, you don't gamble, you got roof under your head, food ( not only seeds i hope :-)...) and you got us....:-D yep..you will never run away from us lol

Now give us a smile and a big roar to say you keeping up in front line of the battle field with all of us soldiers fighting for the freedom!!!

Take care and wish you calm sleeps when you go to bed

S x

Well, whaddaya know! I actually slept for more than 20 minutes at a time last night. I only woke once during the night and managed to get almost 7 hours in total. I still feel anxious. (Notice, I'm trying to use "I").--------- Just had a call from my dentist's office. The sweet little receptionist told me that I won the electric toothbrush! I always enter the draw each year and she told me that she rigged the draw because she wanted me to win and not to tell anyone! Too funny, though, I feel a bit guilty. I said I'd prob pick it up Wednesday.-----It just occurred to me that I haven't had any leg cramps in a long time now and I used to get them pretty much nightly. I wonder if the alcohol had something to do with it? Still feel anxious and tense but not nearly as before. Dare I say it's better? Been thinking a bit about self-awareness. We think about things we'd like to change about ourselves but what about the things we're not aware of? And how can we become aware of them sooner if people don't tell us? For example, I don't think I've ever heard anyone say "I'm a really bad driver." Or "I have really bad breath." I think a lot of people think they're quite self aware (like me) when really, they aren't. Had a kazillion thoughts going through my head the last few days which I wanted to write about and now my brain has gone blank. Strange. It must be very tired. S'all for now, I guess.

Hey thanks for dropping by Carla. Much food for thought there. I too wonder if I am as self aware as I think I am.... hmmm -joanxxx

Many thanks for taking an interest in my diary. Hope you are wrong about the likelihood of me becoming complacent and getting sucked back in!

re the 7000 for maintenance, I am determined not to borrow any more and add to my existing debt, just a matter of prioritisng when I spend this money as opposed to reducing a debt. Spending it would make me feel better at home, save me continually using and looking at stuff that badly needs replaced. Just think there are some debts I must pay and make some inroads there first but it's a tough call.

Best wishes

"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Came across this in the gratitude meditation I've been doing. I hope it's true.... See, I still engage in stinkin' thinkin'. I can be way too negative. Today, I've convinced myself that I'm going to get throat cancer. I've had more than an omen or two over the years about the situation I'm in now financially. I remember having a dream after my dad died that he came back to life and knocked on my door. He said he needed his money back but I had gambled it all away. That was long before I spent it all or started accessing the equity in this house but I was starting to worry about my gambling. Another time I needed to book a guest speaker for a group and another lady said she'd do it for me. I left it open as to who she'd get. Well... wait for it.... it was a lady who had gambled everything away. Same lady also booked a speaker for me (anti-smoking) who had contracted throat cancer and had to speak via an electronic larynx. There was another omen I won't bother to write about. Anyway, now, I always have a mildy sore throat (dif than the one I experienced with my flu), though sometimes worse when I've smoked a lot. I try to envision a healthy life but tend to gravitate to the negative too easily. SO... I've decided that I want to start noting something to be grateful for every day and since I'm coming here everyday, will try to remember to add it to my daily (or sometimes multi-daily) entry.

Today's Gratitude Reflection - I'm grateful that I have a voice to use. Maybe I can't sing anymore (vocal cords are in rough shape) but I can still communicate with it (though some, no doubt, probably wish I'd just shut up!). Since I've made the decision to stop smoking, the universe has conspired to help. For example, someone put a fidget gadget thing in my mailbox the other day and it's great for... well... fidgeting! Another time I was so close to caving in and buying some when the phone rang with a call that distracted me for over an hour.

Good Morning Carla

Great post from you about gratitude meditation, this is something i am very much in touch with ! i believe that Karma made a massive correction in my life and attitude, i had everything and lost it all, why ? because i did not look after or appreciate what life's gifts had given me. It has been a sobering experience and continues to be and will always be.

So today i am grateful i have 3 lovely children/good wife and i can eat what i want and that i have found good friends on this site, like YOU Carla. I wont be going anywhere anymore, i am here for you and others and i thank you for your support.

