Diary 1st entry, Repeatedly letting down everyone who has supported me.....one day ill lose everything

Think ill start Day 1 tomorrow and continue forward

Inspired looking at some peoples counts going up and up

Im envious, wish it was me

Well done to all these people on a massive achievement

Hi NIboy,

Sorry 2 read that u r going thru a tough time and that u have had a few slips... It takes a lot of strength 2 come back here and admit a slip so well done 🙂

R there ne blocks that u can put in place? Or is there some1 u trust that can hold ur cards or money 4 now?

This is a tough journey, but everyday we do not gamble is a better one!

U can do this, take it one day at a time!

Stay strong 🙂

Hi NI, bitter/sweet to see you back but good to know what happened.

tied up at the mo, but would like to give you a lengthier reply when the family are in bed. Well done for coming clean; hold on...

Mm

Hi Charlotte

Thanks for posting!

I have lifetime banned myself from the amusement arcades.

I currently am choosing the best gambling block for my computer. I dont have massive amounts of income so im looking for good value

I wont be able to give my cards to anyone because im going to have to juggle my money (and not my money) like crazy in the next 2 months to try and get back to some sort of normality. I havent really worked out how im going to do that yet but im hoping itll come to me in time....

Gambling and borrowing more money are two options that im ruling out....

Hey MM

Im sorry for disappearing for so long

I appreciate you and pellekanin keeping in contact with my page despite my absence. You are really good guys

Look forward to youre reply

Also hope Pelle is ok cause he hasnt updated his page in about 3 weeks i see.....

Hello NI,

firstly, to briefly answer the last Qs, Pelle is Ok, he abstained for over a year. I'm in touch with him away from GC, but he doesn't update much now because GC have placed him under 'special measures' due to something he wrote on someone else's diary (entirely justified, in my opinion). Anyway, he's still around, and he'll tell you more if he wants to. I'm sure he'll see your post. As for me, I went a year, lapsed but no harm done, but am now back on the wagon. I read a lot but don't post very often. There are very few people here from 15 months ago that you'd recognise.

Now the important stuff.

Hmmm.

Perhaps you need someone to tell you: 'You're right on the edge of blowing everyone's goodwill and trust by being selfish and abusing all around you. If your gf and parents knew every detail of what you've done recently the consequences would be life-changing for you'.

Let me tell you that I've been in worse positions than you and been too cowardly to tell anyone. It's sheer luck and lies that my whole house of cards hasn't collapsed. You are very brave to admit these things to your parents, and I admire you for it, really. I wish I had, and could have long ago. You are a better man than me.

However, you might as well not have told them if you are going to take them so far and then carry on behind their back. It's just rubbing their faces in it, not to mention what your gf would say.

May i tell you what I'd do, if I were in your exact situation now? I'm not sure it'll go down well with my fellow CG on the site, but this is my honest opinion.

You state you're £1400-odd short of what you need. This is bad. Terrible. But it's not insurmountable. You can find this if you try hard enough, I don't know, a credit card or a bank loan or a secured loan on your car or I don't know what. Or juggle a bit harder for a week or two.

Pay what you need to, when you need to. BUT DO NOT GAMBLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Even £30 in a bandit makes the whole exercise worthless.

You will know from your 2 previous stoppings last year that the finances recover remarkably quickly. That's not to say everything is paid off and hunky-dory, but since us CGs find any reason to spend every penny we have on gambling, when we stop we often find that there is an improvement in our day-to-day finances after only a month or so.

It's going to be painful, and you'll have to deny yourself any luxuries for weeks, but I can't see why it's not doable; get the money (no dodgy backstreet lenders), deal with the money crises as they appear, and wait it out. In the meantime, start your counselling sessions (change the person if necessary), post here every day, ring your Dad when you get the urges (or contact Netline), and get through it. Really save those pennies - no cans of pop, sandwiches in service stations, walk when you can, etc etc.

Killing yourself is not an option. What would your gf do, not to mention your understanding parents?

