Diary no.2

TEEJAY

welcome back,I remember you from the last time you where here,the doors of the recovery room revolve,it is what we learn whilst we are here that is important.

Recovery is a journey,one that won't be plain sailing,there is no cure,medicine or magic potion we can take,it won't go away and as you found it,if you accept it back into your life it will consume your life.

My advice take all the help out there,there is a lot of it,gamcare counselling,Ga,see your gp,cbt therapy and use your diary.

They all offer you an education,a re-education of the brain.

The bottom line is you have to want to live in recovery more than you want to gamble.

A fella in my GA room often says this to parent's who gamble

How much financially do you value your children??

Because whatever the price is that is how much you need to stake on your next bet,because that next punt may be the one which breaks the relationship with your children beyond repair.

So whatever the price of your next stake is,that is how much you value your child.

Those words are very harsh,but very true,the man has lost the relationship with his own two children through gambling,his wish?

To stop others doing the same.

Those words had a profound effect on my life,I hope they have the same upon yours.

It comes as a shock to our partners when we gamble,they struggle to understand,I hope your partner seeks help for himself to recovery from the damage waged by gambling,because he like my wife is the innocent victim of gambling,as are your children like mine.

You have a choice to make,whatever the outcome I hope gambling wages no more damage.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning teejay

Well done for telling your partner I know how hard that is to keep having to tell them we have failed again it is soul destroying but you have done it that's out the way

I am in similar circumstances to you so I do feel for you and understand you are not alone

After my last bet my OH said no more and told me to leave and he meant it

If we keep getting bailed out I think it encourages us in some way to keep gambling

Forget your losses yesterday has gone today is what counts don't worry too much about tomorrow take one day at a time with everything

Hopefully your partner will come round if he sees you are 100% committed to stopping and not expecting him to bail you out

Total Honesty all the way now with your partner and yourself

Your partner will be going through hell too at the moment and he is totally innocent

We cannot win because we cannot stop so we only have one way to go and that is abstaining from gambling taking one day at a time

Keeping a diary has really helped me so that is positive you are starting a diary

I am in 93 days today I am sorting out my debts myself no help from partner but we are together and our relationship in a way has become stronger because we have total honesty about my addiction he calls this forum my bible

I wish you all the very best on this journey and I sincerely hope your partner forgives but you must face up to your debts and take control of them yourself otherwise you may end up in a worse mess than you are in now

Don't be too hard on yourself you can sort this out

Best wishes

Suzanne x

Thanks for the replies. It really means a lot knowing I'm not alone and all advice and words of wisdom are most welcome and am completely taking them on board.

So, yesterday after crying my eyes out for most of the day, I finally managed to pull myself together enough to get dressed and go visit my mum. My mum knows nothing about my addiction and I really hope she never does (she is elderly and has been through a health scare recently so wouldn't want to add any worry to her) and as anyone with a good mum knows there is nothing like going to your mum's when you are feeling low. Without even knowing what's going on my mum can make me feel better about myself. I first thought I had to go to my mums to ask her if I could move in there with her, but after a few texts back and forth with my OH he told me there was "no rush to move out but it would have to happen eventually". Ok, so there was now two weights off my mind, I didn't have the secret of my gambling and debt, and now I didn't have to immediately think of moving and all that involved.

This is when I thought to myself stop being so self-pitying. I have got myself into this mess and I need to now climb my way out of it somehow. My first thought today was I'm going to go and self exclude myself from all the online gambling sites I use, even if I have to call them on the phone (which was my excuse to myself for not doing it previously) and I'm going to get some debt advice to see what I can do about it. So that's my goals for today (baby steps).

Lol - have just read back my message and it is sounding like I have it all sorted (I wish!!). Probably this time tomorrow I will be back to a crying wreck again but today I feel ok. One day at a time eh.