Take care, your friend Dark Place x

Hi Carla... Ive always thought am quite self-aware, but then how do we know for sure?? What is it that we don't know about ourselves that could transform our lives for the better?? Am always interested to know what others think of me, not so that I can defend myself but so I can learn a bit more about myself and maybe better myself.

I find that most people are seldom honest to your face about how and what they truly think. It takes a bit a courage doesn't it, particularly when the person on the receiving end might not like what they say. I like it though even when its negative in flavour. I go home and digest it and try to understand.

Today I am grateful that I have my health, that I have a roof over my head and I have food in my cupboards. Take care... S.A 🙂

I feel almost like I'm slowly starting to come down from a really bad trip. Had another reasonable night waking only once (but did I jinx things 'cause I had leg cramps again?) It feels like the extreme discomfort of longing for all the bad things I crave is starting to ease up. I'm especially happy that my mind is starting to relax a bit more. Don't get me wrong. I'm far, far from where I want to be and still have a lot of tension/racing thoughts/etc. (Hey... always loved a pity party). It just feels somewhat better. I'm sad as my foreigner friends have decided to throw in the towel and go back home. They were supposed to stay here until Christmas but can't take the way they're being treated by the organisation I work for. It's so bad that they even cancelled the vacation they booked which was to take place right before departure to their home. Freaks me out because I have to go back to work in less than 2 weeks, not to mention I've grown to really like them and will miss them terribly. Worse yet, there is a party for them tonight and I can't allow myself to go. I have never in my life had this success with staying away from drink/doob or, even though it's only been a few days... nicotine and I know with certainty that I would blow it tonight so I'm just staying away. FOCUS .... There are so many things I want to get done before I go back to work. They aren't getting done and I'm guilt tripping about that, as usual. My focus has been singular of late and that is battling these nasty addictions (all of them except caffeine and sugar). The withdrawal has been so nasty that it at times, has me curled up in a fetal position on the floor or sitting and rocking like an autistic child. I know that I'd feel so much better in front of a slot machine or smoking a cig or indulging in any of my addictions but I fight... hard. Unfortunately, only physical release seems to help and my mind is just too scattered to do things like the ironing that has sat there for months, or make the granola even though the ingredients have been sitting on the counter for the longest time, or the 10,000 other things I keep telling myself I must do. Or is this just an excuse? Is the problem being overwhelmed? Is the problem my perfectionism? Is the problem my depression? f-ck if I know. Some of the things 'I torture myself about have been on my "to do" list since the 80's!! (Not kidding....Like putting photos in albums) Lack of focus? No... it just came to me. I focus on everything all the time. Lack of DISCIPLINE. That's it! I torture myself constantly and this is not healthy. I used to be disciplined. What happened? I think it was the addictions and maybe also giving in to the loneliness or the two of them feeding each other. And I am finally addressing the addictions... finally. And that's got to be the first step. So I must just lay off of myself. Good that the addictions are being battled with exercise. I really need that too. As my doc has told me with regards to my work... I need to learn to put up my "sh-t shield" so maybe I need to do that with my own negative thoughts too more often.

"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear." - Buddha

Today's gratitude reflection: I'm grateful for my body in general. Much as I like to criticize certain things about it (as most of us do to ourselves), overall, it has served me very well and that despite all of the abuse I've heaped upon it. It has been so resilient and I'm very lucky because it does respond so well to exercise. It's gone through some very hard times and a lot of accidents (I was very accident prone as a kid). It's allowed me to have loads of fun over the years whether tobogganing as a kid or hang-gliding, cycling or just travelling to various corners of the world. It allows me to make a living (by that I just mean going to work!) And mostly... it's going to lead me to a strong and clear mind.

