Diary no.2

Thanks Brutus - you are right, I just need to take each day as it comes and stop worrying about tomorrow.

This is my second week of my holiday from work this week and as last week was wasted because of everything coming out about my gambling and feeling so low about it all, I have decided to not let my second week be spoiled also.

I think back to last week and how I was feeling and I can honestly say I do feel myself getting better and stronger as each day goes by. I'm not back to completely being myself yet (I know that will take more time), but at least I'm not crying my eyes out like I was last week.

I have felt very up and down over the past week since coming clean to my oh, but the one thing that has not faltered is my determination not to go back to gambling. It is a waste of my time, my money, my life and i am taking great encouragement from this forum and reading others struggles and how they deal with it and come through it.

I will not become complacent in my recovery like last time (I'm writing this for future reference for myself) I will always be aware of how easy it is to slip back into it.

Moving forwards into day 6 (yes I feel ready now to count my days), things are not fixed but they are definitely starting to feel better.

Hi TEEJAY

Keep it up as you are doing really well

Love

Brutus xx

Actually managed to stay quite positive yesterday. Kept thinking things can only get better as long as I don't gamble.

Onto day 7 - another beautiful day outside so am going to make the most of it again.

Keep up the good work, stay positive and enjoy the beautiful weather.

Well done on day 7

Brutus x

Hi Tee Jay

Very well done on one whole week slowly but surely treading gently is far better than rushing through

Keep thinking positive and why not you are one week away now from this self destructive addiction

Keep doing the days one day at a time and remember you do win every day you don't play

Take care

Suzanne xx

Day 8

It's been over a week now since my oh found out about my gambling again and still he has not said a word about it. Things are not the same between us but from the outside looking in you wouldn't think anything was wrong. If I didn't know any better I would think he has forgot. I really wish I had the guts to say something, to bring up the subject somehow, but I can't find the words. Anyway, I know that is selfish of me, just because I need to talk about it doesn't mean he needs/wants to does it.

Still trying to stay positive though, I'm glad I'm off on holiday at the mo, I've been spending loads of time with my two kids which always makes me happy. When I think about it, if I had still been gambling most of my holiday would have been wasted sitting looking at a stupid wheel with numbers going round and round, losing more and more money, getting into more debt.

Pouring with rain today 🙁 so hope my mood doesn't change with the weather lol.

Teejay

firstly well done on your continued abstinence the fog from your gambling activity lifting and gifting you a clearer view of what you can actually get from making a choice to continue arresting the punt.

Regards your oh, why don't you share your diary with him,I do with my wife,she reads,even posted a few times,the result??

She gets to recover too and to learn about the life of a compulsive gambler,she also takes great pride in seeing other folk recover and I see the forum gifts her a belief in the fact that there is another way,a life to be had after the addiction is arrested.

I wrote to my wife and lots of folk in the early stages of recovery because I found it to be good therapy and meant I got to be honest without instant confrontation.

Through doing these things I gained support,for me a vital tool in recovery

You are not alone,addiction loves that,to isolate us,make us keep the dirty little secret to ourselves,fills us with shame.

You are doing something amazing.

Be proud of that

Enjoy those kids for all they are worth

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Tee Jay,

Wonderful achievement 8 days free from the demon.

Hope you are having better weather and can be out with your children.

Very difficult to say anything about OH and not talking about it, as only you knows what makes him tick. I know my OH would just bury it.

The fact you are still there, I think is positive

So well done, best wishes and keep strong

Cheryl (Brutus) xx

Thanks duncs and Cheryl it really does mean a lot to me to know I am not alone in this. I will think about letting my oh read my diary, it is probably the only way I will be able to get my true feelings across to him at the moment.

Day 9

I was doing a lot of thinking yesterday and I have come to the conclusion I am probably feeling ok about all of this because I still haven't truly faced up to it yet due to my oh not saying anything much about it. Still feeling a bit in limbo and don't feel I yet have the strength to bring it up to him am just waiting on him saying something. He has a few days off his work now so maybe it will happen soon if we are spending more time together.

So onto day 9 and whatever it may bring.

Hi Tee Jay

Don't be hard on yourself and it is a great achievement. Every day not gambling is a great day, so you are doing so so well be kind to yourself. I read another diary that said gambling online, is a lonely place and maybe now you have time you notice how much normal life you have missed. I know I have kinda forgotten how to converse with my OH.

Keep strong and best wishes

Cheryl xx

Thanks Cheryl - your support in all this is really going a long way.

The major things in the house are now done and it is slowly starting to feel like home again. So last night was my first in a while that I was able to sit in my living room with a 'small' glass of red wine (love it!!) this was dangerous territory for me though as usually I would have sat gambling the night away as well. Although I have self excluded from the sites I used I also made a conscious choice to stay completely off the iPad just in case. I'm pleased to say I managed it and can still enjoy a little drink without having the urge to gamble. (I don't want to have to give up everything now do I :))

I'm off to the football today with the oh and kids so am looking forward to that. Would normally put a little bet on for it and even though this is not exactly where I had a problem have decided it is probably best if I keep away from all kind of gambling. Those bookies have had enough money from me to last me a lifetime and they aren't getting another penny.

Still nothing been said between me and oh and as each day passes he is becoming more and more normal again. He has even invited friends of ours over for drinks later on, so it seems he just wants to get on with life as normal and I have decided to stop worrying about it and just get on with it too. I'm looking on the bright side. At least there is no secrets between us now. He knows I have debt again (still doesn't know how much but doesn't seem to want to know) and I can now deal with it in the proper way (no trying to win it back) and not have to hide it all from him.

Hope everyone has a good and gamble free weekend.

Staying strong

Tee jay x

Hi TEEJAY

Now is the time to be and stay strong you are doing brill don't blow it not even for one penny the consequences would be simply miserable

Stay positive and be proud of your achievement in abstaining cos our 0Hs don't really know what we are going through to abstain from this destructive addiction and well done for realising there is no quick fix after years of being blinded by the illusion of gambling

My next tenner would be the end for OH and me and kids and grand kids you have your choice not to gamble so don't go there I am definitely not I have made my choice

Stay strong and positive

Suzanne x

Thanks Suzanne for your support.

Weekend was good, we had friends over for drinks on Saturday and it was nice to know that we can still enjoy life even after what I have done.

Still staying positive and taking one day at a time.

Hi Teejay

You are doing so well - just wanted to add my support for you. We joined about the same time (I am not counting days) and I am finding other people's diary really helpful as I don't feel so alone with this as I did - I have no OH and will never tell my family or friends about my problem. I hope they never find out - if anything happened to me, my kids would have to deal with the awful reality and debts and it's the thought of that which makes me determined to put it firmly in the past. Good luck to you xx

Morning Tee Jay

Glad to hear you had a good weekend and are a winner with the demon. Keep strong as you are doing so well and never stop believing you are a very strong woman. You can do this

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx