DГ©sormais......

Well done Ade. Like yourself i have had countless attempts to stop gambling and always failed. I think we get to a point where we can just take no more and something finally clicks in our brain. I know i feel after 23 days that this is going to be my best attempt at this and as long as i dont get complacent and continue to visit this site and read posts by people like yourself i can finally be on a winner.

Hi Ade,

Lovely positive post, totally agree positivity and self worth are main keys to keep going forwards and upwards,

Suzanne xx

Thank you Gregg, Suzanne and NT for your supportive posts.

Been paid today. Was just sitting here at work thinking back to pay days gone by when there would only be one thing on my mind......gambling.

My old routine would have meant as soon as I knocked off on a Friday, a visit to the nearest ATM to 'wedge up' with at least £150.00 and then a trip to a local bookies, where the repetative recurring theme of multiple football coupons being filled out with ridiculously priced accumulators. Whilst simultaneously placing bet after sad bet on both real and virtual horses, plus greyhounds too....

I would usually languish there for a minimum of at least an hour, depending on my luck (or normally lack of luck), before driving home. I was totally consumed by this routine. Come to think of it, it wasn't just confined to pay day. It was pretty much most Fridays really. That same feeling that let me to the bookies via the ATM. Weeks, months and years of failing to realise just how sad and lonely I had become. Feeling and looking depressed. Even after a rare success, it wouldn't be too long before the horrible stomach wrenching knottiness that twisted in the pit of my gut returned after losing again.

The lows far outweigh the highs (well they did for me anyway), when I look back on those lost years. The highs were great at the time. But, and it really is a big BUT. That feeling of ecstasy from a win can make you feel as though you are f*****G invincible - Billy big B*llocks. I'm not embarrassed to admit that I turned into Billy loads of times. So much in fact that I started to like Billy. This was my downfall, because now looking back in High Definition clarity that I have from nigh on 60 days clean. I can see that that is just not me. Not the real Ade. Just some sad sad immitation of the kind, nice, funny, helpful, loving kind of bloke that I truly am. This is true.

How the f**k did I drain both my daughters savings accounts of £4000.00 back in 2008???......What led me to do something that I now find makes me feel physically sick when I recall it ???.......One thing I do know is that it led me here to this forum, I was at a low low ebb for one reason or another, and gambling was my escape....

I have since re-paid all that money into my daughters savings, and no one outside of this forum will ever know about that. But I have to remind myself that this addiction can lead you into places that you never thought you could go. Looking back can help me at times, but like I have previously said. I am looking forward to the future. I am looking forward to leaving work in a few mins and going home to sample my daughters cakes that she made today in the school 'Bake-off' competition, which she has just phoned me about to tell me that she came 3rd (out of 9) in her heat, which alas wasn't quite good enough as just the top 2 went through to next weeks Grand final! ;0( !!!

Still, I know that eating those cakes when I get home, is a far better experience than heading straight to the ATM and the sad world of compulsive gambling....

Have a great weekend all.

Keep strong.

Ade :0)

Hi Ade,

Great positive strong post, yes there is light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to keep walking slowly but surely to it, and you are doing that well done.

Suzanne xx

Thank you NT and Suzanne for your kind supportive posts.

Well, 60 days since my epiphany.

My clarity of thought is as good as it has been for years.

My mum has visited us today. She is currently doing some pointillism artwork in the playroom with my youngest daughter. I can hear their conversation as I type this post. They get on so well. They are nattering away like two old friends, despite the obvious 62 year age gap!! ;0)

Two of my golf balls in perfect harmony, with not a grain of sand to be seen anywhere.......

Life is so much better these days.

I may treat myself to those couple of ice cold beers later on this evening......

Keep strong all

Ade

Well done Ade, treat yourself to a nice beer. Remember your recovery is for today only enjoy it and stay moving forward.

Lovely post as usual, Ade.

Those beers will taste good, I'm sure.

Hi Ade,

Your post about your daughters and reflecting on the highs as well as the lows of betting made me think, and it definitely did resonate with me. I know Billy, he's an a******e. I was Billy too at times.

Hope you're enjoying those beers this evening, and I hope you enjoyed the family time today too. Those sweet moments are the ones that help to remind you why you don't want to gamble again.

Have a great weekend,

Ryan

Thank you NT, Michael, Pelle and Ryan for your posts.

Still going strong today.

