dazed one

Hai Carla

Crossing all fingers for you and sis and got a few spares to boot.

Keep busy Carla, keep looking after your self asnd keep working this recovery with the resolve you've got in abundance.

No curve ball is going keep you down.

Strength and good wishes to you

Hi Carla,

I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you at the moment.

Take care

Dave X

Thank you. Thank you all.

Reflecting on progress....VERY proud of myself for abstaining COMPLETELY from alcohol and weed since oct 21. Truth be told, I didn't think in a million years I could do it... no way. Tried so, so many times in the past and always let myself down. I've also done well with the ciggie battle. I've had only three in the last10 days (and no more than 10/day in the days prior and since oct 21) BUT I know I have to be so careful as those 3 I had were all quite recent. Will do my darndest to stop altogether from now on. Have disappointed myself with those gambling slips but I suppose the damage done was minor in comparison to previous slips so big improvement there. Overall, this gal deserves to take a bow. Still worried about my throat and have done nothing about it (in terms of apt with specialist). It's been sore since 2007 and back then, a specialist told me it was only a matter of time before I get throat cancer... hence the worry, esp without crutches to make me forget. Plea to universe... don't let it me too late. I'm finally truly trying to be good! I WILL make that apt today. Less than a week now until I'm back at work. Dreading and worried about that too. And haven't done all those things I promised myself and here I've had 3 frickin months off. But I have a feeling I'm going to be super productive this week. Always have worked best under pressure. Worries, worries, worries. I think it's what I do best! A different drumming group happening tonight and very close to my home. I'll see how today goes. If I get on a roll and actually start doing things around the house, I won't go. If I don't and start the self beratement for being so lazy again... then I'll go. Why is change so, so hard?! Or is it really? We're our own worst enemies. Just shift the attitude and it's easier. But then again, attitude is governed by feelings. I sure find it hard to change/control my feelings. So yeah... change is frickin hard. Gratitude reflection- I have a tendency to b*tch about our medical system a lot but then again, I haven't exactly taken responsibility for my health for many years. I'm grateful that I have access to health care which when compared to many parts of the world, is outstanding. My health benefits through work are also exceptional and I know that if a very serious medical issue arises, a highly skilled specialist will help me. Same will be the case with my sis. For all that, I am very grateful.

Hey Carla. You are getting your strenght and determination back. You are doing fantastic job i have to say and surely should be proud of yourself. You not only tackling one problem..but all 4 !!!! That takes some strenght girl!!!

I hope you will make that apt today ..i am with you all the way!!

Be kind to yourself and get ur a**e to that drumming place...sounds right fun 🙂

S x

Good positive post, you seem to be progressing again, dont envy you having to abstain from more than one addiction.

re your post to me, if I had a piece of paper with people's opinions of me it would probably say hard-working, focused, dependable that sort of thing from a work perspective I have respect. But if people were being honest they probably would say I was boring. Unlike you, I dont enjoy having friends round and have very few in the friends department these days. I am a loner truth be told and spend the majority of time outside of work on my own. Always been that way to some extent, and certainly since sport particpation came to an end.

Gambling was really the ideal hobby and pastime for me. Something I enjoyed, took a real interest in and could do on my own. That would all have been fine if I wasnt a compulsive gambler and didnt extend its use from a harmless hobby to my way of escaping stress and boredom and life in general.

Any major change in my life now is going to involve interaction with others a lot more. Thats a big bridge to cross.

Best wishes and stay on the up.

Well good for you with the smokes and beer. Way to go. Gotta.say I've been sneaking them smokes on the weekend which really sucks come Monday. LOL really haven't had a beer either since a week ago Tue. Been getting head aches no matter how little I drink lately. Guess i don't find that I miss the beers to much but I hate Monday and no smokes. LOL so do ya have the state funded health care there or your on your own through work? Their pushing that Obama cr-ap here at your own expense of course and a lot of money for half a-ss plans. I got the insurance through my work and pretty good stuff since I work for the school district. Yeah gotta cough up more cash for it due to union getting tossed to the wind but still good coverage.

