Determined to beat this

Also... I know people have mentioned your still young there is time etc etc that is correct but trust me if you dont sort yourself out NOW you will be 25 and in the same position if not worse.

Hi Adam

You will be able to find your nearest GA meeting https://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/index.php/meetings. I've just got back from my meeting at Carlisle for which I travel 160 mile round journey but I get to connect with people in the same boat and find them very helpful. Hope things are going well and will look out for further updates.

Darren

Thanks for your words guys.

Day 4. Money came into my account this morning which I used straight away to pay off some bills. This is the first time in a while I've had spare money in my account I haven't gambled straight away. Whilst I feel confident with it, I'm glad I have the practical blocks in place to stop me from doing anything with it. I honestly think coming on here everyday is doing me the world of good.

I'm feeling excited about life for the first time in a while - I know where I want to be and the only thing stopping me is this addiction. It's quite empowering but also terrifying as it's such a huge aspect to my life now.

Here's to March (hopefully) being my first gamble free month since October.

Well done mate! Unfortunately I haven't been as successful today however seeing you get through the first hurdle is giving me optimism... See you tommorow where I will be a full day GF, Dont let me catch you 😉

Hoping for the best HeroToZero, I'll be following your diary.

Posting a little earlier today as something really odd happened last night. I had a dream that I relapsed. But weirdly enough this was different - in the past I've dreamed about the actual slots and gameplay along with the winning big numbers and it all changing my life which as we all know is a completely unrealistic thing to happen. However this time it was different. My dream was based around my feelings that I'd relapsed. In my dream I only remember logging onto the site - there was no focus on the gameplay. The main feeling was all based around actually relapsing and how weak I felt. I guess I can only see this as a good thing? Because if my inner consciousness (or whatever it is) is feeling guilty at the thought of relapsing, I could be onto something with my determination this time round.

Who knows... Has anyone else had any dreams about gambling?

Also... Day 5!

Well done for keeping control over your funds Adam, from previous experience I would strongly advise you let someone you trust manage your finances as I think a big part of recovery is to admit to ourselves that we can't control large amounts of money without help or support from others. As for the dream I have had them before and I think its addiction trying to push us back on the gambling path. But I guess we all perceive our dreams in different ways and maybe yours is a positive sign.

Keep up the good work, I will look out for you in chat tonight.

Day 6 and feeling a bit down today.

Not quite sure what it is but I've been feeling about everything that has happened over the past year and how much of a mess of a life I have made. I actually have some money in my bank account and the sheer small amount is a sobering reminder of how much financial trouble I've been having as I've had to delay paying some bills/creditors until the 10th of this month. Been a case of basically buying food and then selecting which one is pushing the most for payment to favour first.

I also had some thoughts last night in bed about urges. It was strange as it wasn't an urge. I was (probably for the first time ever) sat thinking about depositing money and gambling without wanting to take any action - AT ALL. And I never really have been in a situation where I could think about that process and work through a logical form of resolution. Usually it is 'Gambling Urge > Me trying to avoid it > Urge getting stronger > Me justifying it by saying I'll only deposit £10 > Relapse'. But this time it was more of 'Thinking about Gambling Urge > Me thinking about gambling from a whole perspective > Actually thinking about the devastating consequences of it all'.

I am proud of myself for not wanting to even consider gambling again but it's a very strange feeling to have an urge and actually THINK about how it controls my mind and how it takes hold of me rather than it actually happening. This has given me some confidence for the future. I am determined to succeed and I know that I will.

I'm sure this feeling will pass and I'll be back to normal tomorrow. Hopefully it's a better day. But still, another day gamble free. Tomorrow will hit the 7 day mark - a full week.

A full week get in there, keep pushing 10 days next then 14 and just keep ticking them off you will get there things will get easier.