I see that bookies are advertising in their shop windows about stopping gambling when it no longer feels like 'fun'.

Now, this whole business of bookies highlighting the dangers of problem gambling to me, seems like a bit of a smokescreen paying lip service to a major problem, but at the same time making sure they draw more unsuspecting victims into their shops. Call me cynical if you want, but I can see what the marketing men behind this multi-million pound organisation have done.....

Their slogan of "When the FUN stops STOP" , ironically has the word 'fun' in capital letters and in far bigger 'star enhanced' text than all the other words in the slogan. Not only that, but the whole advert is on a bright yellow backdrop, which is a major marketing trick for drawing attention to a product!!!!

So all it does in effect is draw your eye to the bookies, the first word on the bright yellow sign that you see is 'FUN', before you even read the rest of the text!!!

What was really required was a serious sign with a message that was worded far better, without the word 'fun' in the text.

Like I say, these gambling marketing teams are devious beyond belief.

gambleaware.co.uk should hang their head in shame and do more than this token effort if they really want to help stop this serious addiction ruining more people's lives each and every day....

Keep strong all

Ade

I would just like to thank Shiny, Duncs, Sandra, Rob, SA, Michael, Joan, Suzanne, NT, StoneRoses, Dino, Jane42, Gazza, Milkman, ODAAT, Ryan, Pellekanin, amt1974, gingermotty, Curly and Gregg for helping me make the last 2 months of my life the best 2 months that I have lived in the last 7 years.

You have all taken the time to read my diary and post your supportive comments to me over the last 2 months, since I returned to this recovery diary section. I know that without all of your support I would not have managed to get through 2 months without gambling.

I have the determination and will to beat this addiction that gripped me for far too long. But, without the daily support and posts from all of you I would never have reached this 2 month milestone.

I am now in unchartered territory. I have never felt this kind of control on my emotions regarding gambling. So, as I still take 'one day at a time', I know that I need to be mindful of every little possible frailty in my make-up.

I am determined to keep walking this road to recovery each day, and I will gain strength from this whole experience.

Keep strong all

Ade

Ex-Billy, what a lovely name for my fellow CHAF 😉 I am making an assumption here about the annoying (the 'a' has to stay) but I've dropped the v for f as whether you want to be or not I am claiming you as a friend!

I'm so proud (literally tears in my eyes proud) that you are doing this (& pleased as punch that it has clicked this time) as much for your eldest as anything else! This is a pivotal point in her life (this is where I went the wrong way) & you being there for her is more important than you can ever imagine! Remember, the more practise she gets the better her chances @ the next bake off 😉

I too am surfing (I wish but I couldn't write swimming as I'm going much faster than that) along in unchartered waters expecting to be dumped (the urges) only I have a new super power called recovery & I can handle the dumping now!

Keep strong yourself - ODAAT

Thanks Ade for your loveky message and big hug, very much appreciated.

You have come so far in 2 months, you are doing brill,

Suzanne xx

Thanks for the supportive posts ODAAT and Suzanne,

62 days now and going strong.

It amazes me just how stupid I was with regard to my money losses through gambling. Sitting here reflecting on just how much of a sad robot I turned into during that period is actually quite scary.

I am now living my life again in something of a 'normal' manner. No destructive humiliating distraction of gambling to drag me down anymore. No more feeling S***e all the time. No more mood swings and short temper to control. Just a relatively level headedness and normality to my daily grind.

I did take an interest in last weekends f.A Cup results and kind of chuckled to myself at the fact that I was better off out of that world of chance. I mean some of them results were just barmy!! I think I have reached a stage where I am comfortable with myself again. A happy place to be, with no more high highs, and definately no more low lows.

I have a new diy project in the offing as I am planning to turn my kids playroom into more of a den/tv room for them as they are getting older and I-pods and the like have replaced dolls and toys long ago....So I will be heading to the delights of IKEA tomorrow evening to buy some storage furniture. Homebase for some paint.....and eventually see what kind of a deal I can get on a new TV........obviously this new den/tv room will be hired out to me for a while when I want to watch some sport or a film and the kids will be kicked out!!! ;0)

Projects like this keep me busy, and the benefits to us all in the end will be worth it....

Ramble over.

Keep strong all

Ade

Great post Ade and sooo very POSITIVE, you are shining through

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne and NT,

9 weeks and going strong..... ;0)

Ade