DГ©sormais......

Thank you Ade and on here I know im never alone ....I also have kept abreast of your recovery too as always used to read posts on our mutual friend Elizabeth's diary ...

It was the lovely Libby who gave me the final push and confidence to say enough is enough as gambling aside ,she recognised a destructive set up I was in and knew it herself all too well.

Back on my brick road and also keeping out of trouble with jobs today ...grass ,painting maybe and cooking some nice grub.

Keep on keeping on

R and D xxx

Thank you Blondie and Rach for your kind posts of support.

Blondie you really hit the nail on the head there with your words in that post.

I know that I have to stop. And what better day to confirm that, than Fathers Day.

My daughters woke me up this morning with cards and pressies. I am so f******g lucky to have them and they love me so much that it reminds me how much loved my dad when I look at them.

Enough is enough

Ade

Today was a great day to kickstart my recovery once more.

Over the last 5 years I know that this time of the year is a bit easier for me to not gamble. Last year for instance I managed 4 months without gambling.

Without the football season, things seem easier for me. There is still The Open golf, Wimbledon, Ascot, etc, etc... to entice me. But they are all normally something of a by-product via the Football gambling catalyst.

Last Monday I got some good news from my cardiologist when he told me that my medication had managed my heart growth around my 'leaky' valve and stopped my heart enlarging anymore. In fact my Atrial Fibrillation had improved, and my mitral regurgitation had improved so much that he suggested another scan in a year, instead of 6 months. Happy days indeed!! ;0)

On Tuesday I purchased a rowing machine and an exercise bike which I have put in my garage, to go with the punchbag that I put up last year. My own personal gym is taking shape!! The kids love it, and I am already pencilling eldest daughter in for the 2024 Olympics! ;0)

Keeping fit through the summer I hope will occupy my mind and get me back some fitness levels too.

Today I had a great lunch with my family, then watched my daughter swim in her local club swimming ***** in the afternoon. Proud doesn't even come near to explaining how I felt watching her compete and enjoy herself. 7th in Backstroke, 2nd in Breaststroke and 8th in Freestyle.

Like Blondie said, gambling really does leave you drained and spent at times. Watching my daughter today has left me energised and alive again. Fathers day has been the springboard (pardon the pun!) ;0) that I needed....

I need a new focus. I am changing things slowly.

Keep strong all

Ade

Day 2.

Gonna stay strong.

Ade

Hi Ya Ade,

I have been hiding for a few days. Feeling a little vulnerable but, mostly stupid.. Anyway, back in the saddle and wanting to toss you a wave. I think you are awesome and will kick this thing up the backside once and for all. And, I will too. One day at a time buddy. -joanxxx

Thanks for the post Joan.

I am bitterly disappointed with myself yet again. I am not looking for sympathy or pity, I am just really struggling to stop my destructive behaviour.

On Sunday I was positive and feeling that all was good in my world. I genuinely thought I could change and put some gamble-free days together.

I have failed yet again. The time-money-location triangle always seems to fit together far to easily for me. Have been bored a bit at work this week, which is not an excuse, just a factor that has turned my head and fuelled the craving to gamble.

In a matter of days I have changed from being one person into another completely polar opposite of the rational nice me.

Once the weakness starts with me, it just snowballs. I am aware of the change, but I actually chose not to turn back. I am drawn into gambling far to easily, and all the days when I have been sick to my stomach of it are somehow banished from my memory.

I feel ashamed that I am letting the cravings rule my head, and my bank balance has taken a battering due to my stupidity. I am still determined to stop this cancer eating me from the inside out, but willpower alone is clearly not enough for me.

I need to rationlise what I am doing to myself before I slip further into the mire. I have to conquer these bizarre episodes and mood swings. I have to feel better about myself and do some more sociable things again. Gambling is very lonely and depressing when I do it, not fun or enjoyable anymore.

I may sound like a broken record, but I can at least get this out in the open on here and try to make some sense of it.

Keep strong all

Ade

Ade

I know I was critical of one of your posts a couple of weeks back but generally I support you and I have said before we have a lot in common - unhappy relationships, a lot of gambling driven by football and we have been on this Forum about the same length of time with many attempts at quitting or controlling.

Bottom line - we are both making progress. We don't need to count in days and we don't need to lambast ourselves when we gamble. Our heads are in better places generally and we are heading in the right direction. We may not rack up 100s of days without gambling but so what there are many ways to recover.

Chin up we will get there.

Hi Ade

Post greatly appreciated. Lets stick together and help each other. I'm totally with you and feeling a bond between us when I read your post.

Hi Ade, the Captain is right. It's about taking the knocks but continuing to fight. The odd battle may be lost but concentrate on the bigger picture. You are changing a behaviour pattern which you have nurtured for many years, it's not going to change overnight. Yet every time you lapse you have an opportunity to learn from it and adapt. of course it's frustrating and disheartening but this is to be expected. Gambling is insidious and it will not give up its hold on you without a fight, that's definite, the question is can you find the strength and determination to fight back? It's never about courage, intelligence or even will power but the ability to carry on, no matter how bad you feel. Eventually, through bitter lessons and disappointments something clicks and you find a strategy which works and a substitute to take the place of gambling. Perseverance is key. 99.9% of us will lapse many times on this site, those who fail are those who give up but you're still here trying to understand how you can go from a happy, proud father one minute to a destructive, unhappy gambler the next. You want to change, you're still here, keep weaning yourself off, eventually your brain stimuli will reconfigure to how it once was before it was introduced the incredible elation of gambling.

