Diary 2

Addicts are sensitive as I read elsewhere - I agree. But in the bigger picture in my experience in life is that people don't like being told what to do - even if they aren't addicted to something.

Back to my point - not just about addiction to gambling - could be smoking, drinking, s*x, drugs. I believe in offering advice in my own way and of course I've posted things I wish I hadn't. Offering advice is COOL but telling people what to do isn't.

I have 100 per cent respect for everyone who wants to stop whatever their poison was/is but I genuinely believe advice is better than a lecture. Best wishes, Phil

My advice is your lecture Phil...If people hadn't persisted in kicking me up the b*m, I might be dancing to a different tune now. People who want to stop take action, for many of us, me especially, I'd rather talk the talk than walk the walk!

Found your diary Phil, thanks for your comments.

I feel that your advice is more beneficial than the preachy hard line responses some people give - it looks like your approach has received criticism which I find pretty odd.

Keep it up, I am behind your methods and think you will benefit many on the forum. A more positive vibe can only be a good thing.

Cheers

Thanks for posting ItMatters. This IS my main diary and the only one I use. Best wishes, Phil.

ODAAT I'm not really sure I understand your post.

I'll just clarify what I meant above with a specific example. I had a friend who was on my case for about two years about gambling. Nothing he said had any impact on me. I stopped on a specific day when something clicked in my head.

My friend lectured (with the best intentions) me constantly but he couldn't understand what was driving such self-destructive behaviour. How could he? He wasn't and isn't a compulsive gambler. Even now despite my best efforts, he doesn't understand what happened.

I have made it clear that I have been judgemental myself which I am learning from. I have had great advice from other recovering CGs who have been firm but respectful of the individual approach with no kid gloves. I have also made it clear that whatever works for the individual is GREAT but I am not a fan of "my way or the highway".

A slight tangent about honesty. In my heart, I ask myself if I KNEW with a lot of certainty that my wife would walk if I told her everything (which I did), would I have told her? That's a question I'm not sure I know the answer to.

Best wishes, Phil.

You said advice is better than a lecture & in my own clumsy way, I was pointing out that surely this is subjective?

Respecting someone who wants to stop 100% is all well & good but what about respecting the people who are trying to pay it forwards too...Surely respect does not need to be qualified? People who say they want to stop are not necessarily the same people who are doing everything they can in trying to!

I'm still not entirely sure what your point is ODAAT so I can say with the utmost respect to you and your recovery which of course is great can we please not have a debate on my diary?
Best wishes, Phil.

Phil72 wrote:

Offering advice is COOL but telling people what to do isn't.

No debate Phil...I suspect you know exactly what I am getting @ so I will leave your diary in peace.

Well I don't to be honest but if your comments are about my path I really don't know what to say. I've had to learn a lot recently especially as my posts are moderated. Best wishes, Phil.

I just feel my diary is my personal space and of course I welcome comments if I get where the postee is coming from.

My diary is now (and generally has been) about self-reflection, responding to good advice and more importantly writing and reading my posts to myself as my journey continues.

I haven't had a bet for 500+ days - so what? I could have a bet tomorrow (I hope I don't) but I hope that I will wake up tomorrow morning with the same attitude that I had this morning.

Best wishes, Phil.

Today I woke up and made a 100 per cent commitment not to gamble. I went to see a band in a town 15 miles away this afternoon and I didn't have any urges to go into shops I am not excluded from.

More importantly, I've been a good husband, supportive friend and helped someone in need. To me that is a good day. Best wishes, Phil.

Reading posts from partners of active CGs really reinforces in my mind my daily commitment not to gamble. What partners go through is awful and yet before I stopped and found this forum.....

I know how sorry I felt for myself walking home after blowing another chunk of cash on horses I couldn't afford. Being grumpy, looking for excuses to go out (guess where?), lying, borrowing money, using pawnbrokers etc. + making myself ill with anxiety on top of a pre-existing anxiety based psychiatric condition.

But looking ahead: If you want your relationship to survive you have to make a 100 per cent commitment to do whatever it takes to stop gambling, accept EVERY bit of criticism, accept the mistrust your partner will feel towards you (but the trust can slowly be re-built) and be as honest as you possibly can on a daily basis.

Let's face it - the life of an active CG is a sad and lonely one in my experience. I never made any friends in the bookies and felt more and more miserable as time passed by. Life has many ups and downs but I'm so glad about the decision I made in February 2016.

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And my committment incorporates lots of different approaches. I'm no phoney and I treat recovery from gambling addiction as the most serious issue in my life.

I feel really lonely in my recovery (and obviously humbler after recent experiences) at the moment which is why I am seriously thinking about going to a meeting.

I don't have a single person in my "non-virtual" day-to-day life that I can talk to about my gambling addiction without someone saying something along the lines of "well it's been x amount of time so you've cracked it".

Numbers are numbers and days are days but I cannot predict what might happen tomorrow which is why I would never say "I'm not going to gamble for the rest of my life".

I don't expect my friends to be pseudo-psychologists but it is a somewhat isolated situation to be in.

I might not gamble and AM happier within myself but a lot of those underlying issues are still there such as physical feelings of anxiety on a more or less daily basis.

Best wishes, Phil.