Diary 2

I was thinking earlier about inhibitions - particularly alcohol and gambling. i.e. Drinking and thinking somehow you are going to win because your mindset has been changed because of the effects of alcohol.

In my case, I woke up in the morning and even before I'd made a cup of tea looked online at the day's races, made decisions (my choice) and either bet on horses on the internet or in a shop.

My excessive drinking was generally afterwards - the self-disgust, loathing, despair, shame and horror of what I had done again was something I "needed" to block out.

I don't like getting or being drunk - I have a generally low tolerance to alcohol apart from a nice bottle of wine but I did get hammered - not every day - often when I was gambling.

Life is different now. My younger brother who I absolutely love to bits and don't see more than a few times a year stayed a couple of nights and my wife and I went out with him and his new girlfriend last night.

I got to 10 o'clock and told my brother I'd had enough and wanted to go home. He was cool as he was seeing other friends he hadn't seen for a while since he moved. He had a spare key and got back to mine at 3am - fine but not for me!

Money and debt isn't an issue for some people and I agree that talking about losses is unhealthy. What I want to say is WOW! I'm down to around £600 in debt management repayments due to gambling. I can see a future, I can see a life, I can see a baby (hopefully), a holiday and being with this lovely woman sat next to me. ODAAT not gambling but nothing wrong about thinking about your future?

Hi Phil, nice one ref Dmp and total respect to you for having the GF life you want to live. Doing it your way rather than how others think you should be handling recovery. After all not gambling is not gambling. Take care S:)

Thank you Sharon and for all your supportive posts. Best wishes, Phil.

I have a sense of humour despite what some people might think and understand the light-hearted approach some forum users have.

Elsewhere, as a moderator of a mental health forum where people are waiting for therapy, taking inappropriate medication or having no rapport with a therapist/counsellor, it is not a joke.

The forum has many people in an incredibly distressed and bewildered state - just like here sometimes. Fundamentally the approach is Cognitive Behavourial Therapy (CBT) which is now (maybe not in a few years) recognised as the gold standard treatment especially for anxiety disorders such as OCD, panic attacks, social anxiety etc. and is also starting to be used in compulsive behaviours such as gambling, problem drinking and drug abuse.

Frankly I find that a 12-step fellowship for so many things quite strange - Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous, OCD Anonymous, Nicotine Anonymous etc.

I'm not against meetings based on AA per se (although I find the steps -created in the 1930s - somewhat antiquated) but I do think a one track approach is unhealthy. I don't have a problem with a "spiritual" approach either but again would suggest that for many people in the 21st century it doesn't appeal.

.I guess my point is that it's a good thing for people to find out what's right for them with advice (not judgement) and support and told about ALL approaches.

Personally, I like Smart Recovery (CBT and science-based) but endorse it as part of a bigger picture.

I haven't posted on my diary for a while but the last few days I've felt awful.

Sinusitis and a really painful ear infection.

I am not into meetings and have not had counselling but I have been DWELLING on the past. I don't believe either would help me in a non-arrogant way.

My behaviour, lying, borrowing money, pawning things etc.

I thought I'd moved on from those disgraceful thoughts and feelings but clearly not - or maybe it is because I don't feel well?

Again blowing the dust off my diary after not posting for a while.

I've had some great chats with newcomers to this forum recently and obviously the subject of money and debt comes up.

I'm not a 12-stepper but I think even those who are would agree you've got to address the accumulated debts (if you got into debt) by gambling as part of taking personal responsiblity - could be a manageable £2 a week debt management plan (DMP) through Stepchange for example if you don't earn a lot.

Get rid of the letters, phone calls, e-mails, text messages or even knocks on the door.

Creditors just want the money back OR some of the money. They aren't totally unreasonable especially if you have a DMP.

Debt of any kind can be horrendously stressful but the debt a compulsive gambler has is a matter that the individual has to address for peace of mind, "recovery", honesty and renewed self-respect etc.

Best wishes, Phil.

I've got to agree with the above Phil. So many find ourselves in trouble with debts through having this addiction.
My good credit rating allowed me to have thousands on numerous credit cards, so from previously not owning one, I ended up with many and my credit rating has now dropped considerably. I now wish they wouldn't have let me have one but they did and I went into zombie mode spinning the reels.
You get to a point when enough is enough. The debt becomes a reality and the pounds you have thrown away are not just numbers plucked from the air.
That debt does not just go away. Stepchange or any other non-profit making company is definitely a good path to take.
It helps in so many ways. Not just by helping you to make 'do able' repayments to your creditors but also in helping you to feel you're back in control. It cuts down on the anxiety caused by demanding letters and phone calls, which in turn leads to a better quality of life. Also by that point, through discussing our finances with others, we hopefully have come to our senses and with lots of effort on our part we do our best to ensure a gamble free future.
Sorry to gatecrash your diary Phil but your post struck me as being helpful to many who have unfortunately got themselves into debt through this heartless addiction. Thanks for raising it x

Not gatecrashing at all - I appreciate your feedback Little Miss Lost.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel regarding the debt I accumulated. Some people may owe more than I did, some less - regardless it has to be paid back in my view unless (for whatever reason) it is impossible to do so.

I remember every time there was post I'd look at the pile and groan because several (if not all) the letters would be from debt collection agencies, the bank because of the unauthorised overdraft or payday loan companies.

It was very, very stressful especially as my wife didn't know the joint bank account was empty and overdrawn (unauthorised) but obviously I've told her everything since I stopped.

That doesn't happen anymore. In fact, I get hardly any post!

Best wishes, Phil.

I haven't posted on my diary for sometime as I have nothing exciting to report.

I had a funny moment yesterday - I was watching the Wales game in a pub and twice walked past a fruit machine that somebody had left £1 credit in. I briefly felt (even though I have no idea how to play the things) like pressing play but quickly put it out of my mind.

Anyway as it goes the next person who played the machine won £67. Do I care? Not for me but pleased for him. I'd hate to go back to day 1 over something so daft.

Wow! Longest time without a diary post - just blowing off the dust :-).

Not a big fan of Christmas due to family issues and negative experiences but more positively what I've really realised this year how much LOVE I have in my life - how much concern and interest, re-building relationships and respect. Things that had gone out of the window when I was an active gambler.

Life is infinitely better without gambling with reflection, making amends, paying debts, no complaceny and of course the one day at a time approach.

Best wishes, Phil.

Great to hear from you Phil and that things are turning around, thanks for your positive and thoughtful input. Wishing you a super GF 2018 S:)

Thank you Sharon and the same to you! Best wishes, Phil.

Hi Phil

Hope you are well and the appointment earlier in the week went well. I will try and catch up with you on chat over the next few days to see how things went if you feel like sharing.

46 and Out

Just light-heartedly - I looked at my Stepchange statement just now and I still have one creditor (amongst others who I more) I owe 88p!

Seriously - getting there though - had to miss one payment and make a reduced payment for personal reasons but what a weight off my back to sort of see the finishing line gambling debt-wise.