Diary 2

Morning , trust all is ok in Philworld. Hope your friend is still in one piece, maybe he could approach the police regarding fears for his safety, those people may have a history of violence and assaults!

I have taken on board your opinions of the 12 step recovery programme. I notice both at GA meetings and amongst the GamCare diaries very few recovering addicts turn to spiritual intervention for a solution to there problems.

I think devising steps to a better life can be beneficial, however I believe it is a personal matter . We are all different, our dreams and aspirations are unique to ourselves, our goals in life differ greatly.

By seeking advice and inspiration from others the task can be made easier, but at the end of the day we need to ask ourselves a question. 'What do I want to do with my life and what am I prepared to do to make it a reality'?

It does help to be honest with ourselves and realistic about our capabilities. No shame in taking all the help we can get , be it spiritual or otherwise.....stephen

Hi Stephen. The problem with these people is that they don't care - I would imagine getting the police involved would inflame the situation but thank you for your advice.

Just to clarify as my last post was meant with humour and not mockery - I think there is some good/common sense stuff in the steps which I mention a few posts above and I'm not against meetings at all - far from it but depending on the approach of the meeting, motivation of other attendees and non-judgemental atmosphere.

However, for me sitting in a room with complete strangers can be very difficult as I have lots of issues with anxiety although I like Smart Recovery (based on Cognitive Behavourial Therapy) and the meeting is only 5 minutes walk from my house.

If the 12 Steps of any fellowship (including Nicotine Anonymous, Liars Anonymous (yep it exists) etc.) help someone I'm very happy for them. If someone wants to go to meetings to simply express themselves honestly and find mutual support I also endorse that.

What I don't endorse is someone who is fragile and vulnerable and in the early stages of recovery being browbeaten by people who should know better - on other forums, here and in meetings.

For me I felt like a phony when I went to CA because I don't believe in Higher Powers, God (nine of the 12 Steps of CA mention HP (not the sauce!) or God), "spiritual awakenings" (which I was kind of waiting to happen) etc. so trying to pray (which I did) felt ridiculous.

It also feels strange to use the word "allergy" in terms of C abuse because informally (Google it!) the meaning of "allergy" is a "strong dislike".

I wasn't the equivalent of a "dry drunk", never used again and in fact met some really nice people as well as fakes. I think the camarderie with other people can be very helpful for some including myself.

Unfortunately though I heard a lot of people who had the honesty to admit they had used again and were subsequently shunned as if they had leprosy by the "old-timers".

So to summarise I would never discourage anyone from trying meetings or any other approach to abstinence and a better gambling-free life.

Ultimately though if you're not happier in (and I'm not talking about anyone specifically) recovery perhaps this has to be questioned?

Best wishes, Phil

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psychologytoday.com/blog/the-heart-addiction/20112/is-addiction-really-disease

I'm a number counter because I think it is healthy to look at the days under your belt and get supportive feedback.

There are many people who use this forum who have gambled again (don't like the word "relapse") who still have great advice to offer. The honesty of people who have gambled again is amazing and they deserve ultimate respect and support.

ODAAT (which I didn't realise) is an inportant acronym used in GA but I believe it can mean whatever the individual wants it to mean. I'm not into cliches but a lot of people follow the ODAAT approach in their own way and I think that is a healthy, realistic attiude.

Hey Phil,

Enjoyed your story about your 'scenic' bus ride tonight. It's actually an anology for being gambling free- you start to look around at the world around us, and "smell the flowers".

Scenic's good - although 2 hours for what would normally be a 4 mile car journey for you was perhaps stretching it a bit!

All the best my friend

Mixer

Cheers Mixer. Always nice to see parts of the city I've never been too before! Just glad I didn't need the loo! Best wishes, Phil.

When I was an active gambler I drank a lot when I came home and spent many nights on the sofa because I couldn't look my wife in the eye. Life is not like that now. Life is pretty good despite lots of ups and down and adversity.

I Won't Back Down - Tom Petty

I've been getting to know a guy over the last 18 months and today we disclosed to each other our issues. Amazing conversation.

He is a highly respected psychologist with his own practice who had issues with alcohol and the drug C and also is a long-term and ongoing sufferer of OCD.

We talked a lot and common ground about recovery. I'm not going to go into in details but what we both agreed was we had issues with x,y.z but fundamentally we were "addicted" to distraction from the way we felt/feel.

He's not a fan of the 12-steps and neither am I but damned good interaction and an ongoing new friendship.

With good counsel from a particular friend I've realised why I drank excessively and totally inappropriately when I gambled. I drank when I got home - usually wine - to try and neutralise what was going on in my head.

I had many, many hangovers and obviously woke up in the morning dehydrated and feeling wretched.

When I first stopped gambling I still sometimes used alcohol inappropriately but now no.

I've drank too much from time to time but usually at a family/friend occassion or an event where I am enjoying myself and usually with my wife who is not a big drinker and also my best friend and mentor.

I've been all about the DMP and paying back my gambling debts but I either cleverly forgot or chose to forget I had ripped someone off - a person (not a bank or a loan company).

I feel awful - I need to pay the money back which is not a huge sum but something clicked in my head during last night's late chat.

She is a really kind and vulnerable person who I treated like garbage when I was active and she deserves to be repaid and apologised to.

I've spent a lot of time trying to get in touch with X today. I've not found her. I'm so disgusted with the way I manipulated her which came to my mind very recently. I'm desperate to say sorry, explain why and pay her back.

When she asked for me to pay her back, I lied about the SUM of money I'd borrowed. I accept now my disgusting behaviour. It's not about 12-steps but it IS about making amends to someone I **** on.

After 22 years of struggling with an anxiety based psychiatric condition which is getting better, coke abuse (haven't snorted for erm maybe 13 years), 14 years on tranquillisers and three(ish) years addicted to gambling I've realised as my confidence improves I want and need to be in charge of my own destiny/future.

I'm the one who has to make decisions about my ongoing one day at a time path. I'm the one who to has pay back debts. I'm the one who has to re-build relationships which is ongoing. No-one else is going to do it for me which is why I've always disagreed with being bailed out.

Obviously as other people know there are lots of issues why individuals got into gambling but for me commitment, realistic goals and honesty are KEY to stopping.

I may fail in my approach and get brickbats from the people who should know better but that is my approach.

Cheers, Phil.

I do not believe addiction to whatever poison is an illness or disease (but respect other people's different views) but clearly addiction CAN make you feel unwell, disgusted, horrified, dishonest etc.

The main thing in my life and attitude to recovery is honesty and self-honesty, responsibility for my debts and making amends etc. - do I want to live my life coming home with my mood all over the place and being awful to my wife (my best friend and mentor)?

There are lots of different approaches - you don't need to be alone.

Personally I like Smart Recovery because of the different issues and wonderful kindness and honesty. It's not like Churchill the nodding dog in the insurance advert - it's based on Cognitive Behavourial Therapy.

.Ultimately again there any many different approaches but in my life I've never met anyone who sorted themselves or their poisons out alone.

Best wishes, Phil.