Steve

I Can't afford to have a 'little bet' because it'd be like playing with matches in a dynamite factory.

Hey Ade

Don't beat yourself up for having a flip side ...even non GCs like me have that flip side as you know that are equally destructive ...

Just keep posting .....always reading and by talking about it in here you are dealing with it .

R and D xx

Thanks Captain, Steve and Rach for your supportive posts.

Yesterday was a very good day for me. I reflected on my bad few days and re-read my first post on this diary to remind myself of how I felt back in March.

I am now adopting a positive attitude and getting real with regard to my responsibilities as a father and husband. I am back on track.

Keeping strong and looking forward to the weekend.

Ade

Hi Ade

Happy to answer the questions you posed on my diary as I have gone through a similar thought process also and happy to share with you and others:

Did you win or lose? I Won

Does it matter whether you win or lose? Obviously prefer to win but I gambled with an amount which was affordable to lose

Does just the act of gambling make you feel better? Yes it does, nothing else in my life and nothing there has been for years which would have made me feel better

Are you likely to gamble again? I am considering my strategy but Yes its likely as I really dont feel I can do cold turkey

Did you feel in total control? There was one point where I wasnt sure how much I had won and had to stop and count my money so that indicates I wasnt in total control but other than that Yes

My main concern is of course a dreaded out of control session.

Interested in your answers based on your recent gambling....

Hi Ade, Captain, I'd like to add a contribution to these questions if I may for I've faced them myself many, many times over. Obviously there were times when I won, won big, felt the elation and the joy, felt alive. You remember these moments but tend to forget the countless times we lost money, time, other experiences and happiness. I used to kid myself that I could afford 'small manageable' bets but that was my addiction talking for now I know for certain it's like playing with matches in a dynamite factory. For a compulsive gambler manageable bets are never, ever enough. The inevitable slide into chasing losses becoming moody, becoming skint, in debt, neglecting family and friends, becoming miserable, is as certain as night follows day. In my opinion small bets are merely the act of lighting the touch paper.

Of course gambling will make you feel better. Any addict which feeds its addiction feels better. Yet this is a dis jointed view on what pleasure and happiness is. It's not healthy or indeed normal, you are existing to please the addiction not yourself, not your true self. Therefore you'll never really be happy, as a person you'll become more miserable and isolated and consequently more dependent on your 'happy' fix.

As a compulsive gambler, someone who gambled with delight every day for 30 years I know that one day I'll gamble again. It's a sobering, frightening thought for I know how powerful this affliction is. Yet every day I try to put space between myself and that first suicidal bet. Some days are easier than others, whilst others are got through by ensuring seal tight blocks are in place. The longer you go through cold turkey the easier it feels as your brain becomes less wired to the anticipation, hope, thrill and elation of gambling. As you are going through cold turkey life will seem unbelievably dull to the point of it seeming pointless and it may depress you. This is your addiction crying out for feeding, because if you don't feed it it'll wither away. The boredom is a killer, you can either sit there and endure it or you can be pro active and try to take up something else to fill the void. But be warned nothing will fill the void left by gambling initially, if anything it'll make you feel resentful. Yet if you can get through these stages until the addiction subsides then life gets much more fulfilling and rewarding. You will no longer feel the irrational uncontrollable urge to mindlessly gamble, your shame will be replaced with pride and your self loathing with a relieved contentment.

I used to think, convince myself, kid myself, delude myself that I was in control. Being a gambling addict does that to you. It lies to you, reassures you until it breaks you. Then the cycle continues until before you know it your life has slipped by and all those precious moments have been lost because for 90% of the day you've been transfixed with results, meetings, fixtures, moods, isolation.

I loved gambling, loved it more than anything, every waking thought revolved around it, every dream. It was a way of life, nothing gave me a greater buzz than putting a bet on and if I'm truthful nothing has given me that buzz since, that's how powerful it is. Yet, despite that 'loss' I'm happier now in my own content way. I don't experience the magical high of winning but I don't experience the soul destroying feeling of losing everything and knowing that I've ran out of money to continue gaming, to continue my fix.

Believe me there is no such thing as a little, harmless, manageable bet. I can't bet because I can't stop and I wouldn't get on a plane knowing that somewhere along the line it'll lose control.

Life is boring but life is better, and the better it gets the less boring it feels.

Remember your addiction does not want to give you up and it'll play every trick in the book to get you to place that first destructive bet. It'll kid you, cheer you up when you're sad, placate your boredom but its a false friend, beware, be strong.

Steve

Thanks for the posts Captain and Steve.

I really appreciate the answers to the questions Captain. Will reply later when i get more time.

Steve, I have to say that your post is one of the best posts that i have read on here in a long while. Thankyou for taking the time to share that on my diary. It sums up a hell of a lot for me.

Stay strong all

Ade

Thanks for the posts Captain and Steve.

I really appreciate the answers to the questions Captain. Will reply later when i get more time.

Steve, I have to say that your post is one of the best posts that i have read on here in a long while. Thankyou for taking the time to share that on my diary. It sums up a hell of a lot for me.

Stay strong all

Ade