Example of my perfectionism... coming back to this post to edit... forgot to highlight the quote and add the "h" to Buddha! Pfffft

This is the book I never read

These are the words I never said

This is the path I´ll never tread

These are the dreams I´ll dream instead

This is the joy that´s seldom spread

Won't stop searching for the answer to...Why?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG7I4oniOyA

Hey Carla,

Great honest post darling. It's good that the physicall pain from the addictions easing off..your mind will follow..it will get better and easier. Your mind is still racing..so is mine.proof in my last nights posts lol

Sometimes it feels like we going round in cirles in this recovery, but we don't realize that each day we are stepping forward to our freedom. We will get there, i believe we will. It is not the easy fight to fight but cmon girl...i think we should pat ourselves on a back for our achievements so far 🙂

Keep going darling...brave and strong steps ahead. I'm here with you..always

Take care

Sandra x

Hello Carla

Interesting insight in to you in your post, creative writing is a gift ! you have it.

I know i am stating the obvious but if you really can start to tackle some of those items on the to do list, you will feel a whole lot better ! i realised that when i was at the height of my gambling, i had not opened the mail for 4 months !!!! yes 4 months, 95 % of it was people chasing me for money. One by one i wrote to them and agreed a repayment plan ! one of them was for £5 per month on a debt of £57,000.00 yes, shocking isnt it ???? but that's how low you get.

After i had opened all the mail and slowly dealt with my creditors i started to do other things that i had left on hold. It is addictive, DARE i say the word 🙁

Anyhow, only you can decide when and how to stop that ongoing evening slop....

I think you are doing great with the nicotine too, really horible not to be able to attend social events for the fear of lapsing but it is a necessary action to repair yourself.

Well at least my head had not fallen off recently 🙂 i am still walking the walk. Have a great day, Dark Place

By the way, my grattitude for the day is, i can go to the pub drink beer, watch football, play darts and have great laughs with friends :-)))) is that 4 items, am i allowed that 😉

Like your style and enjoying our conversations at the moment. I too have not always been good at following my own advice and that's one of the reasons for not posting on more diaries on here. Other reasons are not finding many who are on same wavelength, not many who share my recovery route and also lately I sometimes get concerned that spending time on here could just replace spending time gambling and whilst that's better financially it's still escaping from real life.

Hi Carla,

Thanks for the post. It is comforting to know that there are other people out there who can appreciate the power of well, other people out there. lol. -joanxxxx

Thanks, folks.

Was very down yesterday, pretty much all day, and try as I might I couldn't seem to pull myself out of it. Had such strong urges and came oh so close to blowing it. I wrote a poem(which I never do)....

Withdrawal

I feel alone.

I feel sad.

I feel angry.

I feel mad.

It was easier not feeling.

Aw geez.... just looked out the window and it's snowing again. Didn't finish yesterday's shovelling.

Found this vid this morning. I think I'd be like the girl near the beginning at 1:05 on the inside but act like the girl at 2:32 on the outside. Cruel as it is, I find it funny. I really am in awe of the kids who seem to take it all in stride and wish I could be more like them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RK-oQfFToVg

Just watched a live broadcast on the net with a guy named Mark Nepo. Never heard of him before but hope to hear more (like when I have money so I can buy books again)... some poet/author fella. Two things he said I found stirred me...

- "To be broken is no reason to see all things as broken." (So maybe I should lay off the "stupid snow", "stupid renter", "stupid ..." stuff)...

and I really liked this one...

- He said we need to learn how to keep asking for what we need only to keep practising living with what we've been given. He explained that the asking for what we need part is necessary in order that we become more intimate with and learn more about ourselves. The living with what we're given part is so that we learn and become intimate with what the things and the world around us offer to us.

I guess in the context of my addictions battles, for me this means that I gambled because I thought I wanted money and lots of it. I wanted to be a big shot. I wanted to be significant. I smoked, drank and partied for a number of reasons... because I wanted to fit in and be cool which might make me feel significant and yet also because I wanted to run away from feelings which centered on being insignificant and powerless. And what did all of those activities give me? Well, let's just say I've never felt more insignificant in my life to the point where I can barely look people in the eye anymore. I learned about the world around me, alright. I learned about dishonesty and deceit. I learned about poverty and so many other dark aspects of life. And the deeper into the world of addictions I went, the darker it got. I really understand the idea of the "walking dead". I learned the hard way that I was/am doing exactly the opposite things needed in order to feel empowered and significant and happy. Now, I can only hope to win the battle over my addictions and more importantly, learn that it's a worthwhile battle.

BIG SIGH. Life, eh?!