Almost suppertime. Frustrating day, much of it spent on the phone. Got off here this a.m. determined to get stuff done. Took the mail in and had a disastrous letter from health benefit people/employer which would have affected my pay and really screwed me over. It was all an error but took a long while and several phone calls to sort out. Then tried calling throat specialist and was told I have to get another referral from my doc since it was so long since I was last there. They also said it's about a 3-4 month wait to get in so see my doc asap. Have apt with doc next week. Then realized I have a little computer issue I should sort before I go back to work. That meant several phone calls to Dell and much time spent with that. Geesh. Also realized I should be shopping around for cheaper house and car insurance. Maybe tomorrow. The good news is that even though I was so frustrated today and really wanted to reach for my vices, scream, swear, etc. I did manage to get a grip and calm myself down and just deal with it all. Breathed through it. Started telling the poor Dell lady that dealing with them was enough to make a gal drink and smoke but she was so professional and calm... ended up she was in the Phillipines so I felt like a bit of a brat. Managed to turn it around and have a nice conversation with her. Already late afternoon. May write more in another post. Seem to keep deleting my posts today after typing a lot so this time, hitting send.

Got a little behind on the meditations I've been doing. Actually, I don't really do them as meditations... this mind can't calm down enough... gets very stimulated by the preamble to the meditation and starts flying through all the thoughts I want to write about. So I just really listen to the preambles and I think that's alright. After all, I am battling all these addictions so of course, I have a lot of nervous energy right now. Today, I listened to Deepak talk about the importance of consciousness in order to make deliberate choices in each moment in order to bring success to self and others. He said we need to awaken to the present and release the past in order to create the future we want. Focus our attention and our intention on that which is loving and joyous and if we do that, then slowly we will expand those things in our lives. Well!! Lots there, that's for sure. I sure have not been conscious or deliberate in my choices for much of my life and I'm certainly not making deliberate choices in each moment. And releasing the past? Starting to think I will never ever be able to do that. I truly don't know how and have really tried. BUT... I am making progress. I mean just today with all that frustration, I managed to talk myself down. I sure did want to run out and buy smokes. I sure did want to grab for a beer and normally I would have. I think maybe I could have tempered the email I sent to my employer (and Cc'd a number of departments)... maybe didn't need to bold the statements I did. Oh well. The meat of the email was reasonable and not too reactive. I did make a deliberate choice with the Dell lady... to turn that conversation into a much more compassionate one and I heard the tone of her voice begin to "sing". It's hard to "see things with new eyes" when I'm in the habit of reacting before thinking quite often but I'm beginning to do it more and more. This is a good thing.

I know no reply was needed but I guess I couldn't help myself. Thanks for the post I appreciate the support. After I said about cutting back and being a bit more selfish I didn't get a post for a few days (until yours) so was a bit worried I may have offended some, so thanks for the support. Keep doing what works for you, keep trying. Never give up giving up. I hate to think of the slips I've had and wish I could just hit a switch and change but its not that easy - unfortunately! But the bottom line is it can be done. Just keep making the right choices and stay strong. Have a good weekend.

Hi Carla

Great post ! i can see a seed change in you.... you are starting to look deep into yourself and trying to understand why you have been the peron you have ! i am doing the same thing, sometimes you might not like what you find ! I didn't. If we keep trying to make small changes and improve ouselves as people we are on the right direction. I have been like you, react very quickly and aggresively, i hate myself for it but have now tried to change. It is all about our inner being, i have no doubt a lot of those fast aggresive reactions are because of my addictions !

You have a great weekend Carolyn ( first time i called you that i think ) take care, Dark Place

Hi Carla..

Funny lady 😉 liked the video thanx . Hope you doing well and ready for the battle of the day 🙂

Take care and speak later

S x

Back from doc. Glad I realized apt was for today. Rather annoyed. She wouldn’t refer me to the ENT specialist. Said I need to give it more time. I told her I would like peace of mind. I said I had seen a specialist in 2007 overseas who had cancer warnings for me if I didn’t heed his advice which I didn’t. I told her I saw another specialist here who said I should follow up in 6 mos or a year which I didn’t. I said that it would take 3-4 months even with a referral and that I would be very angry if I do end up with a throat cancer. She just said “sure, you’d be angry” and when I brought up the importance of early detection, she said it was not necessarily important. Seriously? Really annoyed as I don’t go to the doctor for any little thing. Oh well. Guess I’ll just hope it’s better by my next followup appointmt at the end Jan.