Keep fighting

Malc

Hey Adam, nearly a week for you and don't be too downhearted on your finances, you can't change the past, leave it there and focus on a bright future. Your finances may be bad, but I can promise you they will get worse and worse if you continue to gamble. As a gambler in recovery our finances always play on our minds and can be such a stress, but for some they can also be a reason to gamble again. I've though many a time to have that one last bet and end on a win.......but it never happens, the only way out of this madness is to give it up and make every day a gamble free day.

Keep up the fight and you will quickly see an upturn in your finances, its never as bad as it seems!

Look at it this way mate, you've got money in your account now that you wouldn't have had last month..or the month before that, or the month before that. You'd have spent it all and then some more. Baby steps mate, one at a time. You CAN do it.

Thanks for your comments guys.

Day 7 wooo. Today feels odd. In fact I feel worse than I did yesterday. I've truly realised the extent of the damage this has done and seen the sheer extent of how much progress I am going to have to make.

My finances are a huge mess and it's going to take months to dig myself out of the hole. I don't know how to slowly rebuild the rest of my life. I have end goals of where I want to be but don't know how to get there day by day.

Nonetheless, I am proud I have managed a week. Hopefully this feeling passes soon as I can get on being more optimistic. I guess this comes with time.

Blimey Adam, you were up with the crows! Congratulations on a week of kicking gambling into touch - well done. Whilst the enormity of the situation is only now percolatng through your system and seems rather overwhelming, think back to a few weeks or months ago. If you'd told yourself you'd go an entire week without a bet, would you have thought you were mad? That first seven days is a significant journey, one you've negotiated in tact and are a stronger person for it. Just as the gambling bug crept up on you slowly, so the process of stopping gambling can't be anything other than a day-by-day experience. Focus on your achievement and reward yourself (which I think you said in chat you already had a plan for). Treating yourself better, raising your self-esteem and self-worth is something which will improve your chances of success. Take care and where you can, start to enjoy life again.

Haha whatami, always up early. Nah, I work nights and usually have some spare time between 2-4am so I came on here to pass some time.

Thanks for that message it does make me feel a lot better. I know everything you are saying it correct and I agree, but annoyingly it's hard to shake this feeling I have at the moment but I know it'll pass so I'm going to try and channel it into something productive. I went for a long walk today and it really cleared my head and made me think much better.

Nothing good in life comes overnight.

Day 8. Wow. Time has flown past this week.

My bank balance is at a depressing -£1.20 with several payments needing to go out before I get paid on the 10th which is worrying but I know when I get paid I can start to pay down a couple things and get back on top of payments which should relieve some stress levels. The debt I have got myself into it's incredibly stupid (4 payday loans, 3 loans, and 4 credit cards and an overdraft). What an idiot I am! But luckily yesterday I was feeling rubbish but today I'm kinda feeling a little bit better. I know by the 10th I'll have finances somewhat in control (at least up to date with payments even though I'm on payment plans), and I have no way of even accessing the money I'm being paid so I feel better. Plus by the end of March things will be a little bit better as I can treat myself to something nice.

Uni work is getting hectic. I finish third year by April 27th so this is probably the most stress I think I've ever been under balancing this addiction, plus all this work, and then working 4 nights a week trying to get money to pay the bills.

I've also been doing some research online by researching "How to get out of a rut" which is kinda how I'm feeling in all aspects of life and it's given me some great ideas to really start to mentally see a bit clear and feel more in control of my life so hopefully that starts to work out.

As always my biggest problem is the lack of instant gratification that comes with battling this addiction. I KNOW it's small steps but it's quite hard to try and see the bigger picture when things don't feel like they are improving. But I am still gamble free and this is the biggest positive of the year.

Slowly but surely is the way to go. Here's to my second GF weekend!

Hi Adam.

Thanks for the post I didn't really celebrate it as such as it's my lad's birthday weekend. I did go and buy myself some new clothes though.

Adam what you described in the above post's about your debt I can relate to I've been there and I can safely say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, Make sure you head towards it.

Good to see you putting some research into your addiction. Knowledge is power.

I guarantee thing's will improve just give it time.

All the best catch you in chat