The other way is to admit everything to your Dad again. I suspect that's the 'official' advice. But I wouldn't; my opinion is there's only so much you can offload onto another person. 'A problem shared is a problem halved' can also be 'a problem shared is another person with a problem they didn't have before'.

Your choice, and I'm no authority, just my thoughts. Good luck. Let us know this time, please!

MM

I absolutely 100% needed to hear you tell me that. I am practically rubbing their faces in it.

Without directly intending to i have taken their handouts, recovered finacially, not gambled for 4 months and then all too easily given in and just kept it a secret like a did before.

Its hardly the definition of 'learning your lesson'

Its abuse of trust.

It was really really horrible seeing how it upset my mum when we all sat down and had to discuss it but i think deepdown ALL i was thinking was 'right ive done it, they will help me clear the ddebts and i can get on with my life'

Thats SO not the way i should be looking at it, i should be sitting there looking at the disappointed gaunt faces of my parents and thinking what a let down i have been over and over and how selfish i have been

However i have been here so many times that like the money i have just taken it all for granted.

Thats my problem, i dont appreciate the things that matter to me in life enough. I just have them there and expect them to be there.

But i have read enough posts in my time to see people lose their house, their wives and their kids. I guess i always think itll change for me someday

When im off gambling for a few months i feel as invicible as i do when im gambling and winning....but its only temporary.

Im sorry to hear about youre lapse but im glad you didnt do any long term damage. I know your a wise person, i like to think i am too but we are weak of mind like every other gambler.

Its hard to know your a sensible person but yet so reckless also....how can it be?

Anyhow your advice on what i should do here is what i have actually decided to do.

I cant just expect a bail out and i wouldnt get it this time anyway, and they do not need the stress.

I am going to try and bail myself out by juggling funds. Its going to take juggling work debtors and its going to take paying less into my savings and bending the truth about where its going but i have no choice.

I will pay all bills back fully as i always have done one way or the other.

Its actually not the bills that are so much the problem, its freeing up some general spending money because my gf will want to know why im skimping!

Anyway ill have to deal with that, ive done it since december 2011!

This is NOT a scenario anyone should copy, im not proud of it and its not something i enjoy doing but i have to try and get out of it myself.

I really was logging on today to just waste more money on playing online poker. But instead i thought if i come on here i might rekindle my passion for why i stopped in the first place and i think i have.

I havent gambled today. Thats a start.

I also have saved half of the £12,000 of our joint house savings account in the last 12 months

I should be proud of that.

I have very little else to be proud of.

MM thank you for youre insight, i appreciate it

I will post daily going forward. Im not making any promises about staying clean....a gambler cant make those promises.

But its either being clean or being single, estranged and broke

My choice......

Well its Saturday

Usually i hate Saturday cause Friday is my main gambling day and i have blown lots and i wake up on Saturday feeling like cr**.

Most Saturday mornings recently i have played online poker before i go to play golf and i have lost and that completely ruins my mood for the day and affects my golf game and the way i am around my friends on the course

I would have really loved to play online poker today, but i havent.

I do love playing but if i win i lose and if i lose i REALLY lose so ive abstained.

I think thats the thing as a gambler, we NEVER fully accept that we will NEVER do something that we love EVER AGAIN.

Gambling causes us pain but we love the thrill and its like playing a sport you love and being told 'You can NEVER play football/golf/rugby ever again'

So when we do go on dry spells we think about how its going to help our current awful finances and how it will bring stability but we rarely let ourselves think 'im NEVER EVER gambling again in my whole life' cause its the scariest thought ever

So we go dry and when its all stable we go back to what we love cause we are in no financial difficulties.