Listened to the preamble to the gratitude meditation. It was about mentors and gave a pretty broad definition of what a mentor might include…. Meditations, Quotes, Teachers, Parents, Peers, and almost anyone else who offers you up a life lesson or something to strive for or to be. I do love a good quote. They can contain such pearls of wisdom which, I usually aspire to but never seem to achieve. I don’t have success meditating yet as mentioned previously but again, love the wisdom in the preambles/centering thoughts. Parents as mentors…. Hmmmm….. Do have lots of parent issues, and I mean lots… but since it was a gratitude meditation, it got me thinking about the good things passed down to me through their parenting/modelling. My mom was an awesome cook and because of her we ate pretty healthy and always homemade. I’m a pretty good cook myself now and can sure stretch a dollar which is coming in very handy right now. My mom was also sensitive to the plight of the “underdog” so to speak. She would always tell us to treat those” lowest on the totem pole” with the same respect as the higher ups. Everyone contributes, she would say. I took those words to heart and am so glad. Often I see “higher ups” treat others poorly and can only think, ‘how stupid!’ . When I need help from them at work, I’m often the first (or one of the first) who gets the help, not to mention numerous other benefits… and even some beautiful, solid friendships have formed. Reliability, responsibility, punctuality… also all learned from mom (maybe too much so at times). My dad was more academic and more “worldly”. I hated asking him a homework question in elementary school because I’d never get a simple answer. I’d have to listen to a 15 minute lecture on some topic or other connected to my question. I thought he was the smartest man in the world not that I was interested in much in my teen years. I remember when my best friend’s father died when we were 18. We were neighbours. I announced at the dinner table at home that I was not going to go to the funeral…. Said I’d never been to one and never intended on going to one… ever (ha… as an aside, I’ve now been to more than my fair share). My dad said “absoloutely, you are going. You must.” When I started to argue, he explained to me that many people don’t realize that funerals are not for the dead. They are for the living. He said “Mr. X” doesn’t care if you’re there or not… he’s dead. But your friend, she needs you there and you must go support her. Then it made so much sense and I learned how to support people who are grieving. Love of music was also something I got from dad as well as encouragement to explore the world around me. Try anything and everything. How can you say you hate it if you haven’t tried? My dad would often come home from the grocery store with weird foods from various parts of the world. He’d talk with ladies from India, China, wherever in the grocery store… how do you cook that? Now, I’ve got some of that characteristic in me. Am grateful for these things from my parents. Why is it so hard to be exactly the way we want to be? Why can’t we take/develop only the good qualities from our mentors and people we aspire to be like or just our own choice of character? DNA, I guess. My best friend’s husband is probably the "best" person I know. He is always kind and thoughtful to pretty much everyone and pretty much all the time…. a real rare individual. In the 35 years I’ve known him, I think I’ve seen him angry twice. Example.. one of my basement room renters really, really annoys me. Just one of the annoyances is that she will shake her wet hands on the floor rather than use the towel that is available. I’ve mentioned it to her twice. What I’d really like to do is tell her right off (there are many other annoyances) but I can’t because I really need the money she brings in to me so instead I just seethe inside. I’m afraid I’m going to blow one of these days, though. If it was the friend I just mentioned who I admire so much, it would be a total non -issue. He’d just wipe it up and forget it. Why can’t I be like that? Or even just say something again in a nonthreatening way instead of wasting this time seething? I think I'm aware of most of my good qualities and certainly know at least some of the things that I could/should improve about myself but why is it so d**n hard? Is it all about being truly present in the moment? That consciousness and awareness I wrote of yesterday. I guess that's it. Often I think of what I should have done after the fact. Hmmm... applies to my little casino excursions too!

Morning Carla.

Thanks for planting a smile on my face to see me off to work.

No doubt about it, you've got many a fine quality with such a caring nature.

Keep rolling and drumming the beat of recovery.

My pleasure and thanks, V.

Bad sleep last night. Again, very anxious and merely dozing for half hour at a time. Throat feels even more sore today. Maybe psychological? Woke to massive snow storm... still coming down but think I'll need to get out there and shovel or it'll be unmanageable later. That was not on my agenda for today. oh well. Lots to write about, as usual, with thoughts whirling about. Not getting enough done. It agitates me so much yet I continue to avoid. Should go to another drumming circle tonight.. probably won't. That'd be too good for me. OK... breakfast and then out to shove..el.

Hi Carla

Yes you are right aka... Patrick 😉 have a lovely weekend, i am off to bed to try and kick this flu. Dark Place