Determined to keep a diary

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(@p6z38njbqm)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

Posted my newbie update the other day and finally got the courage to tell my horrible story to my wife. We still have many things to discuss, but however that works out, I am still committed to beating this addiction. I am determined to have a routine to divert my attention from online slots and this is what this diary will give me. They have sucked the life out of me for too long now. To put it into perspective, I went from debt free to 45k in debt in about a year. Free offers, constant emails, the gambling companies are parasites who prey on the weak, and unfortunately however strong we think we are as gamblers, we are the weak.

Anyway, Step change has been contacted to help me sort out this mess. I will do all the overtime I can at work to bring down the 2.5 years timeline they have given me to return to debt free status. GC have offered services which I will be taking in terms of counselling and I am more determined than ever to never return to the dark place of lying and scheming just to hand my money to a gambling company. 

Officially this is day 3 complete with no gambling. Its been a whirlwind of emotions, in dealing with my acceptance and then exposure of my addiction and I have not even considered hitting the slots in that time. I know the road ahead is a long one but I have all the restrictions and blockers I can in place and will keep them there for life. 

Stay strong. Don't let the parasites beat you! 

 
Posted : 1st April 2024 12:48 am
(@dave101)
Posts: 300
 

Hi weridfish,

 

well done for hitting this head on! and using all tools available to combat against this addiction. Clearing house with your partner is best and if you relapse tell you’re partner straight away!! Probably the best advice I can give you as I was clean for 7 months and gambled and told my partner as soon as I could to prevent any more damage.

get Gambian on your devices ASAP and if you can get to a physical GA meeting as see how it goes.

 

just for today I will not gamble and wonder why there are lumps in my tea.

 

dave101

 
Posted : 1st April 2024 11:31 am
(@p6z38njbqm)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

One more day done. Not thought about gambling today. Had the conversation with my wife after coming clean. Think that’s probably it for us. Devastated is not the word. It’s unbelievable the hurt this addiction does to anyone near it. Amazingly it felt good to know my secret is now out there but the pain I’ve caused far outweighs anything. 
Next steps: I have no idea. I am more determined than ever to beat this. If I can do anything to show my wife that I can change, I will. I want to beat this for me, but more importantly for my family.

Thanks for the advice Dave, I’ve already put all blocks in place. Giving up anything that could tempt me back. Already had emails offering free spins etc and they are binned straight away. 

One day at a time. 

 
Posted : 1st April 2024 3:04 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1717
 

Hi

I feared tell my wife all about my deceptions and lies.

I was unable expose my fears of being rejected or abandoned, 

Sadly my fears caused me to hide my feelings and emotions.

Once I handed over all of my finances to my wife made it much easier for me.

For me beating was not the word I would use I surrended to the fact gambling  forme was so self destructive.  

I had been clean from gambling but Saturday my wife asked me how I was feeeling.

I hesitated then told her I felt very emotionally vulnerable.

She told me to get my jacket on get the car keys.

Where are we going she smiled I do not know.

As it happened we found a ten pin bowling alley.

After that day we went ten pin bowling eery Saturday and I no longer felt emotionally vulnerable.

It was important firstly to understand what healthy or unhealthy.

Then over time I echange my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

The gambling establishments never make me do any thing I di dnot want to do.

The gambling establishments never lied to me I lied to my self.

The question being in the recovery program when are you ready to have counselling.

After some time going to meetings I got to not only reduce my fears but was able to talk more nonestly and my trust grew.

Time and money that is gone I am unable to change.

The very simple truth the addictions and obsessions only indicated how emotionally vulnerable I was.

Ony by my abstaining would I start to heal the hurt inner child in me.

Very simple lesson, the recovery program is very slow baby steps.

Just for today I do not want or need to Gamble.

The recovery program is a life saver.