So today i wont gamble cause im pretty much on the edge of keeping a lid on it to my loved ones and i have to monitor and juggle every penny to be debt free and stable by the end of March

When the end of March comes i need to accept that i can NEVER EVER gamble again

Can i do this? I dont know.....once i get stable ill think im safe

Thats the hardest point of stopping. 3/4months in

Well Saturdays nearly over

No gambling today and there won't be a chance to cause I'm out with friends tonight and staying at my gfs so day 2 without gambling completed

Golf was so much more enjoyable today cause I wasn't thinking of gambling losses

I've been losing my temper ALOT on the course recently due to my gambling pressures and mood swings

But today I was calm and it felt good

Wish I could bottle that feeling

As day 3 gamble free winds down I can reflect on my mood today

I watched the football with friends, avoided the fruit machines and when the thought of them popped into my head I nipped into the loo and read a couple of diaries to remind me that a couple of pounds leads to a broken cycle and a downward spiral

Once I break my gambling free cycle I often go screw it and just keep going so I can't afford to break it

Finances can be juggled and that juggling begins tomorrow, I want a gamble free week, I need to stay strong

This year I HAVE to propose, get a mortgage and go on holiday so if I don't abstain in the next two months I'm literally going to lose everything

This is the biggest 2-3months of my life

Hi NIBoy,

Well done 4 staying strong 2day, u can do this. Take it one day at a time!

We r all here 4 u 🙂

Stay strong 🙂

Your first entry (of the 3) was too right, we love it and we don't like being told we can't do it anymore . the problem is that we can't gamble like a 'normal' person. We'd love to be like the non-smoker who has 3 cigs a year with his mates now and again but never gets hooked (I've got a cousin like that, he's a national championship swimmer and a medal winner, but has a couple of f**s at Christmas for no reason other than he wants to), or the non-drinker who has an occasional glass of wine on a special occasion. We want to be that occasional good-time gambler. But, sadly, we can't. It's all or nothing. We're just not wired up properly, unfortunately.

Hey Charlotte

Thanks for youre kind words, they mean a lot 🙂

Hey MM

Yes its cold turkey for gamblers, plus we are the only one of the addiction which can be absolutely a totally fully hidden from everyone we know

Smoking....the smell, Drinking....obvious, same with drugs

But gambling....well just go to bed with the laptop and spend thousands, or go to the amusements and say your working....its too easy!!

Anyways

Ive just booked a romantic getaway for my gf and I to a hotel i know she loves for a night in February. It was £110, only £4.40 which ive had to pay now i can pay the rest next month on payday.

Its her bday in March so im trying to get organised despite my lack of funds because as well as juggling i need to be doing the things a normal loving bf should do around their loved ones birthday.

I know she will like it and in turn that will make me happy, i cant just bury my head in the sand and let my financial worries ruin me, i just need to money manage and try and come out the other side.

Again the thoughts of playing online poker are so tempting, i could just revel in sitting at a table just doing other things online and playing as well but i cant let myself think that.

Its total destruction, i could lodge £20 and think its no problem but i cant, i cant and i wont.

I will go and watch some sports highlights and mess around on facebook.

I have ordered a novel i really want to read and it should be here tomorrow, i plan to try and read it when i go to bed and forget that gambling exists.

Hopefully itll be a good distraction

Well

Day 4 has come and almost gone

Off to my gfs for the night so i wont be gambling today which is always a good thing.

Urges to play online poker are still strong but i am trying to read as many posts as i can to remind me of why i am doing what i am doing

The posts of how people have lost their family are the ones that have touched me the most.

Thats the thing that scares me mostly. Becoming a husband, having kids and then throwing away their future due to my gambling.

Thats a long way away but ill

A. Never get there if i keep gambling

B. Will have to deal with this every day for the rest of my life to ensure i dont ruin my future

I think thats the hardest thing, thinking that i HAVE to deal with this everyday for the rest of my life.

However i know from my long periods of not gambling that once im out of the gambling loop days just go by and you dont think about it so i should take solace in those thoughts

Of course that is the time when you can drop guard, when finances are settled, but i just need to get over that

In the meantime i need to get into 'no urge territory' which i still feel is a couple of weeks away.

3 days short of a full week......

Amazing how finances automatically look better after 4 days not gambling..

Well done mate keep up the good work. Jst tell yourself if I dont gamble today tomorrow will be better. 😉 scottyboy stepping forward never back.

Scottyboy