Good golly... it's still coming down. Can't write much today. Gotta go shovel some more. Gratitude -I gave thanks for my neighbour who helped me get through shovelling the front!
Glad I influenced you to do some Christmas shopping - hope you bought me something nice!
I truly believe yesterday was the first time I went Christmas shopping without going to the bookies the same day since I was about 16!
Where does the time go? I've been off work and still I somehow never get the things done I'd like to. Another round of shovelling in store for me today but it looks like it might be the last for a bit. Thank goodness. It's really looking like a winter wonderland out there. Slow cooking a pot roast and the house is starting to smell fantastic. Going to go to drumming tonight. Not thinking about gambling, drink, or doob but cig cravings are still coming at me more than I would like. Still fighting, though. Gratitude - well, if I have to shovel so much at least it's looking absolutely gorgeous out there. All the trees are snow capped. The sky is blue. Very fine flakes of snow are falling and the sun is making them look like fairy dust sparkling in the air. It's completely breathtaking.
Hey Carla ..
Trust me...there's not enough hours in the day to read my diaries...(plural ) there are 3 ..lol "War and War" not "War and Peace" lol lol ..
46 years condensed into cyberspace ..that's a lot of acting I've been doing and I never got an Oscar..!!
I love the drumming too..have a Djembe from Ghana that I use mainly as a coffee table..( sacrilege I know) and lugged another back through customs from India , also now a coffee table ..heh heh heh..but you got me all inspired again ..the heartbeat of life.
R and D xxx
It's only 210 pages - get reading! You never know it may help your recovery....
Hi Carla,
Want to thank you so much for describing winter season your end...I start getting my little spirit back for Christmas...Always felt as magic time for me...hmmm..maybe time to grow up lol
You will be alright back to work darling, i'm sure you will 😉 My holiday closing to the end and the only way i know that is by my subconscious telling me that as i start dreaming about d**n place lol...stress starting in my dreams lol
Have a good drumming class time girl...ENJOY!!!
S x
Good Morning Carla
''All the trees are snow capped. The sky is blue. Very fine flakes of snow are falling and the sun is making them look like fairy dust sparkling in the air. It's completely breathtaking.''
And its all free!! Keep shovelling and a drumming and most importantly keep on keeping on. You're doing fantastic Carla, keep on drumming the beat.
Sharing a bit of my neighbourhood with you.
Hello Carla
You are a very cultured lady and can see life has been the fabric which has emroided you as a person !
I have horrible flu by the way still, thought i would just mention it whilst trying to be artified in my writing 🙂
Have a great week Carla, keep on keeping on as Volcano said so well. Dark Place
Thanks so much, folks.
As for the "cultured" description... thanks LP... there are a number of people who've sat around a campfire with me who'd find that description hilarious! Nevermind. I'm more comfy hanging with the average Joe but I can put on the ritz when needed.
I don’t like recovery. Really wonder why I chose to go this route. It's hard and I feel so much worse now than when I was self- medicating and working. OK, maybe not all the time. But it was easier then. I have noticed that I look better… dark circles under my eyes have lightened. Despite the beauty outdoors, yesterday was not a good one. The shovelling just about did me in. That and my feelings about my basement room renter … the one I don’t like. She’s young, knows it all, seems to have a feeling of entitlement, opinionated and has a chip on her shoulders... oh, and lazy. Night before last when it was snowing madly she had some friends over before they all went out to some club. They came in and out of the house many times trampling the snow down in the process. Made it so much harder to shovel . I felt resentful that the demanding little t**t didn’t come outside to help, not that it’s a requirement, but at that age I would have chipped in (or at any age, really). I suppose she felt somewhat guilty because she commented that she wasn’t feeling well and would cough a fake little cough... totally fake. I could give her some acting lessons. The chipping away at the compacted snow aggravated my arthritic elbows. All the lifting made my back sore. All of that made me angry. Ha. It’s just life, right, but it made me really angry…angry enough to curse out loud a few times. And then a bit teary. It was all I could do to stop myself from coming inside and grabbing a beer. Somehow, I didn’t. I told myself that it was exactly the time to not indulge and that the next beer I have will be when I’m enjoying myself in the company of others. It was a fight and another battle won. Depriving myself of all these vices makes me cry at times... never used to. Not never, rather rarely. I remember being in Mexico when I was about 20 and getting very sick to the point where I could hardly walk. My bestie was hollering at the hotel staff who were moving very slowly in deciding whether to call an ambulance. I distinctly remember my friend telling them "This is very serious. She's crying and she doesn't cry!" But I did cry at times... Just never in front of people. I’m starting to dream again a bit too. Last night I dreamt that I was in some unfamiliar garage with a child who was covered in blood. I couldn’t even describe the child… don’t know if it was male or female. I was calling out to my mom to come and help. That was all. Very short. Very weird. Two days before I go back to work now. I was confused about