Love healing and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

 
Posted : 1st April 2024 11:05 pm
(@p6z38njbqm)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

Time to start day 5 gamble free. It’s been rough since telling my wife. She has cancelled out holiday and is heading away for a week to spend time with her family. I am gutted to admit it but it’s probably over between us and I don’t blame her. The lies and deceit this addiction caused have driven her away and I can only blame myself. 
Today I am going to try and stay strong, I’m going to clean the house, walk the dog, finalise my step change payment plan, do whatever I can to continue on this journey of recovery. It’s going to be tough as I’ve never felt so low. Sobbing quietly beside my sleeping wife, knowing it’s probably one of the last times I’ll be next to her was a new low. 
On the plus side, I didn’t think about gambling, so that’s a positive I suppose. 
Can’t wait to start some counselling sessions to get some clarity on where my head is at.

Thanks to those who commented. Feels great to have support. To all those in a similar situation, stay strong. You got into this, you have to get out of it.

 
Posted : 2nd April 2024 8:31 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5964
Admin
 

Hello WeirdFish,

Well done for your 5th day gambling-free.

I am sorry to hear that impact this is having on your relationship and in turn that you understandably feel low. You may already be aware but GamCare also offers support to anyone effected by another person’s gambling (if they wish to access this). In the meantime, it sounds like you have counselling lined up to start soon to enable you to address the gambling itself (if this is not the case, please feel free to call the GamCare Helpline on 08080 8020 133 if in the UK for a referral for talking support).

It also sounds like you are trying to draw as much energy as you can to be positive and productive as possible today. Keeping busy often helps to keep the gambling thoughts and urges at bay. It is admirable that you keep moving forward. I am glad to see the kind peer support that you have received here and that it has been helpful to you.

 

Best Wishes,

Louise

Forum Admin

 
Posted : 2nd April 2024 11:01 am
(@p6z38njbqm)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

Thanks, just submitted my debt payment plan with step change. Still have to wait for it to be processed but its one thing off the list. Dog walked twice too, so just the house to clean now!  

 
Posted : 2nd April 2024 3:06 pm
(@p6z38njbqm)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

Officially day 6 gamble free. No real change in family situation but on the plus side I’ve only thought about gambling in a negative way today. Starting to hate everything about gambling and how it is advertised and forced down problem gamblers throats. 

So about me. I started gambling at an early age, playing fruit machines in the pub, then I found poker. I was actually good at it. Could make a living doing it I reckon. The only issue is the sites have casinos so I would win at poker then lose at slots! Anyway, I got married and mainly lost interest in gambling until the marriage broke down. I say broke down, she ran off with another man. Here began a bender of casinos and drinking. Classic story really. 

Anyway that finally ended and I met someone new, someone much better, but my previous life caught up with me. Debts to my eyeballs. My amazing wife sorted that out for me and I paid her back. No issues, debt free, loving life then bang. No idea what triggered it. We have been through allot with family illness and loss of a parent and she has been very distant for a while. Doesn’t really shift the blame but I’m trying hard to find a trigger to avoid anything in the future. 

This lands me today, 6 days free, life in a mess and spilling my guts in here. Things can only get better I suppose!

 
Posted : 3rd April 2024 5:50 pm
(@p6z38njbqm)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

Day 7, can honestly say the thought of gambling makes me feel sick. I’m homeless, wife has left me, a new low in my life. On the plus side, it’s out my life into perspective. I’ve been a horrible horrible person. I was fooling myself, thinking my gambling was a way to a better life with my family, when in fact it was the complete opposite. Only been out the house for 15 min and I miss everything about my family so much. At least my wife knows the whole truth now, and I suppose I do to. It’s taken the worst thing ever to make me realise how much I lied to myself.

oh well, next stop debt free in 2.5 years and a new beginning. I only hope this has not impacted my family as much as I fear it has. Gambling ruins lives, and not just the gambler. 

If you’ve not taken that first step yet, please do it. It’s the only peace I have at the moment, knowing I’m dealing with my issues.

Until tomorrow, stay strong 

 
Posted : 4th April 2024 12:57 pm
(@p6z38njbqm)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

Here begins day 8. Over a week gamble free. Spent last night in the car. Of all the luck, it snowed this morning! Cold is not the word. On the plus side I had lots of thinking time and time to look through all the support available to me. Got a G.A. meeting on Monday which I excited for, although slightly nervous. Next few nights are spent at work so at least I’ll be warm, just need to find a safe spot to park up during the day to get some sleep. Will start looking for some emergency accommodation tonight too. Some big big days ahead but whatever happens I will not gamble. I will beat this and become a better person. 