Morning TEEJAY

Well done to you for facing up to it all

Yes baby steps and one day at a time you will get through this and each day will make you feel stronger and more determined to keep away from gambling

I rang my debtors one day at a time this helped me deal with the situation better

I played online on my laptop my OH took that away immediately after I told him of my last lapse it has been for the last 3 months in his locker at work

I only played with cards not cash so after paying my bills and debts which come out on payday I take the remainder out and live on cash I leave 8 in my bank because I need a tenner to deposit so 8 is safe

I use every tool I can think of to keep abstaining

I use the triangle time money and location because if I take one away it's impossible for me to play

Your post is very positive today and that's a good start on your journey

Remember take one day at a time and keep posting and reading it certainly helps me

Take care

Suzanne xx

Thanks so much Suzanne for your words of support and advice. It really does mean a lot and is good to know I am not alone.

I took your advice and took some time to read others posts today and I can see the journey ahead for me is not going to be easy but one I am determined to get through.

Today I have self excluded from the sites I used, although I did do it the cowards way by emailing/live chat rather than doing it over the phone, but at least it's done. I now have no way of gambling even if I wanted to, which at the moment is the furthest thing from my mind, but as history has shown me this will be good in the coming months when/if all my personal and financial issues start to settle a bit.

Have also used the online form for the debt advice line laying out all my income and outgoings and exactly why I was in this position. Im still waiting to hear back from them but I don't hold out much hope for what they can do for me though as I have accumulated more debts than I can afford.

OH is not really saying much to me, not that we're not talking, but we're not talking about what I have done. I don't know if it's because he is done with it all or what and I don't really know what to say to him about it. He did say when he found out about it all again that there was no point in talking because I'm a liar and he couldn't trust anything I said anyway. He's right of course, I have been lying to him all this time and I just don't know what to do to get him to trust me again. Any advice on this would be appreciated as I do still have hope this is not the end for us.

You have nothing to be ashamed of welcome back here just remember you are dealing with a powerful addiction/disease. It can come back at any time fight it daily and get back to enjoying your life. However never forget where you are today.

Thanks Michael - it's hard not to feel ashamed but I am still in the early days so hopefully over the coming days, weeks, months I will start to feel stronger.

Yesterday I started to read other people's diaries and even though this is not my first time coming to this forum for support it still surprises me how so much of what is written rings true to me. It's like I could have written it myself - the thinking if I just put another 50 in,maybe this time will be the big one and the feeling of self loathing having just blown much more than the original 50 because once that's gone you end up putting more and more in, and in my case anyway putting it in till your credit card refuses anymore deposits. How you distance yourself from family and friends and how gambling can take over your every thought. Roulette was the game I played and if I wasn't playing it, I would be working out different "systems" in my head, trying to make my money go further supposedly.

It's not nice reading others pain but I do take courage from the people on here that have come out the other side or are at least getting there. Ppl like Suzanne and duncanmac (there are more) who take time out to give ppl messages of support and advice, I hope this time I can get to where you are and be able to support others through their pain.

I think the difference for me this time is I am more aware how this addiction can creep back up on you. After the last time of getting into loads of debt, I just thought I would never be so stupid again, but stupid doesn't come into it does it? There is just something that takes hold, it's like something actually switches off in your brain and you are no longer able to think logically.

I will NEVER become complacent again and I will use this forum to help me through.

Hi TEE JAY

Well done again for facing up to what gambling does to us

You have let your OH down he probably feels as bad as you and he is the innocent party

They go through the pain as well It took about two weeks after he found out to really talk about it and then he totally flipped I think he was letting it all out the shift and pain I had got us into

The next day he was different again and we were totally honest with each other and have been since I do talk about it and he listens he calls gamcare my bible and knows I have a diary and Write on others he knows this helps me

He doesn't trust me not to gamble again and I don't think he ever will in that respect which is fine because I know I will never beat this addiction but I can control it and the more I abstain the easier it will get to stay in control

Give your OH time prove to him you are 100% giving it your very best to abstain

We have hurt them very much we have betrayed their trust but by being strong and determined we will gain their trust back but most of all be honest with him

One day at a time We can build on that

Suzanne xx

Hi Tee Jay

Reading your diary, albeit early days makes me not feel alone. Hope you can settle things with OH, he may just need time.

Its amazing how when we gamble the thoughts are just on the next spin not the bigger impact. How we must all wish we had been able to see into the future.