drumming… it wasn’t yesterday but today. I’ve already notified the lady that I’m coming and asked my bestie if she wanted to join in and she said yes. I feel a bit conflicted about that. I suppose it’s because I feel a need to cultivate some friends who are exclusively my own. Any friends I’ve had in the past have always been welcomed into the group of friends I’ve had since childhood (who I’ve distanced myself from a great deal lately). Guess I’m afraid any new friend I might make would want to go play bridge every Friday with my bestie and the others and I’d be on my own on Friday nights again. I don’t feel I can drop by there on Fridays anymore because my ex and his mistress play with them and I refuse to have anything to do with them. Oh well. It’s done. I think I’m going to cancel my appointment with the addictions counsellor tomorrow… and any future appointments too. I don’t find it helpful to see her and I don’t want to go because of all the smokers at the doors there. I’ve come too far to risk it...maybe in the future I'll go again. Two days left before work and so much to do. Anxious. Anxious. So anxious. I’ll never get enough done to be comfortable but then I never do. Really have to work on my attitude, esp the ability to put up that s**t shield before I’m back at work. Have to start practising making a fake smile look realistic too. But there are aspects of my work I love. It's just that the s**t parts are taking up more and more of my energy. I have let basement girl know that I’m not impressed. Man, I hate when she cooks. She fries everything and uses an unbelievable amount of onions and garlic every time. The aroma permeates the entire house and is so pungent it makes my eyes water (and I love onions and garlic but this is too much- an entire bulb of garlic every meal- I kid you not). I repeated the expectations to her for at least the third time, all agreed upon before she moved in (things like turn the stove fan on when cooking- ok... recent requests about that, cleaning her bathroom, washing and drying and putting away her dishes, cleaning the dryer vent after using it, etc.)…. No cheery voice this time… not angry but very matter of factly/abrubtly. Hope I won’t be regretting that in the near future as it’s become clear she does not like to be told what to do. Wish I didn’t need her money. I’d like nothing more than to kick her sorry a**e to the curb. Gratitude Reflection: I’m grateful that I have a job and one that pays me well and provides good benefits. This is far more than most people in the world have. I’m also grateful for global warming as I’ve just looked outside and it’s starting to snow again. Noooooooo!! And no sun today either.
Hey Carla,
Wow girl just read your post and it made me laugh at times and really mad too. w*f is going on with this generation? I think that girl is right brat for not contributing for the house she lives in!!! She still uses the kitchen and everything, she should cut the grass in summer and help you with shoveling in winter!! I am getting mad lol...oh...i would have a word or two with her.
Nearly work for you girl...same for me. I actually start dreaming about work recently too. Last night i was promoted to development team and felt stress going off my shoulders.....until i wake up lol...Not to be!!
I think you are doing brill Carla and should be well proud of yourself!!! I know that recovery is not easy, but the end goal is very rewarding and you should keep doing what you doing. As you say, no more black circles under eyes, that says a lot!! No worries, no stress, able to sleep, wanting to do stuff...You are getting there and i am very proud of you.
Hugging you over the ocean and sending you some strength with shoveling. ( But truly i fink you should get a bit vocal to little brat)
Take care and keep doing what you doing...Allow some time for yourself over next few days...just relax 😉
(((((( Carla ))))))
S x
P.s just watched ur videos...and you are killing me softly lol lol
Trust you to come out with second one!! 😉
oh How I'd love that dog! Thanks, Sandra. I do love dogs and have always said it's the first thing I'll get when I retire... 'course now that day may never come!
Just came back again to post this which was part of my meditation preamble (Deepak). I just love the line" [ b]Then re-write the story of your inner response." I really need to learn to do that more often. I may be a slow learner but at least I'm starting.
Here's the preamble:
Use today to experiment with perception by tapping into the power of your thoughts, intentions, and the resilient strength that is always with you. As you travel through the day, any time you feel a sense of struggle, or you hear your inner dialogue sending you messages that cause you to feel you have failed or that you are less than, take a moment to pause. Stop what you are doing and allow yourself to take a deep breath. Then re-write the story of your inner response. Take time to identify the opportunities before you as a result of this perceived adversity. Give yourself permission to be in gratitude for the opportunity to learn and grow.
Well now... so many things to get done before I go back to work. 1.5 days left. Since I have so little time and so much to get done I thought, well....play videos!
Much as technology can irritate me, it can do some amazing things. There are other playing for change vids and all are great. I'll only post these two.
Hi Carla... I wish you'd write a bit more in your posts...;-) I joke 🙂 I luv your writing style.. very creative.
I like clicking on your video clips where ever I come across them, the music ones and especially the analysis of the mind ones.
Carry on carrying on. Your doing mighty fine. Warm regards... S.A 🙂
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