 
Posted : 5th April 2024 7:51 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5964
Admin
 

Dear Weirdfish,

Well done for updating your diary and staying in recovery more than a week despite your current circumstances.

I am concerned to read that yesterday you became homeless. As you say with the current temperatures in the UK this is more than just an uncomfortable inconvenience it could become a safety issue. I am glad you do have the option of a few warm nights at work. I am also mindful that a lack of sleep may become a risk in fulfilling your job so please do take whatever precautions you can even if that is reaching out to colleagues, friends or family temporarily.

Please do research your emergency accommodation options with the charity www.shelter.org.uk their phone number in England is:0808 8004 444 Monday to Friday, 8am - 6pm (closed bank holiday). I also strongly suggest a call to our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 for any assistance anytime during this challenging situation.

It is admirable your determination throughout this. I am glad you will have peer support at GA on Monday.

Best Wishes,

Louise

Forum Admin

This post was modified 1 week ago by Forum admin
 
Posted : 5th April 2024 5:03 pm
(@p6z38njbqm)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

Day 9 and still no thoughts of gambling (well apart from hatred!). My wife took pity on me and let me stay in the spare room. She’s off to spend some time with her family for a few days soon so I’ll have somewhere to live as I’m looking after the dog. Will be applying for council accommodation at work this evening. Realised today that nothing I can say or do with save my marriage and I’ll have to process that. I only have myself to blame. The only positive I can take is that this addiction has taken me to rock bottom and ruined everything in my life. If that’s not a motivator to give it up for good I don’t know what is. Never before have I felt so determined to change. I never want ti go through this again, for me, for my loved ones. It’s a horrible disease, more so for those on the outskirts. Anyway, stay strong, stay gamble free, we can do this together. 

 
Posted : 6th April 2024 5:51 pm
(@p6z38njbqm)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

Double figures baby! Day 10 gamble free. My life is in a mess, not sure where I'll be living in future and who with, but I have to take the positives where they come. First GA meeting tomorrow night. Nervous is not the word, but I know it will help. I've given my wife access to my bank account, credit report and am forwarding her all emails to do with my recovery and debt management. Down to her to make a decision on if she stays with this useless muppet. I'm enjoying keeping this diary and I know I can look back at it in times of doubt and read how desperate and pathetic my life is right now. If that doesn't give me strength, nothing will!! 

2 weeks gamble free is the next jump. Lets do this!

 
Posted : 7th April 2024 8:06 pm
(@j5a6meyr4z)
Posts: 58
 

Don’t give up the fight weirdfish. 💪🙏

stay strong and resilient.

Pink Lady. 🍎

This post was modified 1 week ago by Pink Lady
 
Posted : 7th April 2024 11:10 pm
(@p6z38njbqm)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

Thanks for the supportive messages. Day 11 today and another big step. Attended my first G.A. session today. Was nervous heading in and didn’t know what to expect. It was an eye opener. To see the range of people gambling has impacted, hear the stories of success and failure and understand that I’m not alone in this journey was super helpful.
At home I’m still in the spare room and my wife is off to spent a week with her family to come to terms with this and decide our future. Hopefully she can see the side of me that’s not a scheming gambling liar. It’s funny how at G.A. everyone mentioned the deceit. It’s as if we have no control over it once the gambling begins. I still don’t know if it’s shame, embarrassment, pride, guilt, or any manner of excuses that makes us do it. Well from now on that stops. I’ve been honest about everything now and I’ve just got to hope my wife can see that and we can work through this.

2 weeks gamble free fast approaching. Step change contacted me today about setting up my plan. Need to do some work tomorrow bringing things together but my life feels like it’s moving in the right direction now. Little victories!

Stay strong folks. We can do this 

 
Posted : 8th April 2024 9:34 pm
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