Good Luck and Best wishes

Brutus x

Thanks so much Brutus and Suzanne, at a time when I am feeling very alone in the world it's nice to know there are ppl like yourselves out there willing me on through this.

So yesterday, after waking up feeling positive and determined, my mood became lower and lower. I just kept going over and over in my head, why have I done this to myself and my family, what had I been thinking!!!

It has only been a few days since my oh found out about my gambling again and he still hasn't said a thing, maybe you're right, Suzanne, and he will explode and let it all out soon. We have been doing some major upgrades to our house at the moment (another reason to feel awful about what I have done) and he was just talking to me about that and some things "we" still need to get. It's very unsettling for me, I feel like my whole life has come to a standstill, I don't know what to think, but I understand I have to let him deal with this in his own way and just wait for the explosion if it ever comes. He still hasn't even asked me how much debt I am in this time, and last night I am ashamed to say I was thinking in my head, that when/if he ever does ask me I could down play it and say it was less than what it is. Then that just got me more down because I thought here I am still thinking of lying to him again!! what kind of person have I become!?!

Anyway, that was yesterday and today is another day so hopefully can stay more positive today.

This is probably the most extreme solution but probably the most sensible:

Contact your bank and explain the issue and ask them to block your cards from being used for online gambling.

*I believe this is possible*

You might have to book an appointment and explain how difficult you are finding it. But I am sure that they can block things from your account.

This is only a solution if you don't have problems with cash gambling and of course if you won't be urged into getting a new credit card or whatever. But it sounds like you are someone who just gets the urge and whacks a bit of money online which then turns into hundreds...that's what I am. I would never go to the extent of getting a new credit card or going into a bookies.

Good luck

Evening TEEJAY

Firstly you are doing really well but remember to make sure you have every barrier there at this time so you don't slip because negativity is definitely our enemy

Secondly take one day at a time with everything ie OH gambling debt work everything You will be able to deal with it all this way calmer

Thirdly I think your OH maybe still in shock like mine was but you are still there he is still there so that is one of your positives don't push him into talking don't provoke him

he may explode like mine did he may not

You have to walk on eggshells for now but that's ok

Fourthly you will feel life is at a standstill you are not on your own feeling like this that's ok too

My OH did not want to know or see all the debt he just told me to sort it out he is paying half out of his money and I am paying half out of mine and this is just my gambling debts caused by PD loans Ihad to arrange all plans and did it one day at a time it was so humiliating and embarrassing but it took the pressure off him and rightly so I broke his heart and trust

Don't feel s**t about not telling all if he doesn't want to know all just be honest about talking about NOW don't lie about now

Just as important be kind to yourself once you have come clean you must think positive about that and then things slowly come unto place

You are doing well this is the hardest bit with your OH things will be easier once he opens up or explodes he is really hurting now in a different way to you are

Keep posting And reading when feeling negative it really does help

Will be supporting and following your progress

Remember you are not on your own and try to think of positives I know it's hard but it will get easier as long as you don't give in to gambling

Take care

Suzanne xx

Hi nick

Thanks for the advice, I have heard of the banks being able to stop certain payments being debited from your account. Tbh though I'm defo not in a place emotionally where I would be able to speak to someone at bank either on the phone or face to face. Self excluding is working for me at the mo but if I feel I need to take further measures it will be something I will keep in mind for the future.

Hi Suzanne

You are right, I have to let my oh deal with it his way, after all I have known about this from the moment I started doing it again, whereas he has had not even a week yet. I also think he is keeping his mind preoccupied with the renovations in the house so maybe once that is over he will want to talk/shout or whatever. I think I have to practice what I am saying on here all the time - take one day at a time and stop worrying about what next!

Been really busy today with the house so, as I think it is keeping my oh preoccupied, think it is doing the same for me too.

Wishing everyone a happy gamble free rest of the day and will post more tomorrow.

Hi Tee Jay,

Well done firstly for no gambling. It is difficult for both of you at the moment, so take each day as it comes. As you are feeling so down on yourself it is easy to slip into the position of believing you are not worthy. This is not like committing murder, aggravated assault or anything like that so please don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing well and never forget you are worthy, keep positive and best wishes

Brutus xxx