Diary 2

I agree with posts elsewhere about openness - in my case, my wife, some family and friends know I was addicted to gambling.

When people I don't know so well mention gambling I simply say "I don't gamble" without anymore detail and try to look disinterested so they'll change the subject. That's more to do with genuine disinterest in gambling itself on a daily basis. The other issues are a different matter.

I have a friend who never offers me tips or anything and doesn't gamble very often but when he does, he does bets on horses I don't really understand. When he wins I'm pleased for him, pretend interest and be polite. It doesn't tempt me.

Other people I used to see in the shops try to wind me up BY trying to offer me tips. I don't bite (well I have told a few people not to take the proverbial) but I always wonder what they're motivation is in trying to wind me up?

Best wishes, Phil.

Late but non the less well done on reaching 500 days bet free phil.

All the best

Thank you Deano! Seriously life gets better every day for me I don't gamble despite adversity, debts (being repaid), family squabbles etc and of course reflecting on myself...cheers, Phil.

I've been thinking a lot about the "euphoria" I felt when I first stopped gambling and have read about elsewhere on the forum. I came across an interesting article about "Pink Cloud Syndrome" described as follows:

"The pink cloud can carry an addict on the wings of joy. Many users admit that this feeling of excitement has given them hope after the pain and the struggles their addiction has brought into their lives. But it can also cause dangerous overconfidence that can lead to a relapse." It goes on to discuss "people become preoccupied with the good feelings and forget about the journey in front of them".

It was (for me) a short-lived experience. The description goes on to say their is nothing wrong (obviously) with feeling optimistic about your future but also discusses unrealistic expectations (In the case of gambling I would say, for example, telling yourself and others you are never going to gamble again) "which can bring over-confidence and disappointment."

I'm not saying this pheneomena occurs in all people who stop (whatever their poison) but I can definitely relate to it. I'm damned glad I've not gambled but I take the problem very seriously on a day to day basis.

Anyway, I found the article about "Pink Cloud Syndrome" interesting and thought I would share a little about it on my diary.

Best wishes, Phil.

Thanks for posting this, really interesting and thought provoking. I seem to still have highs and lows but have learnt how to handle the lows and not get carried away on the highs. But after 5 years of gambling extremes I guess it will take time to hit a middle ground? S:)

Thanks for responding Sharon and again well done on your centenary - best wishes, Phil.

Thanks for that post Phil . I believe I have experienced The Pink Cloud Syndrome on several occasions which invariably ended up with me relapsing , usually on the next payday . Wasn't aware it had a name and have enjoyed reading up on it . Will make sure the awareness forms part of my recovery strategy . I am gamble free now for 47 days and as likely as not have been in the pink cloud throughout this period . Dont really know what to do about it as I am extremely confident of overcoming my gambling addiction and dont wish to introduce negative ideas or confusion . Guess I'll just have to carry on regardless and hope for the best . It would break my heart if I relapsed again ....... stephen

Hi Phil, Thanks for the support you have shown me. I understand you arent big on numbers its all about ODAAT so rather than saying well done on reaching 504 days I will just say well done on another day GF 😉

You clearly know your stuff, and in my opinion approach things a bit more tactfully than the "you must do this and that" people. People like myself are more likely to listen to someone like yourself than those that tell us what we have to do.

Keep it up ODAAT!

Thanks for the responses.

I think for me it's an ongoing process to discover what has driven a lot of self-destructive behaviour throughout my life.

Being honest about my gambling problem with my wife, mum and selective friends has, for me, brought it out in the open and of course criticism is too be expected but I get support as well and I'm no longer hiding my guilty, shameful secret.

For other people as I've said elsewhere if it's as "simple" (" " for a reason) as just reflecting - not dwelling - about the money lost and wanting to live a bet-free life that's totally respected by me.

Best wishes, Phil.

Good song. I like the lyrics.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZeUNwsiOnY

I went to North Wales for the weekend for my brother's 40th birthday. I did not gamble. I know self-exclusion is not the be all and end all but I was worried to be out of my "comfort zone" and in an area with shops. I guess that is reflective of my confidence. I also had a massive panic attack on Saturday afternoon which was very distressing and anxiety was always a reason for me to gamble - a temporary distraction from the underlying issues.

I didn't get involved in the debate about openness from the start so I'm going to post here.

From the start of my journey I told my wife who suspected anyway. I told my mum who I am close to who was horrified but supportive. I told selective friends who have been great.

When I was in North Wales this weekend I told my brothers (one of whom I hadn't seen for nearly two years and the other for almost three years) about the gambling addiction and tranquilliser dependency which some people on the forum know about and which I am addressing. They were stunned at my revelations but completely respectful about the decisions I have made and difficulties I have had to face in the last 17 months or so.

In my case (and Im not comparing myself directly to anyone else but I think some people will agree) what I had to overcome was the fear of being judged - before I stopped gambling AND initially after I stopped. I didn't want to be criticised or told what to do and of course the shame and self-disgust I felt was overwhelming because I lied, borrowed, pawned but fortunately never stole (I suppose emptying the joint account is a form of stealing?) although I had thoughts about my wife's jewellery.

I destroyed trust, respect, love but these are coming back slowly. I know fundamentally that I HAD to be honest for my own sake, recovery (my definintion), and re-building relationships.

I still feel raw a lot of the time and those feelings of self-loathing surface from time to time. I am addressing a lot of inner conflict I have always had through therapy where the subject of gambling has come up. My one day at a time approach has a personal definition. Your definition may be different - great. All we have is today. Best wishes, Phil.

I'm on a bit of a roll today as I haven't posted in a while. I hope they get put in the right order!

Regarding debt, I made a snotty comment to someone last year about being bailed out and with hindsight and without naming names I'm sorry. My personal opinion though is that I had/have to take responsibility for the debt I accumulated through gambling.

Some of my siblings are quite well off and might have helped me but I never asked - part of that was pride, shame, fear of being judged but also a fundamental feeling that I had created the problem and I had to deal with it. For me personally, being helped out financially would have provided short-term relief but nothing in the long-term .

The DMP is in place and I pay a specific amount per month - I'm six months or so from clearing the debts I accumulated if I stick to the plan. A DMP may not be for everyone but it has certainly given me some peace of mind.

Best wishes, Phil.

Hi phil

Thanks for inviting me to read your journal. I have not read every entry, but quite a few. I hope you don't mind me saying that I have noticed how despite all your struggles you have and have had you seem to be more humbled by your self discovery / self awareness.

Inner conflict and understanding underlying issues can cause so much stress. They can also create and enlighteness that is quite beautiful (eventually).

I do not know you phil, however there has been a great deal for your family to deal with. Fair play to you for working hard at recovery and keeping focused. Take care,

Thanks for your post Zulu. Hope to "see" you in the chatroom again soon. Best wishes,Phil.